Slacktory

Monologues

  1. Pitchfork logo pixellated

    How music reviews should work

    Why do we still have music reviews? Just tell me if the album is good, right?

    Do I like songs that “find magnificence in destruction and build an aesthetic out of decay and loss”? I don’t know! I don’t know if that’s a thing I like. If a song is “as blustery, blunt, and obvious as the emotions described therein” then that could be super fun, or it could be annoying. I have no idea until I play the song. Those quotes are from actual Pitchfork reviews, by the way.

    Just gimme ten words, and a five-star scale.

    Music reviews should be like:

    “Is good song. Is sad. You listen song when sad. It make cries.”

    “Harsh. Loud. Scary. Headbang.”

    “Album no good as single. You like single? You listen this other album instead.”

    “Song very happy, very jumpy. You like it for three days repeat, then you tired. Maybe it embarrass you though in sex playlist.”

    I do find Pitchfork useful, though. I love everything they rate from 5.4 to 8.1, and loathe nearly everything lower or higher.

  2. pineapple

    It hurts when you do that (A monologue)

    Ow. Seriously. Please stop that. I can’t imagine a situation in which that would feel good. Do you think that some girls would actually enjoy that? Is it a European thing or something? Maybe you picked it up during that semester you spent in Italy.

    But, um, when not in Rome, man. Honestly, that wasn’t desirable in the slightest. Can you hand me my pants? Wow, maybe some Neosporin, too.

    Did your watch get caught down there or something? It felt like you were putting a pineapple in one end and pulling it out the other. Should I have enjoyed that? Do you want me to… am I supposed to do that to you now? Is there a bib or something I can wear?

    Was that your toe? It felt like a toe was involved… »

  3. Clint Eastwood talks to empty chairs

    Clint Eastwood Interviews Other Empty Chairs

    The Iron Throne

    See, I never thought it was a good idea for Northern lords to be the King’s Hand, anyway. They’re always honoring this and honoring that. But I think it is maybe time — what do you think — for maybe a dwarf. How about that, Mr. Stark? All right, I’m sorry. Winter can’t do that to herself.

    More: Clint Eastwood talks to Elijah, a children’s party game, and the Oklahoma City bombing victims. »

  4. Chicago tour bus

    Double Decker Bus Tour Guy With Really Bad Road Rage

    On your right you’ll see the Wrigley Building, known for its FUCKING MOVE YOU STUPID ASSHOLE.

    On your left, you’ll see a building with beautiful gothic architecture [hears honking below] WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT

    FUCKING GO

    GO

    TED

    [stomps foot]

    TED

    ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING STAND FOR THIS

    HONK YOUR HORN

    LONGER

    HONK YOUR HORN LONGER, TED

    Keep touring beautiful Chicago by bus. »

  5. Anonymous Workplace Story: Jaws

    I sometimes chat with a funny guy who has an office job. This is his latest story, translated from IMs.

    Uuuugh duuude. I have been doing 12-13 hour days the last couple days, to work on a bloated, redundant project pitch.

    Like, imagine you were going to work on a movie. And this was just after Jaws came out.

    And you were going to be on a team to make a totally kickass monster movie — but then the executive producer says “Nah we can’t do that stuff. Your monster’s basically a shark.” And you realize “Fuck, I’m just making Jaws again.”

    “But, shittier.”

    That’s this project. Shitty Jaws.

  6. Sally Ride in space

    Henry Thinks Things: Sally Ride, First!

    Was Sally Ride the first gay person in space?

    That’d be pretty dope. Being a first. That’s why people yell that shit on the internet so much, right?

    I bet when she arrived in space, she yelled “First!” And then whispered “gay lady in space.”

    And lady in general, sure.

    Whatever man, the joke is pretending Sally Ride treated space like a YouTube video.

  7. mathematician from the movie Pi

    I Will Take Full Advantage of This Estimated Power Bill

    Dear Consolidated Edison,

    Thank you for your estimated power bill for the month of June. I see that although I used my air conditioner minimally, used only one light at a time, and was on vacation for a week, you “estimated” my power bill at $153.22.

    I see that your estimations are not based on figures from this reality, but from some astral plane where numbers are colors and the laws of magic prevail. I am in little risk of my energy use being accurately measured and charged for in this realm, where an alarm clock draws more power than an HDTV.

    I have turned on said HDTV, and I will not be turning it off. (Read on.) »

  8. stray dog

    Thoughts of a Dog Passing Its Own Missing Dog Sign

    Oh, I saw it. I recognized Connor’s sloppy handwriting from my water bowl. I’m glad he wasn’t too concerned about how much that 6 looks like a 0. It’s not like there’s a life on the line or anything. But even if I could operate a phone, I wouldn’t call. I know how to get home from here. I could get back if I wanted to. But so far this has been fabulous.

    Let me explain why I ran away the other night when Connor opened the door for that pizza guy. First of all, Connor gave me no respect. He was always ordering me around and teaching me tricks and stuff. Shit man, I don’t want to do that. What do I care if I can fetch something? Do you know how frustrating that is? That tennis ball does not belong in that corner of the park. Stop throwing it over there.

    Could I go on the couch? Nope. (Read on.) »

  9. Notes From a Conference Call #1

    The following are real reactions to a real conference call, IMed to me by a friend at a terrible office job. This authorized series will recur every time he suffers such a meeting. — Ed.

    Guy on this call just said “could you add a little more flavor?” To a webpage.

    And it sounds like someone else on the call has a baby? And is driving a car with the windows down? Look out for your baby!

    Oh lord. Developer asks good question. Product manager gives him very condescending rephrasing of his question. Rephrasing is incorrect. Developer asks again. I die inside.

  10. offline-farm

    Let’s Send All the People Who Ruin the Internet Out to a Farm

    The internet’s pretty much the best thing ever. It’s where these words live. (The words you’re reading!) But wow, some people do not understand it. Or worse: they do, and they’re jerks about it.

    Maybe these people have disguised a banner ad as a software download link (or worse: a “close this window” link), or they’ve designed a restaurant website so it auto-plays a crazy jazz song while you just try to find the restaurant menu.

    Which is why we should send them to a farm.

    Not, like, a death farm! Nothing like that. Just a nice farm out in the country where they can hang out in the sunshine and pick crops and not ruin the goddamn internet for everyone for fuck’s sake.

    Imagine this: A business man who embedded a MIDI on his corporate website back in 2009 carries a bag of corn to a barn. He passes a woman who insisted her company’s website have a Flash intro, and she’s driving a tractor and having a great time. She waves at a herd of SEO guys, and they all wave back! They’re painting a barn or doing something equally farm-y, and they’re just having a blast. Look at ‘em, wiping their sweaty foreheads with their power ties. They are super happy at this farm I invented for internet jerks.

    Listen, that’s all I had to say about this weird farm idea, but let me tell you a couple things that happened while working on the title graphic for this post… »

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