The most ruggedly handsome tortured genius on the internet, Miles Lothe enjoys standup comedy, artisan cheddars, and the later works of Ludwig Wittgenstein and is uncannily good at everything. He can be reached for comment, booking, or lavish praise at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @MilesLothe.
Maybe you’ve flipped on the TV during a Republican debate and thought, “Why the hell are there eight people running for this thing? What’s the deal here?” and maybe you’ve tried to figure out who they all are, but just can’t tell the difference from the 30-second sound bites they keep using to try to impress the same group of people. Don’t worry – we asked Miles Lothe to give us the rundown, and he’s got your back, bros.
After a three week hiatus, the Republican primary debates are back and gathering steam, which means we’re letting our very own Miles Lothe loose once again, and this time he’ll be joined by editor and purveyor of sneers Nick Douglas. Be here at 7:45PM as they set the mood for an 8PM debate – wine and candles optional, but encouraged.
Note: This liveblog goes in reverse order, so start and the bottom and work your way up.
WRAP-UP: I’m Miles Lothe, and this has been the Straight Talk Edition liveblog. I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did. Thanks so much for playing along – as always, e-mail me with comments, questions, or to tell me how awesome I am: email@example.com. G’night, everyone.
SUMMARY: Mitt Romney destroyed this debate. He’s been criticized in the past for failing to appeal to the, uh, dumber Republicans, and that’s why everyone thought Perry was a threat – for every sound answer Romney gave, Rick Perry gave an answer that sounded good, like a Texan came up with it.
Of course, now that we know Rick Perry is a blithering idiot, Herman Cain is the new darling, and it couldn’t have come at a worse time for him: right before the economic debate. Mitt Romney put on a fucking clinic tonight on clearly explaining complex economic reasoning, while Herman Cain spent his night in the spotlight telling us some economist in Cleveland – note, he lives in Cleveland, Cain didn’t say he teaches anywhere, or works for any think tank, or even that he has a degree, so this might just be some asshole - says 999 will work, and “The American People” want it.
To celebrate the release of what one asshole in Minneapolis described as “The Best Action Movie Ever,” we plopped our resident angry person Miles Lothe in front of a fresh copy of Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Here’s a transcription of what ensued.
12:00 – Oh good, Michael Bay has managed to out-racist himself yet again. Right out of the gate we’ve got the old-black-guy-with-crazy-hair Autobot being a nuisance in Sam’s life. Perfect.
There is nothing racially suggestive about this Autobot. Nothing.
For fuckssake, the first time around they explained the accents with, “We learned to talk from the internet.” Are… are there some secret ethnic internets I don’t know about?? Did like half the Autobots dial into the Hispanic internet accidentally? Because there is literally no fucking reason at all for this bullshit. Even Bumblebee, who has to talk through the fucking radio, manages perfectly standard English. Fuck. How goddamn long is this travesty?
TWO AND A HALF HOURS. Are you fucking kidding me? You’re fucking kidding me. Fuck me running, I hate all of you.
Since you guys loved the bro-speak version of the Facebook Terms of Service — apparently it was easier to read than the original — we did the same to Apple’s iTunes click-through agreement. There is, no joke, a part about running a nuclear power plant on iTunes.
SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT FOR iTUNES
HEY. HEY YOU. WE KNOW YOU WANT TO JUST CLICK THROUGH AND GET ITUNES INSTALLED SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC AND SHIT, AND REALLY, WHO CAN BLAME YOU? IT’S REALLY EXCELLENT, AND WE WOULDN’T WANT TO WAIT EITHER. YOU’VE MADE A FANTASTIC CHOICE IN SOFTWARE, BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD READ THIS. WHY? BECAUSE YOU’RE AGREEING TO BE BOUND BY THESE RULES. DON’T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT RULES YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO FOLLOW? I WOULD SURE WANT TO KNOW THE RULES. BECAUSE THESE RULES ARE KIND OF FUCKING RIDICULOUS. IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE RULES, JUST DON’T USE THE THING. WE’LL JUST GIVE YOU A REFUND IF YOU TAKE IT BACK TO WHEREVER YOU BOUGHT IT, OR ELSE JUST DECLINE IF YOU DOWNLOADED IT. BUT YOU’D HAVE TO READ THE RULES FIRST. SO. GET ON THAT.
We use English, bitches. Yeah, we translated it for some of you, but if the translation says anything different at all, English rules. So if you’re not reading this in English, technically none of it matters. Just FYI. Also, you foreigners should check out section 16, fucking stat.
We last fucked with this: April 26, 2011.
Statement of Rights and Responsibilities
All these rules are based on some other rules we have that aren’t really rules so much as guidelines. These rules, though, are the real rules, and they say what you can and can’t do on Facebook, and what we can and can’t do with your shit. We treat your use of Facebook exactly like college athletes treat silence – consent, motherfuckers.
We can change any of these rules as long as we let you know, and give you a chance to comment on the change. We’ll give you a heads up over on this page, as long as you become a fan. And really, who isn’t a fan of Facebook Site Governance?
Okay, look. Some of these sections really are important. Sections 7, 8, 9, and 11 involve money, for example, so we’ll give you a minimum of three days’ notice. For all other changes we will give you a minimum of seven days’ notice. Why would we give you more notice for the shit that doesn’t involve money changing hands? C’mon. Think about it. You know why.
Facebook is all about you! So if 7,000 of you people complain about a proposed change, then we’ll let you vote on what we should do instead, even though we come up with the alternatives we propose to you, and they might all suck even more. Does that vote even matter? Absolutely! As long as you get 30% of active users to vote. So, just, uh, round up 210 billion of your closest friends and get them involved!
Obviously, if we’re making changes for legal reasons, or because it makes it easier for us to administrate, we don’t have to tell you shit. We’re not going to put it to a fucking vote every time our lawyers are like, “Hey guys, I think this comma should go over there.” We know you, Internet; you’re fucking terrible about commas.
9. Special Provisions Applicable to Developers/Operators of Applications and Websites
If you run a website or a Facebook Application, then holy shit do we have some motherfucking rules for you! We’ve got more rules here than you could shake a stick at. You’d think, because we published twoother documents listing a bunch of new rules, that’d be it. But you’d be mistaken. We also have more rules here. We just… you guys, we fucking love rules.
People on here use their real names and information, which is the whole fucking point of Facebook, and we’d like to keep it that way. So when you sign up, here’s what you can and can’t do so we know that you’re who you say you are.