The most ruggedly handsome tortured genius on the internet, Miles Lothe enjoys standup comedy, artisan cheddars, and the later works of Ludwig Wittgenstein and is uncannily good at everything. He can be reached for comment, booking, or lavish praise at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @MilesLothe.
After delaying the Republican National Convention (RNC) to avoid damage from Not a Climate Change Event Isaac, the Republican National Committee (for some stupid reason, also RNC) has released a highly compressed schedule for the RNC (Convention, not Committee). In response, we here at Slacktory have compiled a helpful guide to the most important parts of the Convention so you can catch all your favorite Republicans!
Tuesday Aug. 28, 2012
4:00 PM – Roll Call for Nomination of President of the United States
The delegates from each state will be called in alphabetical order to submit their vote for the Republican nominee. Listen closely for the sound of Ron Paul devotees’ outlandish scenarios and ludicrous hopes being dashed against the rocks of political reality. This is the primary business of the convention! This is why we’re here, and it’s like the third thing they do on day one. For some reason, no one goes home after this.
Often the funny is the unexpected. Louis C.K. makes us laugh with his surprising honesty; we’ve all had the thought that four year-olds are fucking idiots, but we didn’t expect anyone to say it, and now that someone has, we rather enjoy it. We laugh at slapstick because in order to function from day-to-day, we form the entirely reasonable expectation that people know how to fucking walk, for chrissake. When a grown-ass man kicks a crack in the sidewalk and goes tumbling forward, that shit is hilarious. And so on. As creatures of habit, our expectations and norms come in all sorts of forms about all kinds of topics that can be toyed with or reversed in myriad ways, which is why so much can be funny.
What counts as an expectation is subtle and depends on plenty of factors, but since norms and expectations vary so widely among individuals and even groups of individuals, humor is largely subjective, a matter of personal preference. The difference between ‘funny to me’ (how the word ‘duty’ sounds like ‘doody’ every single time I say it) and just ‘funny’ (Steve Martin, for example) is mostly a function of overlapping preferences and shared expectations; there will always be sticks in the mud who insist that a dog on a telephone isn’t funny, but enough of us agree that they’re wrong to say it’s objectively hilarious.
Today the Supreme Court issued a landmark blah blah blah what the fuck happened this morning in DC?
Basically, the Court answered four questions.
1. Can people sue the government over the healthcare mandate yet?
This is important because way back in 1789, Congress passed a law called the Anti-Injunction Act (AIA) saying you can’t challenge a tax before you’ve paid it — you have to pay it, and then sue for a refund. That was to prevent people from tying up the government in court all the time with frivolous lawsuits to buy more time. It’s like, “Fuck, I don’t have the money yet. OH I KNOW. I’ll sue the government, saying the tax is illegal, because it takes like decades for shit like that to resolve, and in the meantime no one will have to pay! I’LL BE A HERO.” Can’t do that. Instead, you have to decide that it’s worth your time to go and get the money back in a court battle.
If the healthcare mandate falls under the AIA, then this suit has to wait all the way until 20-fuck-15, when people start paying it. However, the court ruled that the healthcare mandate does not fall under the AIA, because Congress didn’t call it a tax. This is really important — Congress didn’t call it a tax, so it doesn’t count, because the AIA only applies to things that Congress calls taxes.
2. Is the Individual Mandate to buy health insurance constitutional?
Objective: To secure a mid-level management position with opportunities for advancement. To contribute to the success of a fast-growing, forward-looking company by managing a team of self-starting go-getters on important projects.
Rushed Delta Upsilon Fraternity (did not get bid)
Granted ‘Overachiever’ Achievement by Microsoft Corp. XBL (Modern Warfare 3)
Tallahassee Community College – Tallahassee, Florida
Major: Communications Graduation Date: May 22nd, 2012 (hopefully)
Google is useful as fuck. You can find things, share things, make things, whatever. When you tell us shit about you, we make it even easier for you to do things with our things. Who doesn’t want that? So we want you to know what exactly we do with the shit you tell us, so you don’t accidentally tell us some embarrassing shit.
