Mallory Ortberg

— 4 posts

Mallory Ortberg is a writer living in the Bay Area. She also writes here and here.

  1. Spider-World-spider-says-hi

    1685 views, No comments

    World of Spiders


    Welcome to the World of Spiders, a world where friendly spiders of all shapes and sizes are ready to help you out with everyday tasks. No job too big or too small for any of these spiders! They’re ready to help in any way they can – some might even show up in surprising places when you least expect it. No thanks necessary! It’s all just business as usual in the World of Spiders.

    World of Spiders: spider seatbelt

    Instead of a seatbelt to strap you in every morning, a cheerful Giant Huntsman Spider waits embedded in the back of your car seat. When it feels you sit down, it slowly unfurls its legs and coils them around you, keeping you safe and keeping you close. Just don’t come to any sudden stops!

    See the rest of the World of Spiders. »

  2. Drunk Harry Potter

    8817 views, 4 comments

    Drunk Harry Potter


    “I can honestly say I never drank at work on ‘Harry Potter.’ I went into work still drunk, but I never drank at work. I can point to many scenes where I’m just gone. Dead behind the eyes,” Daniel Radcliffe recently admitted in an interview. But which scenes? We bring you an investigative report.

    Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

    “You’re a Parselmouth? Why didn’t you tell us?”

    “I’m a what?”

    “You can talk to snakes!”

    “Course I talk to snakes. Fucking of course. I’ll talk to a snake anytime. Morning time. Dinner time. Always talking to snakes. Know why I didn’t tell you? None of your fucking business is why I never. None of your business, Herminone. Herrrrrrrman. Hermes.”

    “I didn’t—”


    “But if—”

    “Bring me a snake right now. I’ll talk to it. I don’t care. Some of my best friends, snakes. I don’t even care.”

    “It’s not a very common gift, Harry. This is bad.”

    “I don’t…I don’t even care. [muffled crying] I love snakes. I love them.”

    “What…what did you say to it before it attacked Justin?”

    “I love them.”

    Read four more scenes. »

  3. Bar fight

    2730 views, 5 comments

    I hope you’re ready to waste the next two hours by repeatedly refreshing the profile page of an acquaintance from college or distant relative! Are you absolutely positive that this is the path you want your life to take? There are so many other things you could do with that time, and it doesn’t have to be grand or ambitious. You don’t even have to go outside or anything. You could just rewatch Party Down or something. But if you’re truly determined, here are a few tips that may prove helpful:

    9. Remember to compare your opponent’s God(s) to any one of the following: Santa Claus, elves, “sky fairies,” Hitler (when is a comparison to Hitler notnecessary?), the current leader of your least favorite political party, pedophiles, Satan.

    But DO NOT follow that rule without following the other 8! »

  4. Brazil mailroom

    1739 views, 3 comments

    So you’re going to clean out your email inbox. To what end? Say that you do. Then what? Take a picture of the zero and frame it? Close your laptop, move on with your life, and spend more time with the people you love? Don’t be absurd. This pointless exercise will net you only the faintest and most illusory sense of control over your own life. But you insist, confident that it will bring you peace of mind and the luxury of a guiltless moment. Fine.

    Let’s see what cropped up just since you started this. »

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