Slacktory

Posts Tagged “terms of service”

  1. Scumbag Google logo

    This Shit Matters #1: Google’s New Terms of Service, Straight Talk Edition

    On March 1, Google rolls out a new terms of service across all its services. They told you it was important, but you didn’t read it. I translated it line-for-line into PG-13 straight talk so you’ll actually pay attention. I also translated the new privacy policy.

    This shit matters starting March 1, 2012, and will replace the old shit. Please see our overview page for extra shit.

     

    ‘Sup!

    Thanks for using our Services. We love it when you use our Services! In case you’re wondering, the magic happens at 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, CA 94043, United States.

    Oh, hey, by the way, since you’re using out Services, you’ve already agreed to some rules. Which rules? These rules! So read them. We want you to know the rules, obviously, because if you break them, you’re fucked whether or not you’ve read them.

    Our shit does practically everything. Seriously man, it’s really fucking incredible how much you can do with Google, and sometimes we have extra rules for our most powerful stuff. You can find those rules in those places. Follow the rules, or else don’t play with our toys — that seems straightforward, no?

    First rule: Don’t dick around with our shit. »

  2. Destroyed violin

    The Worst Clauses You Hadn’t Seen in PayPal’s ToS

    PayPal recently ordered a customer to destroy the antique French violin he’d bought for $2500 in order to get his money back, instead of just having him send the merchandise back, reports Regretsy. Now the seller has lost the $2500 and the violin.

    It turns out this policy is mentioned in PayPal’s terms of service:

    I combed through and discovered a lot more secret clauses in the PayPal ToS. »

  3. Steve Jobs don't fuck with that

    The iTunes Click-Through Agreement Translated Into Bro Speak

    Since you guys loved the bro-speak version of the Facebook Terms of Service — apparently it was easier to read than the original — we did the same to Apple’s iTunes click-through agreement. There is, no joke, a part about running a nuclear power plant on iTunes.

    ENGLISH

    APPLE INC.

    SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT FOR iTUNES

    HEY. HEY YOU. WE KNOW YOU WANT TO JUST CLICK THROUGH AND GET ITUNES INSTALLED SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC AND SHIT, AND REALLY, WHO CAN BLAME YOU? IT’S REALLY EXCELLENT, AND WE WOULDN’T WANT TO WAIT EITHER. YOU’VE MADE A FANTASTIC CHOICE IN SOFTWARE, BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD READ THIS. WHY? BECAUSE YOU’RE AGREEING TO BE BOUND BY THESE RULES. DON’T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT RULES YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO FOLLOW? I WOULD SURE WANT TO KNOW THE RULES. BECAUSE THESE RULES ARE KIND OF FUCKING RIDICULOUS. IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE RULES, JUST DON’T USE THE THING. WE’LL JUST GIVE YOU A REFUND IF YOU TAKE IT BACK TO WHEREVER YOU BOUGHT IT, OR ELSE JUST DECLINE IF YOU DOWNLOADED IT.  BUT YOU’D HAVE TO READ THE RULES FIRST. SO. GET ON THAT.

    It’s not all in caps, bro. Just the important parts we have to shout. »

  4. Three-Mark-Zuckerbergs-again

    The Entire Facebook Terms of Service in Bro Speak

    The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). We also translated the iTunes clickthrough agreement.  Everything from here on out is from Facebook. Kinda.

    We use English, bitches. Yeah, we translated it for some of you, but if the translation says anything different at all, English rules. So if you’re not reading this in English, technically none of it matters. Just FYI. Also, you foreigners should check out section 16, fucking stat.

    We last fucked with this: April 26, 2011.

    Statement of Rights and Responsibilities

    All these rules are based on some other rules we have that aren’t really rules so much as guidelines. These rules, though, are the real rules, and they say what you can and can’t do on Facebook, and what we can and can’t do with your shit.  We treat your use of Facebook exactly like college athletes treat silence – consent, motherfuckers.

    All right, let’s get cracking. »

  5. Mark Zuckerberg new rule no notes

    The Facebook Terms of Service in Bro Speak: Part 4 of 4

    The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). You can also read the whole thing on one page. Everything below is from Facebook. Kinda.

    13. Amendments

    1. We can change any of these rules as long as we let you know, and give you a chance to comment on the change. We’ll give you a heads up over on this page, as long as you become a fan. And really, who isn’t a fan of Facebook Site Governance?
    2. Okay, look. Some of these sections really are important. Sections 7, 8, 9, and 11 involve money, for example, so we’ll give you a minimum of three days’ notice. For all other changes we will give you a minimum of seven days’ notice. Why would we give you more notice for the shit that doesn’t involve money changing hands? C’mon. Think about it. You know why.
    3. Facebook is all about you! So if 7,000 of you people complain about a proposed change, then we’ll let you vote on what we should do instead, even though we come up with the alternatives we propose to you, and they might all suck even more. Does that vote even matter? Absolutely! As long as you get 30% of active users to vote. So, just, uh, round up 210 billion of your closest friends and get them involved!
    4. Obviously, if we’re making changes for legal reasons, or because it makes it easier for us to administrate, we don’t have to tell you shit. We’re not going to put it to a fucking vote every time our lawyers are like, “Hey guys, I think this comma should go over there.” We know you, Internet; you’re fucking terrible about commas.

    Next up: Shutting your shit down. »

  6. Scumbag-Mark-Zuckerberg

    The Facebook Terms of Service in Bro Speak: Part 3 of 4

    The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). You can read it all on one page. Everything below is from Facebook. Kinda.

    9. Special Provisions Applicable to Developers/Operators of Applications and Websites

    If you run a website or a Facebook Application, then holy shit do we have some motherfucking rules for you! We’ve got more rules here than you could shake a stick at. You’d think, because we published two other documents listing a bunch of new rules, that’d be it. But you’d be mistaken. We also have more rules here. We just… you guys, we fucking love rules.

    Read some rules, bros! »

  7. You-know-what's-cool,-a-billion-words

    The Facebook Terms of Service in Bro Speak: Part 2 of 4

    The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). You can read it all on one page. Everything below is from Facebook. Kinda.

    4. Registration and Account Security

    People on here use their real names and information, which is the whole fucking point of Facebook, and we’d like to keep it that way. So when you sign up, here’s what you can and can’t do so we know that you’re who you say you are.

    Don’t be a dick, read the rules. »

  8. Three-Mark-Zuckerbergs

    The Facebook Terms of Service in Bro Speak: Part 1 of 4

    The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). You can read it all on one page. Everything from here on out is from Facebook. Kinda.

    We use English, bitches. Yeah, we translated it for some of you, but if the translation says anything different at all, English rules. So if you’re not reading this in English, technically none of it matters. Just FYI. Also, you foreigners should check out section 16, fucking stat.

    We last fucked with this: April 26, 2011.

    Statement of Rights and Responsibilities

    All these rules are based on some other rules we have that aren’t really rules so much as guidelines. These rules, though, are the real rules, and they say what you can and can’t do on Facebook, and what we can and can’t do with your shit.  We treat your use of Facebook exactly like college athletes treat silence – consent, motherfuckers.

    1. Privacy

    We give lots of fucks about your privacy, so we wrote this. Read it, so you know what the fuck we’re going to do with the shit you post, so you’re not all “Facebook, I had no idea!” when your shit is in our press releases. That way you know the deal when you’re deciding what to post.

    Next: Sharing your shit. »

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