Sarah "Laughterkey" Davis
Reddit’s “How angry have you gotten at an inanimate object?” thread makes you want to teach your phone a lesson
My phone has taken to closing out certain apps when I’m in the middle of using them. The other day I was trying to send a short text to a friend, and the window kept closing before I could hit ‘Send’. I tried to make a quick call in lieu of the text, and my phone kept closing the call app. At this point, the message was unimportant. I was enraged. I threw the phone across the room, wishing it would break so I’d be forced to break up with it, but no dice. That asshole is sturdier than a Nokia.
Later that same day I came across this thread, and the joy I felt in realizing I was not alone in my rage can scarcely be put into words. Redditor bongofury posed the question, “What is the angriest you’ve been at an inanimate object and why?”
Here I’ve gathered for you a few of my favorite responses from the thread, but if you have the time be sure to check out the full thing. I could only bring so much of the goodness back with me.
Let’s begin with a tale from Gyaruson:
My wife had this terrible wingback chair that she made me keep around, even though it was hideous and I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to it. Things between my wife and I got rough, and she moved out. Shortly thereafter – before she got all of her stuff – I stubbed my toe on the leg of the chair whilst carrying some stuff to the living room. That, combined with my current mental state regarding the owner of the chair, was the last straw. I took the chair out to our dumpster, and proceed to beat the everloving shit out of it until it was broken into a bunch of tiny splinters and cloth pieces.
Man, that felt good.
I’m not a gamer. My favorite game growing up was Kid Icarus. But I am a connoisseur of absurdist humor, and that’s why I love /r/gamephysics.
The subreddit bills itself as “a subreddit for game physics at its best and worst. This means games with up and coming physics tech and games that are glitching out in hilarious ways.” Boy oh boy do they deliver. People can submit either GIFs or short video clips, and here I have gathered a selection of my favorite GIFs, mainly because these are dramatically enhanced by the automatic loop.
Let’s begin with one of my favorites, submitted by Booona, in which a propane tank explosion is triggered by a cup of coffee:
I sent a text to the wrong person. I accidentally hit the car next to me in the parking lot at the grocery store. I threw a baseball through my neighbor’s window. In short, today I fucked up.
As far as subreddits go, the concept behind this one is simple and to the point. /r/TIFU is a showcase for a shared general experience (fucking up) that also allows for storytelling in that way only Reddit can pull off. We all know the feeling of having fucked up, but you cannot even begin to imagine some of the ways others have gotten themselves there. It makes for some delightful tl;dr’s.
Officically, /r/TIFU refers to itself as:
A community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Let us make each other feel better about ourselves.
I don’t know about the posters, but reading their stories for sure made me feel better about my fuck-ups. Nothing I’ve done in recent memory is quite on this level. Each week the top admissions are compiled into a “Fuck Up of the Week” list. If nothing else it’s nice to know that when it comes to fucking up, you’re the best.
Who hasn’t wanted to change something about their bodies? Be taller, thinner, more flight-capable? Redditor AreYouGoingToTapThat was considering the possibilities, and posed the following question to /r/AskReddit:
What is one modification to the human body that would make us better? What do you think the human body could work better/ more efficiently with? Is it moving the placements of your intestines? Is it an extra heart? What do you think?
Things got a little weird, to say the least, with a lot of thought on how these modifications would affect fapping. Overall, though, the conversation was incredibly on-point and hilarious, and some of my favorite exchanges are featured below. If you have the time, I’d highly encourage you to check out the whole thing.
The top voted request was from dexter277, who had a simple request:
No asshole hair
What Dropbear81 wants is rather practical:
The entire female reproductive system is a piece of shit. If I could only change one part of it, I’d like to be more like a marsupial where I give birth to a peanut-sized baby who then lives in my pouch for the next few months, meaning I can check on it whenever I want and let it out to play as necessary. None of this excruciating childbirth rubbish, thanks all the same!
SubsidedSanity sees another potential upside:
That would be so badass, handbags would become obsolete also.
Emohipster sees another:
Also, weird porn.
Early last week a co-worker sent me a video of PSY’s “Gangnam Style” mashed up with the Space Jam theme song. The two tracks work together eerily well, and the result is a song that leaves you struggling to figure out which parts belong to which track.
Later, in an attempt to share the video with another colleague, I googled “Gangnam Style Space Jam Mashup” and discovered that this particular mix was only the tip of the Space Jam iceberg. I had stumbled into /r/comeonandslam, the subreddit “dedicated to any remixes or photoshops that are related to the Space Jam Theme Song by the Quad City DJ’s.” Needless to say, it is absurdly hilarious and engrossing. I spent HOURS listening to this stuff. By the end of the week I was signing emails with “work that body, work that body, make sure you don’t hurt nobody.” Shit’s downright infectious.
It turns out, The Space Jam theme song is the Hydrogen of the music world — it can bond with just about anything. Exhibit A? Ghostslammers, a mix of the Space Jam theme and the Ghostbusters theme.
Stupid romantic gestures are something of a hot topic lately. There was the guy who faked his own death to propose to his girlfriend, and the guy who almost died trying to mail himself to her. While these are obviously extreme cases, the mentality behind them is by no means unique. Redditor blanket_lava asked “Women of Reddit, what is the stupidest thing a guy did to impress you?”
She later clarified a bit, saying, “Not stupidly cute or stupidly sweet, just plain stupid.”
