Slacktory

Ask an Evil Genie

  1. Ask an Evil Genie - penguin

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish for a Penguin

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    16-145B wishes: I wish my roommate would let me adopt a penguin.

    The Evil Genie replies: You have a penguin in your home! He’s small and formal and black and white and wonderful all over. He’s adorable, with the marching and the flapping of his nonwings and the general peguinity of him.

    You ask your landlord to lower the thermostat in your apartment to freezing, which he strangely agrees to, and you bundle up in what will now be semi-permanent winter gear. You set up your penguin, who you have named Penrod, in the bathroom. You let the tub overflow, and watch him as he slides on his belly across the icy tile. You invite friends over to watch, and they clap and dance with joy to see his tiny penguin face. Other than persistent frostbite, you have never been happier.

    As the days turn into weeks, the allure of having a penguin in the apartment begins to fade ever so slightly. Aside from your hacking cough and inability to shower, you have found that having a new roommate changes the dynamic in your apartment. While your human roommate, who, for the purposes of this post, we will call Katie, was not initially ultra-jazzed about having a fish-bird hybrid for a roommate, she has bonded with Penrod strongly, and you often find yourself the odd man out. They stay up late into the night whispering secrets, and you are left to sit outside the bathroom door and eavesdrop.

    Penrod is also a terrible roommate… »

  2. Girl covered in hair

    Ask an Evil Genie: Painlessly Remove My Pubes

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    TS wishes: Dear Evil Genie, I wish I could remove all my hair, you know, down there, without any of the pain. k, thanks.

    Evil Genie replies: You’ll have to excuse me, as genies lack a down there to remove hair from, but I’m assuming you mean you’d like to eradicate the fuzz on some kind of human genitals? Probably a vagina, as is the cultural norm? Is this correct? I was terribly close to scalping everyone in Australia, so I hope we’re on the same page now.

    DONE. All of the hair “down there” has been removed without even the slightest twinge of pain, forever. Solved? Not quite. Sure, the hair wafts down from your nether regions without the socially uncomfortable, blinding yank of waxing or the warty, angry ingrown hairs of shaving or the whatever-it-is feeling of those mysterious foams and gels that they sell on late night TV, but there is no relief. I think I wanted the word “burning”, for the gels.

    Save your face and a demurely triangular area on your pubis, your entire body is coated in thick, curly, tightly wound hair… »

  3. Man in suit - let's get you laid

    Ask an Evil Genie: Get Me Laid

    ec wishes: dear evil genie, can you get me laid? it has binawhile

    Evil Genie replies: A darkly handsome man wearing a well-cut black suit picks you up in one swift motion and lays you out on a velvety cushion. He forces your hands to your sides and holds you there. You let him control you, doing what he pleases with your flesh, moving you to his whims and desires. You silently and thoughtlessly obey his every push and pull. He secures you, and you can’t move a muscle. Your entire body is rigid in anticipation of what is to come.

    “Don’t move,” he says, and laughs a little.

    As you lie still, he lavishes you with attention, tending to every inch of your body… »

  4. Wigs on mannequin heads

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish My Hair Was Perfect

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    snros wishes: I wish my hair was always perfect!

    Evil Genie replies: Not a strand falls out of place. You have no flyaways, no frizz, no weird oily patch near your hairline. Your ends are never split and your bangs are just the right length. The cut is classic and timeless and current and interesting and unique all at once. Your hair is everything you’ve ever wanted it to be.

    Now, you no longer worry that you wash your hair too much, because you heard that that was bad to do, but you also don’t have to worry that you wash your hair too little, because what if you run into your crush with third-day head? He probably doesn’t want to hear a long explanation about the long-term dangers of shampoo buildup, but that would not stop you from giving it to him. But there is no need to worry — ever! at all! — because your mane is luxurious and beautiful and also the sum total of everything you are. Because you’re a wig!

    Yes, more than disembodied, you are disemscalped… »

  5. Beach people go whoa

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Want to Look Rockin’ in a Bathing Suit

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    S! wishes: I want to look rockin in a bathing suit this summer!

    The Evil Genie replies: When you get to the beach club, EVERYONE stares. As you walk down the sand, heads turn. Men, women, children: no one can look away from your body. You move slowly, deliberately, letting the sun shine on your frame, letting the beachcombers drink you in. Mouths are agog, gasps are audible, eyes are protruding dangerously from skulls. Little boys stare at your chest and ask their mothers what “those” are. You find your perfect spot to settle in, and a handsome lifeguard rushes over to you.

    “Ma’am,” he says in southern, gentlemanly way, “Do you need any assistance? Shade? Sunblock? A cover-up? The winds down by the water can get pretty strong, and sometimes at high tide the waves can make their way up this far and I would hate to see you endangered in any way.”

    You giggle girlishly, then cough hackingly… »

  6. Jeannie the Genie

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish for a Nice Genie

    Kelly F wishes: Dear Evil Genie, please give me a nice genie to grant my wishes. Love Kelly F.

