Jimmy John’s sandwich shops posted this cute joke photo on their Facebook this morning:
The commenters quickly started arguing whether it’s illegal to post these pictures (it’s a misdemeanor in some states, a felony in others, completely legal in a few). It got real stupid, real fast.
Political oracle Nate Silver shuffles into the kitchen. He pours himself an orange juice. He spits it out, there’s vodka in it, when last night did he decide to dump vodka in the orange juice carton?
Nate squeezes an iPhone on his shoulder, that exaggerated sideways scrunch we all make now that our phones shrank but we still have things to do with our hands, and we refuse to wear a Bluetooth. Karl Rove is yelling at Nate from inside the iPhone. He’s asking Nate to run the numbers in Ohio one more time. Just to be safe. He’s reminding Nate that he (Karl) has been here before, and they made a TV movie about it, with this really embarrassing scene at the end where Al Gore calls up the guy whose memoir the movie is based on and basically gives his asshole a good tongue-licking. Nate says “It’s too early in the morning to hear you talk like this” and puts down the iPhone.
“Steve, what day did you send out the election-related merchandise email newsletter?”
“Oh, months ago! Back when it made any sense for someone to buy a design that would be rendered obsolete tomorrow! Sorry just a sec I need to go write a… thing.”
Happy election day! There don’t seem to be many people trying to advise you how to vote today. So we’ll fix that with our national voting guide! Here are our endorsements:
The Actual Lord Satan Himself for Some Circuit Judge Position, He’s Unopposed So You May as Well Vote for a Winner
Captain Queefheart for City Drag-person of Indeterminate Gender Identification
Elizabeth Warren for Friend Who Thinks You Should Watch Homeland and You Know She Was Right About The Wire and Louie So Just Sit Down With Some Hulu This Weekend
Sammison Jamjar for Dog-catcher Catcher
Shia LaBeouf for Verizon “Can You Hear Me Now” Guy
Bob Bob for Company Man (American American Party ticket)
Alison Gallison for Frequently Misspelled Name
Ron Paul for Hahaha No, But What If Really, Wouldn’t That Be Random
Photo from Village Soup
Everyone loved my texts from Mitt Romney in September, but no one told me how to make him stop. Even when I had no cell signal after the hurricane, Mitt somehow kept reaching me. Here they are. I really hope he doesn’t get elected, or he’ll keep talking to me.
On foreign policy, I was impressed that both candidates knew about the attack on our embassy. This is an important issue for me, as I consider myself a bit of an expert on Liberia.
— “An Undecided Voter Watches the Vice-Presidential Debate” by Get Your War On‘s David Rees
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