After Newt Gingrich’s sweeping victory in NC, Mitt Romney’s status as hair-apparent to the nomination is less certain, especially in light of the Iowa recount that might vindicate Rick Santorum, of all assholes. Now, the candidates move to Florida, home to the complicated politics of old people, rednecks, and some other stereotypes whose members we’d rather not offend right away. Join me and my guests Burt Bradford and Jason Oberholtzer, editor of I Love Charts, as we watch the debate on NBC or on the web and break things down like osteoporosis. Heyoooo! The fun starts at 8:45PM.
“Getting Things Done” is the internet’s favorite productivity system — its rabid devotees have filled the internet with suggestions for implementing it. But it’s complicated as fuck — so complicated its inventor David Allen wrote an entire book about making it work. Yikes.
So if you’ve heard all about it but aren’t sure how it works or don’t want to take the plunge quite yet, we’ve, uh, simplified it for you a bit. It’s the gist of Getting Things Done distilled into three thousand words.
Let me guess. Your shit is a mess and you have no idea where you put that you’re looking for, and quite frankly why are you even looking for it, again? Yeah, that sounds about right these days. Look, don’t feel bad. I get it! I really do. We live in the future, and in the future, everything is complicated and you’ve got a million things going on.
Back in the day, man, you only had to worry about, like, five things: dinner, warmth, shelter, safety and the business, if you know what I mean. Ah, the good ol’ days, amirite?
Now that we’re in the just okay new days, you have to be fucking organized for success – you can’t just go at it all willy-nilly and hope for shit to work out in your favor. I mean, you could do that, but you know that one guy from high school who is really famous? Yeah, he didn’t do that. Don’t believe me? Just, uh… just take a look at your life. Yeah, you know how you’re always like, “Oh shit I have to take care of that thing! Right now! That I forgot about! Or I’m fucked!” or how you have tons of lists just lying around, fucking taunting you? Mmmhmmm.
I’m here to help. We’re going to get your shit back on track, which brings us to the system you’ve heard so goddamn much about. Here’s how to fix that problem for good.
Maybe you’ve flipped on the TV during a Republican debate and thought, “Why the hell are there eight people running for this thing? What’s the deal here?” and maybe you’ve tried to figure out who they all are, but just can’t tell the difference from the 30-second sound bites they keep using to try to impress the same group of people. Don’t worry – we asked Miles Lothe to give us the rundown, and he’s got your back, bros.
After a three week hiatus, the Republican primary debates are back and gathering steam, which means we’re letting our very own Miles Lothe loose once again, and this time he’ll be joined by editor and purveyor of sneers Nick Douglas. Be here at 7:45PM as they set the mood for an 8PM debate – wine and candles optional, but encouraged.
UPDATE: The debate is over, but you can replay all of our coverage at the CoverItLive link below.
Note: This liveblog goes in reverse order, so start and the bottom and work your way up.
WRAP-UP: I’m Miles Lothe, and this has been the Straight Talk Edition liveblog. I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did. Thanks so much for playing along – as always, e-mail me with comments, questions, or to tell me how awesome I am: firstname.lastname@example.org. G’night, everyone.
SUMMARY: Mitt Romney destroyed this debate. He’s been criticized in the past for failing to appeal to the, uh, dumber Republicans, and that’s why everyone thought Perry was a threat – for every sound answer Romney gave, Rick Perry gave an answer that sounded good, like a Texan came up with it.
Of course, now that we know Rick Perry is a blithering idiot, Herman Cain is the new darling, and it couldn’t have come at a worse time for him: right before the economic debate. Mitt Romney put on a fucking clinic tonight on clearly explaining complex economic reasoning, while Herman Cain spent his night in the spotlight telling us some economist in Cleveland – note, he lives in Cleveland, Cain didn’t say he teaches anywhere, or works for any think tank, or even that he has a degree, so this might just be some asshole - says 999 will work, and “The American People” want it.
Since you guys loved the bro-speak version of the Facebook Terms of Service — apparently it was easier to read than the original — we did the same to Apple’s iTunes click-through agreement. There is, no joke, a part about running a nuclear power plant on iTunes.
SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT FOR iTUNES
HEY. HEY YOU. WE KNOW YOU WANT TO JUST CLICK THROUGH AND GET ITUNES INSTALLED SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC AND SHIT, AND REALLY, WHO CAN BLAME YOU? IT’S REALLY EXCELLENT, AND WE WOULDN’T WANT TO WAIT EITHER. YOU’VE MADE A FANTASTIC CHOICE IN SOFTWARE, BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD READ THIS. WHY? BECAUSE YOU’RE AGREEING TO BE BOUND BY THESE RULES. DON’T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT RULES YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO FOLLOW? I WOULD SURE WANT TO KNOW THE RULES. BECAUSE THESE RULES ARE KIND OF FUCKING RIDICULOUS. IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE RULES, JUST DON’T USE THE THING. WE’LL JUST GIVE YOU A REFUND IF YOU TAKE IT BACK TO WHEREVER YOU BOUGHT IT, OR ELSE JUST DECLINE IF YOU DOWNLOADED IT. BUT YOU’D HAVE TO READ THE RULES FIRST. SO. GET ON THAT.
The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). We also translated the iTunes clickthrough agreement. Everything from here on out is from Facebook. Kinda.
We use English, bitches. Yeah, we translated it for some of you, but if the translation says anything different at all, English rules. So if you’re not reading this in English, technically none of it matters. Just FYI. Also, you foreigners should check out section 16, fucking stat.
We last fucked with this: April 26, 2011.
Statement of Rights and Responsibilities
All these rules are based on some other rules we have that aren’t really rules so much as guidelines. These rules, though, are the real rules, and they say what you can and can’t do on Facebook, and what we can and can’t do with your shit. We treat your use of Facebook exactly like college athletes treat silence – consent, motherfuckers.
The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). You can also read the whole thing on one page. Everything below is from Facebook. Kinda.
- We can change any of these rules as long as we let you know, and give you a chance to comment on the change. We’ll give you a heads up over on this page, as long as you become a fan. And really, who isn’t a fan of Facebook Site Governance?
- Okay, look. Some of these sections really are important. Sections 7, 8, 9, and 11 involve money, for example, so we’ll give you a minimum of three days’ notice. For all other changes we will give you a minimum of seven days’ notice. Why would we give you more notice for the shit that doesn’t involve money changing hands? C’mon. Think about it. You know why.
- Facebook is all about you! So if 7,000 of you people complain about a proposed change, then we’ll let you vote on what we should do instead, even though we come up with the alternatives we propose to you, and they might all suck even more. Does that vote even matter? Absolutely! As long as you get 30% of active users to vote. So, just, uh, round up 210 billion of your closest friends and get them involved!
- Obviously, if we’re making changes for legal reasons, or because it makes it easier for us to administrate, we don’t have to tell you shit. We’re not going to put it to a fucking vote every time our lawyers are like, “Hey guys, I think this comma should go over there.” We know you, Internet; you’re fucking terrible about commas.
The Facebook Terms of Service is a bitch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). You can read it all on one page. Everything below is from Facebook. Kinda.
9. Special Provisions Applicable to Developers/Operators of Applications and Websites
If you run a website or a Facebook Application, then holy shit do we have some motherfucking rules for you! We’ve got more rules here than you could shake a stick at. You’d think, because we published two other documents listing a bunch of new rules, that’d be it. But you’d be mistaken. We also have more rules here. We just… you guys, we fucking love rules.