What we want to know and why.
What we do with it once we know it.
What you can and can’t tell us, and how to edit and update what you’ve already told us.
We’ve worked really, really hard to dumb it down, but quite frankly this is the internet. So if you don’t know what a cookie is, or that you’re using a browser, you should probably do some fucking research, because we’re not trying to teach “Things you should learn in 2003″ here. We’re, uh, we’re from the future here at Google. Really learn this shit, and then let us know if you have questions, except questions that we’ve already answered. Those are the worst.
Thanks for using our Services. We love it when you use our Services! In case you’re wondering, the magic happens at 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, CA 94043, United States.
Oh, hey, by the way, since you’re using out Services, you’ve already agreed to some rules. Which rules? These rules! So read them. We want you to know the rules, obviously, because if you break them, you’re fucked whether or not you’ve read them.
Our shit does practically everything. Seriously man, it’s really fucking incredible how much you can do with Google, and sometimes we have extra rules for our most powerful stuff. You can find those rules in those places. Follow the rules, or else don’t play with our toys — that seems straightforward, no?
After Newt Gingrich’s sweeping victory in NC, Mitt Romney’s status as hair-apparent to the nomination is less certain, especially in light of the Iowa recount that might vindicate Rick Santorum, of all assholes. Now, the candidates move to Florida, home to the complicated politics of old people, rednecks, and some other stereotypes whose members we’d rather not offend right away. Join me and my guests Burt Bradford and Jason Oberholtzer, editor of I Love Charts, as we watch the debate on NBC or on the web and break things down like osteoporosis. Heyoooo! The fun starts at 8:45PM.
As the campaigns pick up speed, it’s getting harder and harder to keep track of who is telling the truth and who is blatantly making shit up. Our most important goal here at Slacktory is to keep you informed, I went on a fact-finding expedition to dig into some of the most controversial claims made by each candidate. This is what I dug up.
Claim: Recently, Mitt Romney said that he created 100,000 jobs while in the private sector with Bain capital. Reality: Not all of those jobs were directly related to his time at Bain. For example, about 5000 of those jobs were related in some way to the upkeep of Mitt Romney’s hair, including a team of Professional Temple Grayers imported from Sweden. Another 1000 of those jobs were just his wives that he put on the payroll.
After the Family Forum’s ridiculous hugfest of a debate, I’ve finally come up with an explanation of the candidates sufficiently in keeping with the ongoing Republican theme of being caricatures. What follows is that explanation.
“Getting Things Done” is the internet’s favorite productivity system — its rabid devotees have filled the internet with suggestions for implementing it. But it’s complicated as fuck — so complicated its inventor David Allen wrote an entire book about making it work. Yikes.
So if you’ve heard all about it but aren’t sure how it works or don’t want to take the plunge quite yet, we’ve, uh, simplified it for you a bit. It’s the gist of Getting Things Done distilled into three thousand words.
Let me guess. Your shit is a mess and you have no idea where you put that you’re looking for, and quite frankly why are you even looking for it, again? Yeah, that sounds about right these days. Look, don’t feel bad. I get it! I really do. We live in the future, and in the future, everything is complicated and you’ve got a million things going on.
Back in the day, man, you only had to worry about, like, five things: dinner, warmth, shelter, safety and the business, if you know what I mean. Ah, the good ol’ days, amirite?
Now that we’re in the just okay new days, you have to be fucking organized for success – you can’t just go at it all willy-nilly and hope for shit to work out in your favor. I mean, you could do that, but you know that one guy from high school who is really famous? Yeah, he didn’t do that. Don’t believe me? Just, uh… just take a look at your life. Yeah, you know how you’re always like, “Oh shit I have to take care of that thing! Right now! That I forgot about! Or I’m fucked!” or how you have tons of lists just lying around, fucking taunting you? Mmmhmmm.
I’m here to help. We’re going to get your shit back on track, which brings us to the system you’ve heard so goddamn much about. Here’s how to fix that problem for good.