The 90s Guy

  1. Borg Cher

    When did Cher become a cyborg?

    The 90s Guy is a column by a man living in the 1990s.

    Holy shit! I turned around for like five minutes and Cher has become some kind of cybernetic angel-being from the future.

    Like, I know she hasn’t really done much lately (other than that weird duet with Beavis and Butthead) but I didn’t know she was taking a break so she could undergo an experimental procedure to bring her that much closer to a state of pure electronic omniscience.

    I mean, you’ve heard that Believe song, right?

    If you haven’t heard it yet, you should check your TV Guide… »

  2. Mighy Ducks movie vs NHL team

    The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim are nothing like the movie

    The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.

    When I heard they were making a real NHL team based on The Mighty Ducks, I got really excited. I totally thought this was going to change everything, like how Happy Gilmore changed the sport of golf — only in real life and with hockey instead. I thought the NHL would become more fun and sarcastic and like, I don’t know, demographically diverse I guess.

    But the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim are just like any other boring NHL team. They don’t ever quack to get themselves pumped up, there seems to be little to no focus on the patented triple deke technique, and they have yet to ever skate in a flying V formation.

    If I’m watching a hockey team called the Mighty Ducks, then somebody better be using a lasso at some point. »

  3. Alice from the Brady Bunch with the Step by Step family

    “Step by Step” is basically just “The Brady Bunch”

    The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.

    Nice try, Patrick Duffy!

    I’m onto your little ruse. I saw that little stunt you and Suzanne Somers pulled last Friday night during TGIF. And once others wise up to your scheme you’re gonna be in some deep shit.

    First of all you named your show Step by Step but then you didn’t use the New Kids on the Block song of the same name in any capacity, which is just a total waste. But even worse than that, you completely ripped off The Brady Bunch and you didn’t even do a good job of hiding it.

    Let’s look at the evidence. »

  4. ermahgerd gersberms mah fravrit berks

    I just finished a “Goosebumps” book and now I can’t sleep

    The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.

    Dude, I just got done reading the freakiest Goosebumps book and now I can’t sleep.

    I don’t want to relive the experience so I’ll save you the goriest of details, but like it all started out when some kids had to like go to this new place that they were unfamiliar with. At first it all seemed okay and like there were all these new people to meet and they seemed cool.

    But then — I shit you not — all sorts of fucked things started to happen. »

  5. dead sick tamagotchi

    I’m a horrible Tamagotchi parent

    The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.

    So like, does anybody else just get the sick notion that maybe they should just let their Tamagotchi die?

    I mean, I was all excited when I found out I could be the parent of a real digital lifeform and I knew this would be hard work, but I was ready to commit. Now I can’t help but think that maybe the Tamagotchi species was meant to die off.

    They basically scammed us into taking care of them — feeding them, playing with them, giving them medicine when they catch spooky floating skull syndrome.  Without us the entire species would languish and die, but as the most intelligent lifeforms on the planet isn’t it our duty to protect lesser species from extinction if we can help it? Wouldn’t the end of the Tamagotchi species upset the entire digital ecosystem?

    Because if not, I say… »

  6. playing POGs

    How to Cheat at POGs

    The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.

    So like, whoever told you that POGs was a game of skill did not have your best interests at heart. You’re probably sitting there with your Bigfoot Slammer and your amazing wrist-flick trick that you swear makes the POGs land face-up every time, but none of that means anything dude.

    Because POGs is a battle of wits.

    My strategy: flat-out cheat. »

  7. Batman and Robin

    How are they going to top “Batman and Robin”?

    The 90s Guy is a column by a guy in the 1990s.

    If you haven’t seen “Batman and Robin” yet, you should because it’s the best superhero movie ever made.

    It’s got action, it’s got heart, it’s got guys frequently ice skating around — they really spared no expense to make this the most colorful, zany, trippy comic movie of all time.

    First of all Gotham City has never looked better — there’s like giant behemoth statues holding up all the buildings and everything has been cast in neon-colored spotlights.

    Arnold Schwarzenegger is a crazy ice robot looking for diamonds to cure his sick wife. He’s just brutal in this movie. He’s all giant and imposing, but he’s also got like a likeable side. He says a lot of puns to let you know that he’s not like a totally evil guy. He’s just a blue dude trying to save his wife.

    And could you cast a better Batman than George Clooney? »

  8. Surf Ninjas poster

    “Surf Ninjas” was disappointing

    The 90s Guy is a column written by a guy in the 1990s.

    Look, I was totally on board with Surf Ninjas at first, but somewhere along the way I think they lost their original vision.

    I mean, it started out great! The ninja kids were all like sarcastic and had badass attitudes. I mean these kids were so cool that a 30-year-old Rob Schneider was hanging out with them.

    And they were always surfing, like even when they were driving they were surfing. So far the movie was definitely delivering on the surfing stuff.

    And then the ninja stuff came in and it was pretty cool too… »

  9. Dr Seuss hat guy

    Which Dr. Seuss hat should I wear to the party?

    The 90s Guy is a column about a guy from the 1990s.

    So I’ve got this party I’m going to this weekend and I want to show off that I’m like a really cool, laid back guy who likes to have a good time. So naturally I’m going to wear one of those like floppy stovetop Dr. Seuss hats — but I can’t figure out which one.

    I’ve got one that’s red and white, you know, just like totally Cat in the Hat style. I figure it shows off that I appreciate the classics — that I’m not trying to be anything more than who I am. I’ve got a playful side and I embrace my inner child.

    Help me pick out this hat, dude. »

  10. sign my guestbook

    Did You Sign the Guestbook on My Website Yet?

    The 90s Guy is a column by a guy from the 1990s.

    So hey —  did you sign the guestbook on my website yet?

    It’s just that I checked the hit counter and it says I have two more views since yesterday — and since one of them is me checking on the counter, I thought maybe the other one was you?

    And if it was you, why didn’t you sign my guestbook?

    Did you not see the animated gif that said “Sign my Guestbook?”

    Or would it not load on your dial-up connection? »

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