Ever notice how everyone in Pawnee has a drinking problem?
Posts Tagged drinking
Matt Jurns is a practiced bachelor. He’s made some instructions for living a proper bachelor life. He’s typed them for us, on a typewriter. It seems fitting.
You know the feeling: Dry mouth, splitting headache, sore muscles, general dizziness and nausea. Be grateful for your hangover. If things got seriously weird, you could wake up with something much worse.
Redditor ompalompa911 asked, “What’s the weirdest scenario you have ever woken up to after drinking?” The answers were both astonishing and hilarious, and showed a certain drunken fascination with food and travel. Ompalompa911 gets things started:
One night, I came home from a party. For some reason, I get really hungry when I’m drunk, so I decided to make myself some food. I found a frozen pizza and put it in the oven, on top of a some newspaper to avoid messing up the oven. It seemed pretty logical at that point. I turned around, slicing up some bacon to put on the frozen pizza. I cut myself pretty badly while doing this, but I didn’t notice. I heard a sound, so I turned around. It’s the paper in the oven, burning. This is all I can remember.
I wake up to my mom shouting. I’m on the floor of my kitchen. Around me is what looks like some sort of satanic food-ritual. There are ashes and blood in a circle around me. I had seemingly tried to put out the burning paper with my bleeding hands. Bacon and a halfway-done frozen pizza are formed to some sort of a mattress under me, and for some reason my pants are halfway down my legs.
The_dayman found his nemesis:
I once woke up with a girl I didn’t know and two of my fingers were broken. I didn’t ask her name and just dropped her off, so I’ll never really know what happened. A month later I woke up with her again and had to go to the hospital because my foot was still bleeding. Still don’t know her name, but she may be a harbinger of my death.