    The Evil Genie replies: The complicated thing about that is that there are no nice genies. You know the old Djinn saying: “Absolamp power corrupts absolamply.” But a wish is a wish! So boom, you have a nice genie to grant your wishes.

    Your genie isn’t actually magic or culturally Djinn, but she is a sweet, diligent woman named Jeannie who is ready to help. How is she qualified? At 48, she is the proud mother of two fine and upstanding young men, but she has decided it’s time to get back to work. Her biggest inspiration is the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and so she answered a Craigslist Ad (her oldest showed her the site, he’s a wiz with computers) requesting a Genie to help make dreams a reality. “I’m a Jeannie!” she laughed. Her son rolled his eyes. She may or may not have expected you to be a child with cancer.  Jeannie shows up at your doorstep with a big clipboard and a spring in her step.

    “Hi Kel Farbs,” she chirps, “How can I make your dreams a reality?”

    “Hi,” you say, surprised to see her standing there with two real legs and no lamp in sight. You plow ahead anyways. “My first wish is for two hundred billion dollars, tax free.”

    Jeannie pales a little bit. She hadn’t anticipated such an extravagant wish. »

  7. Louvrehan

    Ask an Evil Genie: Fix Lindsay Lohan

    L wishes: My one true wish is that Lindsay Lohan gets better and the world loves her again.

    Genie answers: Sometimes, to make these wishes happen, I have to make some new science. I have to create something that isn’t just fly-by-night magic, but is sound and structural and a part of the fabric of the universe — something that will keep running long after I’ve stopped paying attention, which is immediately. This is how photosynthesis came to be, and also inertia. For this incredibly complicated wish, I’ve created the theory of reLiLotivity.

    Better is a relative term, and changing Lindsay Lohan has proven to be impossible time and time again (Jane Fonda failed!), so there is only one solution: we’re going to have to worsen up everyone on the planet to meet Lindsay’s standards.

    Now, all mankind has the education level of a bratty child with an on-set tutor, the wrongheaded self-seriousness of a woman who believed a guest-spot on Ugly Betty could constitute a comeback, and the morals of a person raised by Dina and Michael Lohan. PARTY!

    After President Obama makes the State of the Union into a drinking game… »

  8. nemesis

    Ask an Evil Genie: Dispose of My Nemesis

    Joylovestheinternet wishes: Hello genie! Can you please help rid me of my work nemesis without causing any negative backlash on my career, personal life or those I love? THANKS

    Evil Genie replies: No problem! Your work nemesis comes in tomorrow, and quits in a spectacular fashion. Screaming, stomping, crying — no one is impressed. On her way out, she stops you. She says she is leaving for good and good riddance and you say she is leaving for GREAT and GREAT riddance and then she leaves, never to set eyes on you again.

    The next morning, your work husband asks if you have seen the news. You tell him that unless the news is that you have a celebratory, ding-dong-the-bitch-is-dead wine hangover and your eyelids are made of swelling, then no, you have not seen the news. He tells you to go to CNN.com or the Times or, hell, anywhere, and you glare at him through puffy, slitty hangover eyes, but do as he says.

    And there she is. Standing proud, looking acres better than you’ve ever seen her look, holding hands with Prince Harry. “Britain’s New Sweetheart!” the headline screams. “Does Harry’s new fiancée make Kate look dated?” So, at least you know where to send her stray mail.

    For the next few weeks, your former enemy is everywhere… »

  9. mermaid purse

    Ask an Evil Genie: The Perfect Man-purse

    Mermaid Purse wishes: Hi djinni! Can you please give me the perfect bag? I am a man, so while it’s not a purse, it’s totally a purse.

    Genie answers: Your purse is beauuuuuuuuuuuutiful. I mean, very handsome, because you are a man. It has all the space you need and the leather is smooth and shiny and this lovely forest green color, which is very masculine indeed, don’t worry, and there is a space for your iPhone and a space for your Blackberry and a space for your granola bar and a place for your keys and a little pocket for your compact mirror hunting knife and the zippers are zippy and the snaps are snappy and oh, you are just in ultra-butch heaven. You show your new carryall off to everyone: friends and family and co-workers and store clerks and delivery guys and strangers in bars and strangers in cars and an astrologist and a nice lady at the supermarket and your cousin who works for PETA and what, is there a problem?

    Your perfect bag, as it turns out, is made from… do you want to guess? »

  10. apple core and Greenpeace solicitor

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish to Shape-shift!

    pomo post-its wishes: I wish for the ability to shape-shift.

    The Evil Genie replies: You’re a shapeshifter! What an unbelievable power! You could be anyone or anything at any time! Poof! You’re a lizard! Poof! You’re Patricia Heaton, star of ABC’s The Middle! Poof! You’re an apple core! Poof! You’re one of those college kids who job it is to stand on the sidewalk soliciting for Children’s International or Greenpeace or whatever! Poof! You’re Billy the bookcase from IKEA!

    Why are you changing so fast, and into things that aren’t particularly advantageous or, you know, cool? »

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