Slacktory

Fiction

  1. More world-beating scoops from the New York Post

    As other news outlets struggled to verify and report breaking developments in the Boston Marathon bombings, one paper managed to cut through the clutter and report the facts before they were even facts. With shoe-leather and sensationalism, the New York Post scooped its competitors and breathlessly reported that 12 had been killed by the blasts, that two unexploded devices had been found, and that a suspect — a Saudi national — had been identified and taken into custody.

    Unfortunately, none of these facts happened to be true. The death toll was three, not 12. There were zero unexploded devices, not two. And the “suspect” — a 20-year-old spectator who had been injured by the bombing — was in actuality a “person of interest” who cooperated with investigators and was quickly cleared of any guilt.

    But the Post doubled down on their strategy. »

  2. historical gentlemen's club

    An informal employee evaluation at Jiggles Gentlemen’s Club

    Hello Svetlana. Thank you for coming in. Have a seat. No, no you’re not in any trouble. Not at all. In fact, we think you’re a great addition to the Jiggles Gentlemen’s Club family. It’s just that, well, I’ve noticed some things you do, and I thought we could discuss them. Just rap. You and me. This isn’t an employee evaluation. It’s nothing to be afraid of.

    Firstly, I apologize if this is intrusive—I try not to micro-manage—but I couldn’t help but overhear as you were leading a gentleman—rotund fellow with the blue sweatpants, perhaps you remember, perhaps not, it doesn’t really matter—as you were leading him into the private room you coyly asked if he was—and I apologize for my salty language but these are your words, not mine—you asked if he was “ready for this blonde pussy.”

    You know, some people say this isn’t a place for feminism, but I beg to differ. “Blonde pussy”? Svetlana, please. You’re not just a hair color and a vagina; you’re a beautiful, modern, independent woman! You’re a fantastic dancer. A daring dresser. You write that marriage advice column for that Albanian magazine—which I’m told is highly lauded. You’re a caring and nurturing mother. And little Cassandra is lucky to—I’m sorry, yes, yes, CassONdra is lucky to have a mother like you. So please don’t limit yourself in that way.

    Secondly, you need to scale back your moves. »

  3. Famous fedoras of OkCupid

    I’m sick of getting messaged by all these fedora dweebs on OkCupid. Here are some of the worst losers who’ve messaged me.

    Fedora dweebs Gene Kelly

    Wow, didn’t think you were gonna molest me but now I do.

    His interests include “supposing toeses are roses” and “singing in the rain.” Jesus Christ, Jazz Hands, get a new manic pixie dreamschtick.

    See how twelve other fedora-wearing idiots hit on me. »

  4. IKEA-bedroom

    I have the best room ever

    A man’s home is his castle. My current home is a teeny-tiny apartment in Brooklyn that I share with two jazz musician roommates, an army of millipedes, a few families of mice and I think once I saw a seagull. Disgusting, I know, but they refuse to try rock and roll.

    This makes my castle kinda the sucky kind of a castle, like those dumb ones made of sand (what are they called again? Dirt-turrets? Mud dungeons? It’ll come to me). Nevertheless it contains my room, where I do most, if not all, of my late-night carousing with loose women. Yeah, late-night carousing sure is great, though I would carouse 24/7 if it were up to me. Wouldn’t we all? Carousing is dope.

    Speaking of carousing, as an open-mic comedian who specializes in non-sequitur one-liners and long drawn-out conceptual bits, I’m sure you’ve assumed that I meet my fair share of groupies. Usually the groupies coyly make their intentions known to me by making the first move. Like the the adorable way they trip me from being passed out right there on the sidewalk, although sometimes these groupies are asleep on the floor of the subway when we meet-cute. Oftentimes it takes a little memory jog to find out where they know me from (Is it from my longtime patronage of the Build-A-Bear workshop? Are you one of those hardcore fans who know my earlier work with the Rainforest Cafe?) but they almost always refer to me by my name: Mister.

    Girls are always quite taken with how my room is decorated (messy, to the point of squalor)… »

  5. Randy-Travis-mug-shot

    The other side of the country song

    “Before He Cheats”
    (A statement from Oklahoma 9th Judicial Circuit Court, the Hon. Lindsay R. Stapleton presiding)

    Right now, you’re probably wishing that you could shoot a little whiskey. Right now, you’re probably thinking your ditty was much too risky. Right now, you’re probably hoping that the Court rules for you or that he won’t show.

    Oh, yes. I know.

    But Miss Underwood, the fact remains that when you “dug your key” into the side of “his pretty little souped-up 4-wheel drive,” you engaged in an act of vandalism as the pickup truck is obviously valued at more than the $400 required for this felony charge. Guilt is clear in this case. We turn now to a punishment that fits the crime.

    I would be remiss if I overlooked the clear hatred you have for protected classes, such as drinkers of fruit-based cocktails… »

  6. 8 directors remake Star Wars

    So Zack Snyder was, and then wasn’t, making a Seven Samurai ripoff within the Star Wars universe for Disney. He’s got a very distinctive style, so everyone had the potential movie appear fully formed in their mind’s eye as soon as they heard the news.

    Yoda Sparta

    And since Disney’s planning to do a bunch of Star Wars universe movies beyond the new trilogy, we’ve got a lot more auteur Jedi epics to imagine. So here’s what will come to mind if any critically acclaimed directors get a rumored chance to build on George Lucas’s legacy.

    First up: Woody Allen’s ‘To Tatooine With Love’ »

  7. Spider-World-spider-says-hi

    World of Spiders

    Welcome to the World of Spiders, a world where friendly spiders of all shapes and sizes are ready to help you out with everyday tasks. No job too big or too small for any of these spiders! They’re ready to help in any way they can – some might even show up in surprising places when you least expect it. No thanks necessary! It’s all just business as usual in the World of Spiders.

    World of Spiders: spider seatbelt

    Instead of a seatbelt to strap you in every morning, a cheerful Giant Huntsman Spider waits embedded in the back of your car seat. When it feels you sit down, it slowly unfurls its legs and coils them around you, keeping you safe and keeping you close. Just don’t come to any sudden stops!

    See the rest of the World of Spiders. »

  8. Magic-the-Gathering-card-deck

    Secret errors on the backs of “Magic: The Gathering” cards

    The collectible card game Magic: The Gathering includes over 10,000 unique types of cards. But the backs on all those cards are exactly the same. To keep a deck’s contents secret, nothing could be changed from the original back design from 1993. So several errors introduced in that first printing are “locked in” forever. For instance:

     

    Deckmaster-Magic-the-Gathering-card-back

    1. There are ballpoint pen marks in the “Deckmaster” logo (itself a remnant of an abandoned naming system).

    See the rest of the little-known errors on the Magic: The Gathering card backs. »

  9. banksy1

    I found Banksy’s notebook

    Ladies and gentlemen, I have stumbled upon the Rosetta Stone of subversive street art: Banksy’s notebook. These ideas and sketches may one day grace the walls of your local bank, or the book section of your local Urban Outfitters, but until then, here’s a sneak preview:

    • A soldier holds a rifle, but the rifle is actually a flower. The flower still shoots bullets, except the bullets are dollar signs. The soldier is Bart Simpson.
    • A little girl holds a balloon. The balloon is actually a policeman. A speech-bubble next to the policeman reads “You are under arrest… for thinking for yourself.”
    • A businessman wearing a gas mask watches television. What’s on TV? It’s the same businessman. That’s right, the TV is a mirror. There is a gas mask on top of the TV.

    See the rest of Banksy’s trenchant social commentary. »

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