Slacktory

Posts Tagged “politics”

  1. Glock 9mm and accessories

    How we should sell guns now

    The massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary has pundits on both sides talking about gun laws. Kang screams about limiting availability of guns because they lead to horrible, awful tragedies like this one; Kodos rages about how owning more guns is the only way to stop tragic, awful horrors like this one. And no law gets passed in either direction.

    So I—like the feeble arts-college kid I am—thought, instead of having to draft something that gets picked apart by legal experts, why not write a script for potential gun buyers and sellers to follow? You know, just like in telemarketing.

    Shop Owner: Hey, good afternoon!
    Consumer: Hi there. I’d like to buy a gun please.
    Shop Owner: What were you interested in? Handgun? Rifle? Shotgun?
    Consumer: Hmm…..
    Shop Owner: Maybe something a bit more, er, exotic?
    Consumer: No no, I think a simple handgun will do.
    Shop Owner: Do you have an idea of what you’d be using it for?
    Consumer: Oh, “home defense”, of course.
    Shop Owner: *while loading 9mm Glock* Well this is the one they give to most police officers. It’s small but has enough stopping power to get the point across, if you know what I mean.
    Consumer: Haha, yeah I think I catch your drift.
    Shop Owner: So you’re decided?
    Consumer: Yup! Looks good!
    Shop Owner: *fires gun into consumers leg*
    Read the rest of the exchange. »

  2. On Inauguration Day, all presidents will be required to publicly apologize to the French people for being cisgendered (if they are cisgendered). They will have to apologize in French.

    Slacktory contributor Mallory Ortberg on Gawker, in “What Obama’s Second Term Will Really Look Like”

  3. Rick Santorum’s website uses a picture of 4chan creator Moot

    That’s him sandwiched by Santorum (heh):

    Which is really just a great set-up for this exchange on Reddit’s /r/4chan:

    Im_why_Waldos_hiding:

    Rick Santorum has b/tard’s lurking in the ranks. No wonder he didn’t get far.

    AnotherClosetAtheist:

    He probably saw all the “nigger” and “faggot” talk and hired them on the spot.

  4. kids vote in mock election

    Slacktory’s political endorsements

    Happy election day! There don’t seem to be many people trying to advise you how to vote today. So we’ll fix that with our national voting guide! Here are our endorsements:

    The Actual Lord Satan Himself for Some Circuit Judge Position, He’s Unopposed So You May as Well Vote for a Winner

    Captain Queefheart for City Drag-person of Indeterminate Gender Identification

    Elizabeth Warren for Friend Who Thinks You Should Watch Homeland and You Know She Was Right About The Wire and Louie So Just Sit Down With Some Hulu This Weekend

    Sammison Jamjar for Dog-catcher Catcher

    Shia LaBeouf for Verizon “Can You Hear Me Now” Guy

    Bob Bob for Company Man (American American Party ticket)

    Alison Gallison for Frequently Misspelled Name

    Ron Paul for Hahaha No, But What If Really, Wouldn’t That Be Random

    Photo from Village Soup

  5. Texts from Mitt Romney - Game of Thrones

    Texts From Mitt Romney 2: Election day edition

    Everyone loved my texts from Mitt Romney in September, but no one told me how to make him stop. Even when I had no cell signal after the hurricane, Mitt somehow kept reaching me. Here they are. I really hope he doesn’t get elected, or he’ll keep talking to me.

    See 7 more text conversations with Mitt Romney. »

  6. Candy Crowley

    Obama and Romney sing “I Want Candy”

    This is either a commentary on the entitled nature of the President and his challenger, or a silly pun on the name of debate moderator Candy Crowley.

    Watch our stupid little song. »

  7. On foreign policy, I was impressed that both candidates knew about the attack on our embassy. This is an important issue for me, as I consider myself a bit of an expert on Liberia.

    “An Undecided Voter Watches the Vice-Presidential Debate” by Get Your War On‘s David Rees

  8. William Tepley - Take the R train

    “Take the R Train”: This hateful song is my fall jam

    Watch this homophobic one-man music video that says Barack Obama is gay and promotes Mitt Romney with an extended train metaphor! It’s available in high-res 1080p because quality.

    This is the 273rd video by William Tapley, “also known as the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse, and the Co-Prophet of the End Times.” I sincerely hope this man has children and grandchildren that are, like, normal people, and that they’re fully aware of Dad’s hobby. And that Dad believes his arthritis is a punishment from God.

    Watch Tapley sing about Barack Obama over some pretty decent karaoke B-roll. »

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