“Before He Cheats”
(A statement from Oklahoma 9th Judicial Circuit Court, the Hon. Lindsay R. Stapleton presiding)
Right now, you’re probably wishing that you could shoot a little whiskey. Right now, you’re probably thinking your ditty was much too risky. Right now, you’re probably hoping that the Court rules for you or that he won’t show.
Oh, yes. I know.
But Miss Underwood, the fact remains that when you “dug your key” into the side of “his pretty little souped-up 4-wheel drive,” you engaged in an act of vandalism as the pickup truck is obviously valued at more than the $400 required for this felony charge. Guilt is clear in this case. We turn now to a punishment that fits the crime.
My wife drove back to Iowa with our dog for two weeks to see her family, leaving me to fend for myself. I kept an activity log of my time for posterity’s sake.
DAY 1: Saw rest of party off to new adventure. Manning homestead solo now. Supplies are in good shape. Spirits high, if a little tired. Unsure where this clean serving dish goes. Made friends with 3 bugs, all of which are dead now. Haven’t worn pants since 11 am.
DAY 3: Spilled beer on a pillowcase and tossed it in a corner for “later” (unsure what that even means anymore). Have taken up permanent residence on the couch, effectively shutting off the second floor altogether. Woke up in hot sweat, glued to leather couch. Thermostat has now learned its lesson. Spirits remain high.