“Before He Cheats”
(A statement from Oklahoma 9th Judicial Circuit Court, the Hon. Lindsay R. Stapleton presiding)
Right now, you’re probably wishing that you could shoot a little whiskey. Right now, you’re probably thinking your ditty was much too risky. Right now, you’re probably hoping that the Court rules for you or that he won’t show.
Oh, yes. I know.
But Miss Underwood, the fact remains that when you “dug your key” into the side of “his pretty little souped-up 4-wheel drive,” you engaged in an act of vandalism as the pickup truck is obviously valued at more than the $400 required for this felony charge. Guilt is clear in this case. We turn now to a punishment that fits the crime.
I would be remiss if I overlooked the clear hatred you have for protected classes, such as drinkers of fruit-based cocktails… »