Hazywakeup kicks things off with a real winner:
A few months ago a guy sat across from me on a bus, obviously trying to flash some philosophy book he was reading at me in hopes that I’d comment on it. When I didn’t bite, he came right out with, “You know, I’m technically classified as emotionally disturbed.”
Myuriko felt like she was watching Planet Earth:
Started talking about salsa dancing and really playing up his Latino heritage. When he started shuffling around to show me his moves (I did not ask him to, he just started dancing) I felt like I was on some nature channel documentary.
David Attenborough, whispering, “The male specimen begins his courtship ritual with braggadocio based on racial stereotyping, in an attempt to emphasize his sexual prowess. And now the mating dance begins… No.. No, she’s not buying it. He will return to the herd, unsuccessful, for today.”
The internet overhypes everything. You can only hear the AMAZING MUST-SEE WILL RESTORE YOUR FAITH IN HUMANITY sales pitch so many times before you start to hate the thing in question just on principle. Not everything needs to be “the best ever” to be properly appreciated.
The more than 40,000 subscribers at /r/MildlyInteresting know this all too well. They are champions at finding the small things in life and letting them stand on the their own merits. Described by their moderators as “Mildly interesting stuff. Stuff that interests you. Mildly,” MildlyInteresting is a home for all things that make you go “heh” or “hmm”. You may even find some of its posts underhyped.
We’ve collected a few of their best posts from the last week or so to give you a taste of this little subreddit that constantly manages to rise above its mild foundation.
You know the feeling: Dry mouth, splitting headache, sore muscles, general dizziness and nausea. Be grateful for your hangover. If things got seriously weird, you could wake up with something much worse.
Redditor ompalompa911 asked, “What’s the weirdest scenario you have ever woken up to after drinking?” The answers were both astonishing and hilarious, and showed a certain drunken fascination with food and travel. Ompalompa911 gets things started:
One night, I came home from a party. For some reason, I get really hungry when I’m drunk, so I decided to make myself some food. I found a frozen pizza and put it in the oven, on top of a some newspaper to avoid messing up the oven. It seemed pretty logical at that point. I turned around, slicing up some bacon to put on the frozen pizza. I cut myself pretty badly while doing this, but I didn’t notice. I heard a sound, so I turned around. It’s the paper in the oven, burning. This is all I can remember.
I wake up to my mom shouting. I’m on the floor of my kitchen. Around me is what looks like some sort of satanic food-ritual. There are ashes and blood in a circle around me. I had seemingly tried to put out the burning paper with my bleeding hands. Bacon and a halfway-done frozen pizza are formed to some sort of a mattress under me, and for some reason my pants are halfway down my legs.
The_dayman found his nemesis:
I once woke up with a girl I didn’t know and two of my fingers were broken. I didn’t ask her name and just dropped her off, so I’ll never really know what happened. A month later I woke up with her again and had to go to the hospital because my foot was still bleeding. Still don’t know her name, but she may be a harbinger of my death.
I can always count on Reddit to be focused on 20 things at once. Many Redditors cannot even sit through a movie without thinking about a multitude of things other than the plot or performance. The things they think about are utterly bizarre, and a little TV Tropes-ish.
Recently KingQajar asked, “What unusual things do you think about during a movie?” He admits:
Always when I watch a movie I think about what the minor characters think in life-threatening situations. Like in Zombieland, when that mother is driving away from a birthday party. What would go through her mind, knowing that her little girl is now a zombie clawing away the windows and that she’s probably going to die a horrible death soon?
Bill_jones is a practical man:
Whenever I see an actor who is excessively unattractive and their role hinges on that unattractive quality, I wonder what the casting call was like.
Role: Extra. Females age 65-90, bald, must not have any teeth, morbid obesity a plus.
Farts are funny. They can make even the strictest teacher giggle, and bring levity to the most depressing of situations. And everyone does it, which means that even when you’re mortified for having ripped one in public, it’s hard to not laugh at yourself. Farts are that good. Louis C.K. sums up the genius of farts rather nicely:
You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you have to be stupid not to.
When redditor murphy1210 asked, “What are the worst or most inappropriate times you have farted?”, everyone stepped up. Many of the responses are pure poetry. I laughed so hard that I farted.
We’ve got the highlights here for you, but if you’ve got the time, be sure to check out the full thread. It’s silly enough to bring you out of the deepest funk.
SubtleNoveltyAcct’s gas defies the laws of physics:
I had to fart once, and I was on an elevator. I did that little ab crunch you do to move it along, and RIGHT before it ripped the doors opened and a half dozen people got on.
At this point, the only thing holding that fart in was force of will and the fact that I have unusually strong buttocks. I had my head tilted back, cords standing out on my neck, tears in my eyes, and I was counting down in my head until we’d hit my floor.
Elevator got stuck. I didn’t know if we’d be stuck five minutes or five hours, but it did NOT matter. I couldn’t hold it another second. We had JUST jerked to a stop, and all the chit chat stopped abruptly as everyone was wondering what was up.
And then, it erupted like a supernova out of my ass. In Sunday School they’d talked about how at the End of Days the angels would blow their trumpets, and God would descend from on high as the sound echoed through the world.
This was louder. By far. Like a shotgun right next to your ear. It actually rocked my body forward as it erupted from me. There was no way to deny it was me as it seemed to actually propel me across the elevator.
Then more silence. Silence, and judgmental stares. I have never felt so hated in all my life. Just utter disgust on every face, contempt for my very existence, it seemed.
Then the elevator started. To this day, I’m fairly sure it was the sheer explosive power of that fart that shot the elevator back into motion.
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