1. George-Senior-in-Arrested-Development-dream

    “Arrested Development” is George Sr.’s death row fantasy

    Let’s assume the following about Arrested Development:

    Everything from the beginning of the pilot episode till the main act break, when the SEC raids the Bluths’ boat party and arrests George Sr., actually happened.


    From there, George Sr. is rightly convicted of treason (for aiding Saddam Hussein, as revealed in later episodes of the show) and receives a death sentence.

    George Sr. is held prisoner in the awful conditions afforded to an enemy of the United States who is awaiting execution.

    George Sr. is psychologically unprepared for this kind of horror, and suffers a mental breakdown.

    From there the rest of Arrested Development is a fantasy George Sr. plays out in his mind fulltime, to avoid facing his own guilt and his own mortality.


    See ten ways the whole series makes a lot more sense in this scenario. »

  2. 6 Kinds of Holiday Cards We Should Really Stop Giving People

    #1. Religious Cards


    The historic birth of Jesus of Nazareth is nowhere near December 25th and the celebration of Christmas was just an attempt to pander to pagans who were accustomed to having Saturnalia around that time of year. Christmas might as well be a secular holiday. And there’s no shame in that. People like getting stuff, giving stuff, and enjoying each other’s company.

    Chanukah isn’t a major Jewish event, but the psychotic consumer turbine of Christmas managed to suck up this oil-miracle non-event and spit it out as an opportunity for gift-giving one-upmanship (eight days, motherfucker!). And that’s ok too! Generosity should be a secular event.

    So giving someone a religious Christmas card is antagonistic and sucks a lot of the fun out of an otherwise joyful event. There’s no need to loudly proclaim your religiosity on Christmas. If you’re that type of person, chances are everyone already knows your feelings about god-stuff and they’d like one day’s reprieve.

    Next up: ‘Winter’ cards. Winter is not an occasion. »

  3. Who is Mrs. Santa Claus

    The secret, creepy job of Mrs. Claus

    You know Dasher and Dancer, Santa and Jesus, Rudolph and Frosty and Yukon Cornelius. But do you recall any substantial detail about Mrs. Claus at all?

    As the mere default female of the Christmas bunch, Mrs. Claus is vaguely defined and her role in the holiday season seems completely inconsequential. For some reason, Christmas is like the ultimate sausage fest. There are about two dozen different characters associated with the holiday season and almost all of them carry a Y chromosome. I mean, even your average Nativity Scene has more sheep than women.

    The only concrete fact that we know about Mrs. Claus is that she’s Santa’s wife. She has no children, no job and no use for the immortality that was bestowed upon her. Unless she was already immortal to begin with. Or maybe she’s not immortal and Mrs. Claus is just a title given to whomever Santa is exclusively banging at the time. Or maybe she’s just Santa Claus in drag.

    Any one of these scenarios is plausible since we don’t know anything about her. »

  4. Abraham Lincoln impersonator

    Let’s make more Abraham Lincoln movies while we’ve still got time

    Can you believe there have already been two Abraham Lincoln movies out this year? When was the last time Abe made an appearance on the big screen?

    I’m not going to look it up or anything, but I think it was Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, right? Doesn’t he come out at the end and say something like “Party on dudes!” I actually don’t remember. That movie came out when I was like three years old. I remember my parents rented it for me one time when I was maybe seven, but what’s the point of showing any movie to a seven-year-old? They’re not going to remember it, one. And two, do you think a little kid has the attention span necessary to comprehend exactly what’s going on? I still have no idea what that movie was about. I remember there was something about fixing that telephone booth with chewing gum. Maybe I wasn’t the brightest seven-year-old. Or maybe that movie didn’t have the most well-written script.

    But this is all entirely beside the point. There have been two Lincoln movies this year. I can’t think of any other Lincoln movies besides some stoner comedy from twenty years ago. What I’m getting at is, let’s keep going with this before Lincoln mania dies out and we have to wait another four score before it’s hot again.

    So far we’ve had a vampire movie and a serious biopic. I say next up we go for abstract sci-fi… »

  5. It's a Wonderful Life

    The 24 types of Christmas movies you’ll see on TV this year

    When TV shows break for the holiday season, what remains is an entertainment vacuum that is quickly filled up with Christmas movies. From now until 2013, whenever you flip through the channels you’ll come across a wide array of different Christmas movies — some good, some bad and some not even Christmas movies to begin with.

    Here are the 24 types of Christmas movies you’ll inevitably encounter on TV this holiday season, whether you like it or not.

    1. Classic Christmas Movies – The vintage stuff your grandparents like to watch this time of year like White Christmas and Miracle on 34th Street. The standard Christmas movies we’ve been watching for the past umpteen years, where people sing and dance and decide not to kill themselves at the end.

