Slacktory

Advice

  1. Jeff Goldblum thinks

    Jeff Goldblum, Advice Columnist

    Please welcome Slacktory’s newest advice columnist, actor and universe-fetishist Jeff Goldblum.

    What kind of gelato do you eat together on a first date?

    @ElviPatterson on Twitter

    Ah! Ah-ha! Gelato! Yes! This is an important question. But then, oh, yes, every question is important. When-when-when a child asks why is the seafoam green or why…why was I ever even born if life is so meaningless…these aren’t funny questions! These are serious—Oh! Oh yes! Life is important. Your question, even though it seems…it seems…I’m sorry to say, it seems stupid. It’s very stupid. But yes, unless, it’s not stupid! Unless it is important! Life’s important! Life finds a way!

    Read the rest of Jeff Goldblum’s advice. »

  2. Marla on productivity

    Marla the Shitty Advice Columnist: Productivity

    Hey guys I’m back with some advice. Sorry I’ve been MIA…I’ve been out lookin’ for love in all the wrong places again. I tried online dating for the eleventh time and let’s just say I’m still singlin and minglin. I met some really crazy dudes who were only lookin for one thing if you know what I mean and what I mean is they were lookin’ for my vagina.

    Well last time I talked about food and this time I’m talkin about productivity. I answered some new questions and hope that you leave a question about travel for me in the comments section below for next time or else Slacktory will fire me and I won’t be able to pay my cable bill which won’t even matter cuz I steal cable from my neighbors so take that Slacktory lol jk.

    Dear Marla,

    Why can’t I ever pay attention when I watch movies?

    Sincerely,
    That Person That Always Asks Questions During Movies

    See Marla’s answer, and four more questions. »

  3. advice

    Extraordinary Advice: The Advice Column for Questions No One Ever Asks

    Dear EA,
    I was putting on my makeup this morning and I accidentally fell through the mirror glass into another dimension. That’s totally fine, over the last ten hours I’ve come to accept that and make peace with it. I mean, look what it did for The Black Eyed Peas. But the problem is, when I was falling I wasn’t able to grab any of my make-up. Do you have any advice on where to get hopefully inexpensive — I don’t have a job here or know if they have a monetary system — make-up quickly in an alternate dimension?
    Sincerely,
    NakedfacedinXdimension

    Dear NakedfacedinXdimension,

    First of all don’t blame yourself… »

  4. White people with black friends

    Yo, Is This Racist?: I Totally Have White Friends

    I started a website called Yo, Is This Racist?, where (almost exclusively white) people can write in and get my extremely ill-informed opinion about whether or not something is racist. Now I’m an expert on this shit.

    Lately, racists have been really worked up about making sure people know they are friends with, and have interest in, people of color. Maybe it was watching Mitt Romney quote “Who Let the Dogs Out”. Maybe it was The Help. Maybe racists are really trying to better themselves haha no.

    Read three questions about ethnic friends. »

  5. Marla #5 Title

    Marla the Shitty Advice Columnist: Food and Cooking

    We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but Marla was all we could afford. Also see her advice about datingfamilyhousehold hints and neighbors.

    Thanks for all your questions from last time about cooking and food! After you read the answers, please ask Marla your questions about productivity.

    Dear Marla,

    Since the holidays are here, can you please suggest a good pair of pants with an elastic waist band? This problem happens every year…I can’t clear my plate, because I always pop my jeans.

    Thanks!
    Mary

    Marla: ‘Ur gonna want to shop in the preggo section at walmart.’ »

  6. Title Pic Marla #4

    Marla the Shitty Advice Columnist: Dealing With Neighbors

    We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but Marla was all we could afford. Also see her advice about datingfamily and household hints.

    Thanks for all your questions from last time about neighbors! After you read the answers, please ask Marla your questions about cooking and food.

    Dear Marla,

    I have a problem with my neighbor’s dog. The damn thing barks all day long. It even wakes up my baby and baby mama. What can I do? I’m afraid if I kill it my neighbors will burn my house down. Help!

    Sleepless

    Dear Sleepless: I dont approve of hurtin animals but try chocolate. »

  7. Title Pic Marla #3

    Marla the Shitty Advice Columnist: Household Hints

    We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but Marla was all we could afford. Also see her advice about dating and family. Thanks for all your questions about household hints! We apologize in advance for Marla’s answers.

    Dear Marla,

    I am having a centipede problem in my house. Can you tell me how to get rid of them?

    Sincerely,
    Bugged-Out
    I hope ur not talkin about human centipedes. »

  8. Title Pic

    Marla the Shitty Advice Columnist: Family

    We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but we’re working on a budget so Marla is all we could afford. Also see her previous advice.

    Dear Marla,

    My friend’s dad cheated on his mom and he’s so depressed. How can I help?

    Sincerely,
    Cheater

    First of all define ‘cheatin’ cuz it has several meanings. »

  9. okcupid

    Marla the Shitty Advice Columnist: Dating Tips

    We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but we’re working on a budget so Marla is all we could afford.

    Dear Marla,

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and it’s been amazing. However, I’ve just been accepted to a veterinary program in Philadelphia, PA, which is pretty far from our home in Atlanta, GA. Working with animals has always been my dream but if I leave, I know this will be the end of us. I know he loves me but he doesn’t show me the support I need and I’m not sure I want to give up my dreams just yet.

    Sincerely,

    Confused, age 33
    Atlanta, GA

    Read Marla’s advice. »

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