1. dre&1D

    Dr. Dre pens a letter to the boys of One Direction

     October 11, 2012

     Dear Liam, Louis, Niall, Harry and of course Zayn,

     Hey guys! How are you all doing? We’ve never met, or anything like that, and honestly, I’m not as familiar with your music as I’d like to be. But my kids love you! My daughter, Truly — she’s 11 — she has a poster of Niall hanging over her bed, and she already has a ticket to your show in Los Angeles NEXT AUGUST! That’s so far away, but she told me that she already knows what she’s going to wear the show! Girls are crazy, right? Ha, ha!

    …Look. Let’s skip the formalities. I’m very familiar with your music. I’m Dr. Dre; I’m familiar with all my contemporaries. I’ve been watching you kids since you were on “X Factor” and I’ve watched you become superstars. Global superstars. And now I have some questions.

    Back when I was a young MC — before the muscles, before Eminem, and way before any of you were alive…

  2. Senior Lottery Copywriter

    Jobs I’d Like to Have That Do Not Exist: Senior Copywriter, Florida State Lottery

    You might be familiar with my work: 3, 8, 19, 33, 48, 79. Okay, that’s a little obscure. 2, 4, 44, 45, 68, 82 — with a bonus of 14! That one’s a classic, in some households. Fine, fine, I’ll just tell you what it says on my business card: John Hansen, Florida State Lottery and Gaming Commission, Senior Copywriter.

    Most people think that the Lotto drawing is random, but if you think the state of Florida can risk leaving those balls to a former Hooters waitress in a hand-me-down gown, then you have some grave misconceptions about fate and chance, and probably Keno and horse racing, too.

    I started out in scratchers…

  3. Atlas Shrugged Lord of the Rings

    Ayn Rand’s “The Lord of the Rings”

    There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

    — John Rogers

    When last we spoke, I had made a shocking scholarly discovery and revealed that Star Wars had been plagiarized from a lost play by William Shakespeare. Well, my literary research continues. As I was leafing through forgotten volumes in a dusty library, I came across the only copy of a lost manuscript. Written in 1944, it predates J.R.R. Tolkien’s series of novels by a decade.

    And so it is clear that Ayn Rand, Objectivist philosopher and author of Atlas Shrugged, wrote the first draft of the most beloved fantasy series of all time. I present excerpts from her version of this classic:



    by Ayn Rand


    Page 1:

    When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was a great stir in Hobbiton. Friends and relations gathered to pay tribute to this brave individualist. Bilbo was rich and therefore a good person, having gained wealth from a mysterious journey many years before. But the party-goers’ thoughts were occupied with a different mystery, one that had nothing to do with the source of Bilbo’s wealth. There was another question on the lips of the Tooks, the Sackville-Bagginses, the Brandybucks. And that question was this—


    Read the rest of the epic fantasy, where wizards can strike down orcs and letting the poor die is moral. »

  4. Marvel heroes on ABC

    10 Marvel TV Shows Coming to ABC

    ABC recently announced that they’re developing a TV show based on The Hulk due to the box office success of The Avengers. Now that Disney owns Marvel, they can pretty much make any Marvel TV show they want.

    Earlier this month ABC announced that they passed on AKA Jessica Jones by Twilight screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg. Jessica Jones was supposed to be about a former superheroine that became a private investigator, based on a Marvel comic from 2001-2004 called Alias. That… certainly sounds like a TV show! Lets see if we can come up with something better!


    Tony & Bruce’s MythBusters

    This would be exactly like MythBusters but set in the Marvel universe. Tony Stark and Bruce Banner would smile knowingly at each other with some ham-fisted gay tension while solving some of the Marvel universe’s greatest conundrums: Can the Hulk break adamantium? What would happen to Daredevil at a rave? How does the Thing take a shit?

    See the nine other shows Marvel’s bringing to ABC. »

  5. Star Wars Shakespeare poster

    Star Wars, As Written by William Shakespeare

    Though George Lucas claims that his 1977 film Star Wars is entirely original, based merely on his memories of the science fiction serials of his youth, new scholarly research has revealed the truth. Lucas was merely plagiarizing a much older work, a lost play by William Shakespeare. Shocking. Absolutely shocking.

    Here, for the first time, I present selected excerpts from THE WAR OF THE STARRES. Enjoy:

    ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦   ♦






    by Wm. Shakespeare

    At the pleafure of her moft rightous maj. Queen Elisabeth

    Anno domini 1604

    ♦   ♦   ♦


    ACT 1


    Her highness Princess Leia Organa is led by a troupe of Stormtroopers. On her way, she encounters Sir Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith.

    Leia: ‘Pon my soul! Lord Vader. I should have known’it.

    Vader: The very one stands before you. Verily, thou hast said it.

    Leia: Only you would be so bold, despised sir, as to enter the Blockade Runner Senatorial. In truth, the Senate will not hear of it! I am in their service, on a mission of greatest import–

    Vader: Spare me your meaningless persiflage, your highness! I know the truth, I will have it from you!