    2. Animated Christmas Specials – Charlie Brown, Frosty the Snowman, the Grinch — the usual crowd. It’s not going to feel like Christmas unless you see them and you’re definitely not going to see them because who the hell even knows when they play that shit anymore. Like 6 PM on a Saturday in November?

    Read about Claymation Christmas specials, and the 21 other kinds of Christmas movie. »

  6. Steve Urkel wizard

    Steve Urkel wasn’t a geek. He was a powerful sorcerer.

    If you were a kid watching Family Matters in the 90’s, you probably never called the show by its proper name. It was common to just lazily refer to the show by the name of its most popular character — Steve Urkel.

    That’s because what started out as an innocuous sitcom about a working class black family living in Chicago was hastily and sloppily retooled to showcase the breakout character of Steve Urkel. However, since Urkel was sort of a one-note geek, the show quickly devolved into some sort of science-fantasy farce featuring clones, transformation chambers, time-travel and evil sentient ventriloquist dummies.

    In fact, the show went so completely over the top with these ridiculous concepts that the viewer can only be left with one logical conclusion.

    Steve Urkel is a damn witch.

    Read how Steve’s most famous inventions are all sorcery. »

  7. candy apple

    What moms really think about razorblades in Halloween apples

    I love a good urban legend. I especially love when an urban legend refuses to die, even though it’s been debunked a thousand times over. The internet has given rebirth to hundreds upon hundreds of legends that died back in the 80s. I know, because my mother sends me a dozen emails a day documenting these lies and rumors as truth.

    A good urban legend starts off as something real, perhaps a mild little incident that took place in a small town. It’s like a game of telephone. One person says “there was a robbery” and before you know it, ten different neighbors are reporting they know someone who knows someone who saw the robbery and it wasn’t just a robbery, it was also a carjacking and by the end of the day four prisoners escaped from the jail, were thrown weapons from a helicopter rented by an accomplice, robbed a jewelry store/Carvel/florist/drug store, kidnapped a teacher, robbed a car with an FBI agent in it and a baby in the back seat, set a house on fire, killed a cop, started the war between Pakistan and India, fixed the 1918 World Series, stole the Stanley Cup and pissed in it, brought down the Roman Empire, dug up Jimmy Hoffa and shot both J.R. and Mr. Burns. This will all be recorded as fact because someone’s neighbor’s sister’s boyfriend’s gym teacher saw it happen.

    So I’m looking forward to the annual Razor Apple scare. »

  8. restaurant Halloween decorations

    Dear restaurants: Stop fugging yourselves up for Halloween

    Restaurants! I want to eat in you! So stop making it hard to do so by dangling cobwebs from the ceiling.

    I’m not against Halloween decorations. But, like, just do them the way you do Christmas decorations, right? Like, still cognizant that people are eating food near them?

    Pumpkins are fine. Skeletons and witches are fine; I’m not thrilled about them but at least they’re out of context enough to be tolerable. They are very clearly decorations.

    But jesus, what’s with the cobwebs? »

  9. lindsaylohan

    Famous Lindseys & Lindsays and how I feel about them

    It’s not easy being a Lindsey. In fifth grade I tried to change the spelling of my name to “Linzy” without anyone noticing, but a teacher soon asked me to “stop handing in homework with the wrong name on it.” In college, a Fresh Direct deliveryman suggested we elope, as his last name was Lindsey and if we wed, I’d be “Lindsey Lindsey.” Don’t think I didn’t heavily consider this option.

    Whenever a Lindsa/ey meets another Lindsa/ey, the first question is: “How do you spell your name?” (If the answer is ANYTHING but “Lindsey” or “Lindsay”, get out of town. I pretty much hate you.) The answer can divide them. In the past, “a” was highly superior to “e”. Maybe because “a” was more popular and more commonly a girl’s name. Now, I’ll argue (with a bias), that us Lindseys are taking over. Why? Have you heard of Lindsay Lohan?

    Have you? And what about other Lindsa/eys?

  10. dre&1D

    Dr. Dre pens a letter to the boys of One Direction

     October 11, 2012

     Dear Liam, Louis, Niall, Harry and of course Zayn,

     Hey guys! How are you all doing? We’ve never met, or anything like that, and honestly, I’m not as familiar with your music as I’d like to be. But my kids love you! My daughter, Truly — she’s 11 — she has a poster of Niall hanging over her bed, and she already has a ticket to your show in Los Angeles NEXT AUGUST! That’s so far away, but she told me that she already knows what she’s going to wear the show! Girls are crazy, right? Ha, ha!

    …Look. Let’s skip the formalities. I’m very familiar with your music. I’m Dr. Dre; I’m familiar with all my contemporaries. I’ve been watching you kids since you were on “X Factor” and I’ve watched you become superstars. Global superstars. And now I have some questions.

    Back when I was a young MC — before the muscles, before Eminem, and way before any of you were alive…

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