From the creator of “What if Adam Scott’s character on Parks & Recreation were a murderous villain?” comes “What if Adam Scott’s character on Party Down were a murderous villain?”
Posts Tagged murder
Previously on The Gumshoe Diaries: Our hero pined after his lost love Kate and wallowed in sorrow. Then he caught the news.
I read the article in disbelief. Why would anyone want to murder a billionaire?
Last night, the CEO of a respectable pornography firm was found dead in his Fifth Avenue apartment. Why?
Sure, the man had flaws. For starters, he was French, which means he probably never shaved his damn legs. And a lot of his movies alienated the asexual community. But the sheer violence of this crime was enough to outrage anyone.
The Gumshoe Diaries are a series of detective stories.
Today I woke up angry again.
I’d been dreaming about my ex, reliving that moment when I’d summoned enough balls to ask her out on a first date. When she finally agreed, I surprised her by taking her to one of the nicest McDonald’s in New York.
I was on my best behavior that night, but God knows I wasn’t a prince. I’d hardly said a word throughout the meal because I was too busy leering at my hamburgers like some horny teenager. But Kate was an old-fashioned girl, accustomed to men who objectified pieces of meat.
A detective story.
It was 3 o’clock on a Sunday afternoon. I knocked on the door for what seemed like five seconds. I remember thinking, “What gives?”
Finally, a little girl opened the door. From the look on her face, I could tell she’d been crying.
“Mommy says no more reporters.”
“Save the guff,” I replied. “I’m here to find out who murdered your father.”
I muscled my way into the kitchen and was greeted by the victim’s bawling widow. From the look on her face, I could tell she was still in the process of crying. I’m not made of rubber, so I placed my warmest hand on her shoulder and said, “There’s no need to cry, Mrs. Patterson. I’ll find out who butchered your husband.”
Before viewing the crime scene, I sat down and asked a few questions:
“You call this coffee?”
In the 24 hours surrounding Tuesday September 18th, 73 tweets were logged under the discussion hashtag #TooFatToDie, with that number on the rise. Another hash, #BabySnatcher had logged 359 tweets, while the less popular infant related hashtag #BabyInDryer had only generated 58 tweets worth of online discussion. Sadly, out of all of these ridiculous hashtags, it appears people were least interested in in a dead pregnant woman, as #PregMomRunOver only carried 19 tweets.* While these microtrends aren’t large enough to merit a ton of notice, the fact that all of these hashtags are highly inorganic in their construction and sensational in subject matter makes it amazing that people are using them at all.
Reddit’s “What Secret Could Ruin Your Life if It Came Out?” Thread Is a Harrowing Descent Into the Darkest Reaches of the Human Soul
A recent AskReddit thread titled Throwaway time! What’s your secret that could literally ruin your life if it came out? got people creating temporary accounts, then confessing their deepest, darkest secrets. The results ranged from creepy-but-cute, to fascinating, to horrifying.
I hope to walk you through that gigantic thread, because there were so many weird confessions, and browsing the comments on Reddit is time-consuming. Consider this a highlight reel of car crashes, I guess. I’m your Virgil, guiding you through Hell and Purgatory. I’m not condoning any of this, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t fascinating.
Another thing about this thread: It’s uncommon to see this level of honesty anywhere. People created (relatively) anonymous accounts and dumped their secrets onto the internet for everyone to see, with many posters saying they’d never shared their secrets with anyone before. This thread was exhausting to read, and with recent research suggesting that we, as people, carry secrets not just as emotional burdens, but as physical ones as well, at least now I understand why.
Peachy Carnahan wishes: Evil Genie, I wish for more Oxford commas!
Evil Genie replies: Granted, granted, and totally granted.
Of course, you can’t just have Oxford commas because they cannot just exist in a vacuum. In order to have an Oxford comma, you need to have a series of nouns or you just have lousy old regular commas and that is not what you wished for. So, consider when these gifts arrive to your home, consider them to be some sort of grammatical packing peanuts for your real wish.
In the first package there is a dictionary, a thesaurus, and a copy of Vampire Weekend’s eponymous album. Get it? You get it.
Next, we have a live rat, some fake vomit, and a soiled diaper. It spills all over your lap, table, and dinner.
Meredith Haggerty bought a lamp off Etsy and discovered an evil genie. She wished to have a column in a prestigious blog, and the genie gave her this.
The Evil Genie answers three questions a week, so leave a wish in the comments and check Wednesday to see if it’s answered!
Nick wishes: Genie, could my girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend be placed in some kind of witness protection kind of thing? I don’t want to cause any trouble.
Genie replies: First of all, if you don’t want to cause trouble, you don’t bring your problems to an evil genie. Go take a fistful of pennies and hang out in a shopping mall wishing well.
After witnessing the gangland triple murder of your parents and their brand new puppy, your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend is whisked into witness protection. Well, not whisked exactly– first, he has to stand up in court. For his bravery in testifying against “Short Legs” Marscapone, a notorious crime boss, your enemy is hailed as a hero. As you mourn the loss of your parents, everyone else is focused on your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend; the media heaps praise on him, your mayor gives him a the key to the city, your extended family wants to put him up for sainthood, and bureaucrats argue fiercely about whether he should be honored with a school or a bridge or a hospital wing.
Your girlfriend, for her part, stays by your side, but never seems to tear her eyes away from the extensive TV coverage.
Casey Anthony was acquitted of all major crimes surrounding the death of her daughter Caylee, but many Americans are unhappy about the verdict. In 1992 LA rioted after officers were acquitted for beating Rodney King, but its unlikely that this will occur today because Americans concerned with this case are too busy watching Nancy Grace to turn over police cars and loot stores in their neighborhoods. Luckily they can lodge their discontent from the comfort of their sofas.
More than 770,000 people have liked the Facebook page “Fuck Casey Anthony” over the course of the trial. There are hundreds of pages dedicated to the nuances of hating Casey Anthony. Pages pointing out her “bacne”, obsessing over hitting her in the face with a metal pole, or simply calling her a Slut Extraordinaire (French for “extraordinary slut”). One Facebook page calls Casey Anthony Public Enemy #1. I’m sure that elusive al-Qaeda terrorist Aiman al-Zawahiri is a little embarrassed that he’s been pushed down a notch by the “tot mom.” The fair-minded people at Casey Anthony is a dumb bitch did not think the sentencing was harsh enough so they took to their polls.