Following our hit series Unspirationals (beautiful photos with depressing text), and inspired by this beautiful Hitler joke, we present commonly quoted life advice, matched with the bad, worse, and horrible people who embodied it.
Posts Tagged advice
Please welcome Slacktory’s newest advice columnist, actor and universe-fetishist Jeff Goldblum.
What kind of gelato do you eat together on a first date?
— @ElviPatterson on Twitter
Ah! Ah-ha! Gelato! Yes! This is an important question. But then, oh, yes, every question is important. When-when-when a child asks why is the seafoam green or why…why was I ever even born if life is so meaningless…these aren’t funny questions! These are serious—Oh! Oh yes! Life is important. Your question, even though it seems…it seems…I’m sorry to say, it seems stupid. It’s very stupid. But yes, unless, it’s not stupid! Unless it is important! Life’s important! Life finds a way!
Hey guys I’m back with some advice. Sorry I’ve been MIA…I’ve been out lookin’ for love in all the wrong places again. I tried online dating for the eleventh time and let’s just say I’m still singlin and minglin. I met some really crazy dudes who were only lookin for one thing if you know what I mean and what I mean is they were lookin’ for my vagina.
Well last time I talked about food and this time I’m talkin about productivity. I answered some new questions and hope that you leave a question about travel for me in the comments section below for next time or else Slacktory will fire me and I won’t be able to pay my cable bill which won’t even matter cuz I steal cable from my neighbors so take that Slacktory lol jk.
Why can’t I ever pay attention when I watch movies?
That Person That Always Asks Questions During Movies
Slacktory’s Brad O’Farrell wrote about Heidi Crowter, the girl whose picture was used in the “I can count to potato” meme, and whom the Sun recently irresponsibly publicized. I asked Josh Fonner, who gave several interviews this year about being used in two mean “fat” memes, to write some advice from one meme victim to another.
We post a lot of satire here, but the following is real. Josh wrote one open letter to comfort Heidi, then chastised her mother in another. His opinions are, of course, his own.
You don’t know me, but we have something in common. We’ve both been made fun of by a lot of mean people on the internet. I just wanted to write you a short letter to try to cheer you up. I understand you’re probably sad and upset about what you’ve seen in the past few days. Don’t let it get you down. I’ve had my pictures stolen and used in hurtful ways too, but the GREAT part of it is, none of these people have EVER made fun of me in real life. My advice to you Heidi, if this meme hurts you, live your life like you never found out about it. People will forget it ever happened. Just be the lovely, kind, gentle hearted person I’m sure you are, and everything will work itself out. Because “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Keep your chin up. This will all die down soon enough. It always does.
I was putting on my makeup this morning and I accidentally fell through the mirror glass into another dimension. That’s totally fine, over the last ten hours I’ve come to accept that and make peace with it. I mean, look what it did for The Black Eyed Peas. But the problem is, when I was falling I wasn’t able to grab any of my make-up. Do you have any advice on where to get hopefully inexpensive — I don’t have a job here or know if they have a monetary system — make-up quickly in an alternate dimension?
I started a website called Yo, Is This Racist?, where (almost exclusively white) people can write in and get my extremely ill-informed opinion about whether or not something is racist. Now I’m an expert on this shit.
Lately, racists have been really worked up about making sure people know they are friends with, and have interest in, people of color. Maybe it was watching Mitt Romney quote “Who Let the Dogs Out”. Maybe it was The Help. Maybe racists are really trying to better themselves haha no.
Thanks for all your questions from last time about cooking and food! After you read the answers, please ask Marla your questions about productivity.
Since the holidays are here, can you please suggest a good pair of pants with an elastic waist band? This problem happens every year…I can’t clear my plate, because I always pop my jeans.
Thanks for all your questions from last time about neighbors! After you read the answers, please ask Marla your questions about cooking and food.
I have a problem with my neighbor’s dog. The damn thing barks all day long. It even wakes up my baby and baby mama. What can I do? I’m afraid if I kill it my neighbors will burn my house down. Help!