    Leia: [Aside] I am afeared that he will come to it, by and by–

    Vader: You are a member of that foul rabble, those most accursed wretches. You know of whom I speak! Thou art a member of the Rebel Alliance!

    Leia: God’s wounds!

    Vader: Thou art a traitor. Guards, do your duty!

    Leia: I am abashed, yet remain unbowed.

    The Stormtroopers lead her away in chains…

    Read the rest of the Bard’s Wars! Danger, romance and murder most foul await! »

  6. party downton abbey

    Party Downton Abbey

    Ken Marino nervously recites the Party Down catering company’s motto to Countess McGonagall and then reassures her, “This will be the best party Downton Abbey has ever seen!” Countess McGonagall tilts her large black hat down and glares at him through her square glasses. “It had better be, or you’ll soon find yourself expelled from Downton Abbey forever.”

    Meanwhile Adam Scott and Girl Adam Scott set up a bar in the sitting room. Adam Scott mutters, “What century are we even IN right now?” and Girl Adam Scott replies, “Like, you know, whatever.” Adam Scott and Girl Adam Scott share an awkward moment, then he bluntly states, “So how are things between you and Roy from the warehouse — is that thing like totally over or what?” and Girl Adam Scott says, “Yeah dude, totally, totally, yeah yeah yeah.”

    Suddenly a sinister gay footman runs up to Adam Scott and yanks a wine bottle out of his hand then he runs over to Countess McGonagall and blurts out, “My lady! I caught Mr Bates trying to steal THIS WINE BOTTLE from the catering company!” Countess McGonagall sighs, “Can’t you see I’m speaking to Mr Marino? And what does it matter whether or not Mr Bates stole the bottle? We have an open bar tonight, anyone may drink as much as they like.” The sinister gay footman sulks and walks away, then soliloquies “Blast! My poorly motivated and executed plan to DESTROY Mr Bates has been foiled yet again. I swear to god I will get you Mr Bates. If I have to kill every unborn child in Downton Abbey I swear to GOD I will get you!!!” The sinister gay footman shakes his fist like Dr Claw while leering at Mr Bates, who is chatting up a mannish woman on the other side of the room.

    Jane Lynch throws her arm around Mr Bates… »

  7. Whitney the Last Airbender

    Whitney: The Last Airbender

    “Whitney, your twin sister, Outsourced Cummings, represented a significant investment to NBC,” the NASA Business Commission executive mutters, “We’d like to talk to you about taking over her contract and enlisting in the Avatar program.”

    Whitney Cummings mouthfarts, “psshhh, what’s with the serious pants attitude!?” The NBC exec looks confused. “Whitney, you understand that your twin sister is dead, right?” Whitney rolls her eyes and slinks back in her chair, “it’s all cool dude!” Then she burps.

    The flustered NBC executive strokes his devil beard and says, “Listen, we’ve got a pilot ready to launch on Thursday night. We need you to take over your sister’s mission – you have the exact same genetic make up as Outsourced, you’re the only one who can do it. Please! Whitney! Our planet is desperately low on Ratium and we think you may be our only hope of survival. We need to send you to the planet Avatar so you can convince the Avatar tribe to move their Avatars so that we can mine for the Ratium. Please! PLEASE WHITNEY PLEASE!” Whitney’s all like “Yeah whatever dude I’ll do it, I’m always down for a par-tayyy!”

    The next five years of Whitney’s life are spent inside a tiny space ship en route to the planet Avatar… »

  8. Beverly Drive Chihuahua: A Fan Fiction

    “I give you a five minute window. I don’t sit in while you’re running it down, I don’t help you kidnap the dogs, I don’t carry a gun… I drive. ” Ryan Gosling explains to the dognappers while maintaining a meaningful facial expression. Ryan Gosling’s modified super car idles outside of a luxurious Beverly Hills mansion. The dognappers don Sarah Jessica Parker masks and exit the car.

    Ryan Gosling waits intensely.

    One of the thugs returns to the car, tossing a pink handbag in the back seat. “Come on, come on!” Inside the house we hear crashing and yipping. “Come on… I’m going back in for him!” to which Ryan Gosling replies, “You got two minutes.” The thug jumps out of the car and runs back into the house.

    Ryan Gosling hears more yipping and distant sounds of police sirens. The time limit is almost up, and the police are rounding the corner. The dognappers are nowhere in sight. Ryan Gosling floors it! Cool 80s music starts to play!!

    Ryan Gosling calmly weaves in and out of the LA traffic while remaining virtually invisible to the police helicopter’s search lights. He’s able to pull it off because of his enchanted fingerless driving gloves and magic scorpion jacket.

    Suddenly the voice of Drew Barrymore speaks from the back seat, “Hello? What’s going on? Are you my chauffeur? Ew, why am I in a Chevy Impala? I am a chihuahua!” Ryan Gosling swerves the car, exclaiming, “Holy shit a talking dog!”

    Oh my god what happens next? You’d better see! »

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