Ted Pillow

— 2 posts

Also on Twitter.

  1. Justin Bieber hate on Google Images

    146 views, No comments

    • Find out what the hell a meme is.
    • Lobby YouTube to change their voting mechanism from“Thumbs up/Thumbs down” to “Doesn’t suck dick/Sucks dick.”
    • Personally mediate a settlement to the divisive Eminem/Insane Clown Posse feud.
    • Have sexual intercourse with a robot. Or even a regular person, I guess…in a nutshell, just have sex.
    • Try meth, but know when to stop.

    See the rest of the bucket list. »

  2. tying a tie

    618 views, No comments

    1. Start by placing the tie around your neck so that the wide end hangs down about a foot lower than the narrow end.

    2. Quickly but thoroughly die on the inside. Actually feel your soul draining from your body and dripping out of your pores like sweat.

    3. Next, take the wide end and pull it across the narrow end.

    4. All of the other men in the office wear ties. In fact, it’s specifically mandated in the Employee Handbook under “Dress Code,” subsection “Males.” But the other men’s ties are always nicer than yours; made of finer quality material, comprised of richer hues, featuring repeated arrays of distinguished polo players or exotic animals. These are elegant ties with knots so intricate you wouldn’t even know how to begin replicating them. Your tie looks like the Men’s Department at Target took a shit on your chest.

    5. Breathe deeply. Try to ignore the way your entire chest quavers as you exhale. »

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