If these tips can’t get you laid, then any other tips probably still can.
Posts Tagged dating
I’m sick of getting messaged by all these fedora dweebs on OkCupid. Here are some of the worst losers who’ve messaged me.
Wow, didn’t think you were gonna molest me but now I do.
His interests include “supposing toeses are roses” and “singing in the rain.” Jesus Christ, Jazz Hands, get a new manic pixie dreamschtick.
Nick’s got a date tonight.
Stupid romantic gestures are something of a hot topic lately. There was the guy who faked his own death to propose to his girlfriend, and the guy who almost died trying to mail himself to her. While these are obviously extreme cases, the mentality behind them is by no means unique. Redditor blanket_lava asked “Women of Reddit, what is the stupidest thing a guy did to impress you?”
She later clarified a bit, saying, “Not stupidly cute or stupidly sweet, just plain stupid.”
Hazywakeup kicks things off with a real winner:
A few months ago a guy sat across from me on a bus, obviously trying to flash some philosophy book he was reading at me in hopes that I’d comment on it. When I didn’t bite, he came right out with, “You know, I’m technically classified as emotionally disturbed.”
Myuriko felt like she was watching Planet Earth:
Started talking about salsa dancing and really playing up his Latino heritage. When he started shuffling around to show me his moves (I did not ask him to, he just started dancing) I felt like I was on some nature channel documentary.
David Attenborough, whispering, “The male specimen begins his courtship ritual with braggadocio based on racial stereotyping, in an attempt to emphasize his sexual prowess. And now the mating dance begins… No.. No, she’s not buying it. He will return to the herd, unsuccessful, for today.”
Reddit’s “What’s The Dumbest Thing You’ve Said on a Date?” Thread Makes You Wonder How Anyone Finds Love
Everyone has been on a bad date. But some of us have been much, much further down the rabbit hole. I’m not talking food in your teeth or something on your shirt. I’m talking full-stop “There’s Something About Mary” hair product horror shows. While that oh-so-memorable scene is a bit farfetched, once you read these confessions of courting gone wrong, you might find yourself thankful that the worst you ever did was get embarrassingly drunk at a sushi place.
Brumbrum21’s attempt to downplay quickly backfired on him:
After a night out with this girl I’ve been courting, we went back to my place and started fooling around. We got into my room where she knelt down and began to take my pants off. Once I was naked she said, “Wow you’re really big.” Trying to be humble, I responded, “Nah, I’ve seen bigger.”
At least Bendubendubendu had his facts straight:
[I was] hanging out with a girl I had been dating for a little while. We were talking and she brought up the fact that her biological father was a sperm donor. We had already talked about this before and I didn’t really have anything particular to keep that conversation going besides, “That really increases your chances of accidental incest, you know.”
Unless you’re a horrible, horrible human being, dating a girl with a maid is gonna make you feel like the worst person on Earth; like the conscientious son of a plantation owner. Every ounce of your being is going to want to take your own plate over to the sink or say things like, “Don’t worry, I’ll get it.”
But you know when a lion rips apart a gazelle in a nature documentary and the announcer says something like, “although horrifying to us, this is just par for the course in the wild”? Think about it like that. And if you’re still upset about it, just remember that the Filipino maid you feel so sorry for lives in a bigger house than you (the outhouse at your girlfriend’s).
Thank you for the universal praise for “20 Guys Trying to Bang a Total Psycho on OkCupid“! We’re proud of every commenter ever for recognizing comedy, irony and hyperbole! Everyone saw clearly how the butt of the joke is Marla herself, because we explained it super-clearly because we’re very professional and perfect. As a reward, here are 12 more conversations with Marla, a crazy person made up for a fake OkCupid account.
Because OkCupid decided this joke was too good to let slowly devolve into a tired gag, they’ve closed Marla’s account. This will be the last-ever collection of Marla’s OkCupid conversations until she makes another account.
The world is fucked. If you are single, you’re fucked. If you’re married, you’re probably going to get divorced, so you’re fucked too. Online dating is taking over, and it’s as bad as everyone says it is. The general population is morphing into lazy, fake, desperate, and creepy weirdoes on the internet, and I did a little experiment to prove it.
I made a fake profile on OkCupid based on a character I created, named Marla. Here’s what Marla’s profile looked like. Please note that in my profile picture, you can’t see my face, boobs, butt, or anything that would indicate that I’m physically attractive whatsoever. Oh come on, that’s a hot shoulder. — Ed.
The goal was to be as incredibly weird, rude, and unattractive as possible to see if guys would still talk to me. Seriously, who would waste more than 0.05 seconds on this white trash bitch? A LOT OF PEOPLE, APPARENTLY.