1. Top Six Wettest Disney Princesses

    6. Jasmine (Aladdin)

    Look at her, just standing in that Saudi Arabian desert, sand blowing everywhere. “What’s that J? You need some lotion for your uncomfortably dry and itchy skin?” Jasmine’s got those sweaty armpits guaranteed by a stiflingly hot home climate, but not much else going for her in the wet department. She also has a beloved orange and black pet cat named Garfield. Cats, especially cartoon cats, despise water and its wet properties. Girl, you just laid a big ol’ goose egg to kick off these wetness scale ratings.


  2. Jimmy Kimmel Live

    Next on Jimmy Kimmel Live

    1. House Republicans embrace entire Democratic platform after prankster tells them Obama wants the opposite
    2. Parents tell their children God is dead, toddler goes viral after walking herself through foundations of existentialism
    3. Kimmel spends an entire commercial-free episode detailing criminal charges he’s filed against Jay Leno; Jay takes it affably
    4. Louis C.K. rants: “My life is amazing and I have to act unhappy”
    5. The Roots show up, play three Gregory Brothers hits before someone escorts them to the right set
    6. New segment: “Fuck It, We’re Doing the Top Ten But Better”
    7. Announcer Dicky Barrett replaced by “Fucking Shit” news anchor
    8. “I’m Fucking Tsarnaev”
    9. This Week in Necessary Censorship, Because We Don’t Condone These Words, They’re Homophobic and Racist
    10. The Beatles!
  3. stressed-people-at-a-computer

    Gmail addresses someone, somewhere, signed up for

    The following are all registered Gmail addresses, according to the site’s signup page.

    • MyExIsAnIdiot
    • MyExIsAMoron
    • MyExIsGay
    • IFuckDogs
    • IEatBabies
    • IAteYourBaby
    • DingoAteTheBaby
    • BabyAteTheDingo
    • YouGaveMeHerpes
    • YouGaveMeTheClap
    • YouGaveMeVD
    • YouRippedMyAsshole

    See many more unlikely-but-real Gmail addresses. »

  4. Superbowl-party

    Super Bowl party tips

    I’m no stranger to attending a party or two when Super Bowl Sunday rolls around, sometimes even when specifically invited. I’d like to share some essential pointers for pigskin party-goers that I use each year. Allow me to allow YOU to have the best time possible at the party no matter what team you’re rooting for (I usually say the Wisconsin Wieners, but then again, I’m the office cut-up, so…)

    First: note where the host’s belfry is. It is most likely the room with the highest population of bats, and you’d be very wise to steer clear of it.

    If there are women at the party, be kind and courteous and ask them if they’d care to “have the next waltz.” Don’t be a sucker and miss your chance for a smooch after the big Charleston contest they’re sure to hold during half-time!

    Read more tips for a Superbowl party that won’t ‘short stop.’ »

  5. Attention fashionistas


    Let’s face it, fashionistas. We are in an “ever-changing” world of clothing and style (pun not intended, but pointed out by the Library of Congress, and, admittedly, VERY clever). A world where one finds out something is passé even before they knew it was totally safe and sé to begin with.

    In order to navigate these seas of pleats and petticoats, meadows of barrettes and blush, and these jails of ball-and-chains and striped coveralls, guidance must be given. Why not take that guidance from me? After all, I am most qualified. As you recall, I am considered by most to be the “Boston Market” of fashion (i.e “the best, exhibiting the most consistence in quality and standard of excellence” in fashion).

    • First off, clogs are very “in” this year. However, ATTN: my fashionistas, NOT the shoes.
    • Girdles are NOT just for the waist anymore! Some of the leaders of the field are beginning to use them as accessories to the thighs, head, and car. (Most notably, those leaders with big, fat thighs, heads and cars.)
    • Please remember, with this rhyme, to wear a watch to tell the time!
    • A tip for the corporate fashionista: Lay out your clothes for the workweek, attached to the names of those you wish to impress with each respective outfit. To get you rolling, I suggest “the boss”, “payroll” and “the big boss”.
    • Attn: Fashionistos: Tuxedos = Succeed-os. Please be wearing one at all times, to avoid insults, complaints (both verbal and e-mailed), and mandatory community-service sentences.

    Read the rest of our fashion tips, fashion quips, and fashion alligator clips. »

  6. Justin Bieber hate on Google Images

    Prolific YouTube User BieberSux69’s Bucket List

    • Find out what the hell a meme is.
    • Lobby YouTube to change their voting mechanism from“Thumbs up/Thumbs down” to “Doesn’t suck dick/Sucks dick.”
    • Personally mediate a settlement to the divisive Eminem/Insane Clown Posse feud.
    • Have sexual intercourse with a robot. Or even a regular person, I guess…in a nutshell, just have sex.
    • Try meth, but know when to stop.

    See the rest of the bucket list. »

  7. Gangs of New York Five Points

    WARNING: Gangs to watch out for in New York City

    Residents of New York, please be advised to be on the lookout for any suspicious criminal activity involving:

    Treacherous Phil,
    The Frowny Downers,
    The Hitched Villians,
    Their newborn son: Dylan Villain,
    Benedict Arnold,
    to a lesser extent, Benedict Ronald,
    See what other gangs to avoid. »

  8. most threatening actors in cyberspace

    The other most threatening actors in cyberspace

    Irrespective of sophistication, the volume of exploitation attempts yielded enough successful breaches to make China the most threatening actor in cyberspace.

    USCC 2012 Annual Report to Congress

    • George Clooney on Halo 4: Spartan Ops
    • Patton Oswalt and David Cross in an @-war
    • The friend who invited you to her community theater show on Facebook
    • Lena Dunham’s lifeforce
    • Gilbert Gottfried’s deathforce
    • Liam Neesons
    • Mark Hamill, by proxy through fans of his highly successful voiceover career, when a Redditor offhandedly mentions him as a has-been
    • Wil Wheaton, Wil Wheaton, Wil Wheaton
    • Aaron Paul GIFs
    • The chick who plays Daenerys Targaryen, when discussed as total jailbait bro
    • What remains of Frankie Muniz
  9. iPhone video editing

    More dealbreaker bugs in the iPhone 5

    Apple’s iPhone 5 and the fifth-generation iPod touch appear to be suffering from a strange glitch that means they struggle to keep up with rapid touch inputs, particularly when scrolling at a 45-degree angle.

    Cult of Mac

    That’s not even the worst bug in the iPhone 5! Consider these other serious flaws:

    • Scraping razor blade across the glass makes unpleasant sound
    • Smaller than iPad Mini
    • Not available as live-updating palm tattoo
    • Sometimes the other player wins Letterpress

    See more problems with the iPhone 5. »

  10. kids vote in mock election

    Slacktory’s political endorsements

    Happy election day! There don’t seem to be many people trying to advise you how to vote today. So we’ll fix that with our national voting guide! Here are our endorsements:

    The Actual Lord Satan Himself for Some Circuit Judge Position, He’s Unopposed So You May as Well Vote for a Winner

    Captain Queefheart for City Drag-person of Indeterminate Gender Identification

    Elizabeth Warren for Friend Who Thinks You Should Watch Homeland and You Know She Was Right About The Wire and Louie So Just Sit Down With Some Hulu This Weekend

    Sammison Jamjar for Dog-catcher Catcher

    Shia LaBeouf for Verizon “Can You Hear Me Now” Guy

    Bob Bob for Company Man (American American Party ticket)

    Alison Gallison for Frequently Misspelled Name

    Ron Paul for Hahaha No, But What If Really, Wouldn’t That Be Random

    Photo from Village Soup

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