A man’s home is his castle. My current home is a teeny-tiny apartment in Brooklyn that I share with two jazz musician roommates, an army of millipedes, a few families of mice and I think once I saw a seagull. Disgusting, I know, but they refuse to try rock and roll.
This makes my castle kinda the sucky kind of a castle, like those dumb ones made of sand (what are they called again? Dirt-turrets? Mud dungeons? It’ll come to me). Nevertheless it contains my room, where I do most, if not all, of my late-night carousing with loose women. Yeah, late-night carousing sure is great, though I would carouse 24/7 if it were up to me. Wouldn’t we all? Carousing is dope.
Speaking of carousing, as an open-mic comedian who specializes in non-sequitur one-liners and long drawn-out conceptual bits, I’m sure you’ve assumed that I meet my fair share of groupies. Usually the groupies coyly make their intentions known to me by making the first move. Like the the adorable way they trip me from being passed out right there on the sidewalk, although sometimes these groupies are asleep on the floor of the subway when we meet-cute. Oftentimes it takes a little memory jog to find out where they know me from (Is it from my longtime patronage of the Build-A-Bear workshop? Are you one of those hardcore fans who know my earlier work with the Rainforest Cafe?) but they almost always refer to me by my name: Mister.
I’m no stranger to attending a party or two when Super Bowl Sunday rolls around, sometimes even when specifically invited. I’d like to share some essential pointers for pigskin party-goers that I use each year. Allow me to allow YOU to have the best time possible at the party no matter what team you’re rooting for (I usually say the Wisconsin Wieners, but then again, I’m the office cut-up, so…)
First: note where the host’s belfry is. It is most likely the room with the highest population of bats, and you’d be very wise to steer clear of it.
If there are women at the party, be kind and courteous and ask them if they’d care to “have the next waltz.” Don’t be a sucker and miss your chance for a smooch after the big Charleston contest they’re sure to hold during half-time!
Let’s face it, fashionistas. We are in an “ever-changing” world of clothing and style (pun not intended, but pointed out by the Library of Congress, and, admittedly, VERY clever). A world where one finds out something is passé even before they knew it was totally safe and sé to begin with.
In order to navigate these seas of pleats and petticoats, meadows of barrettes and blush, and these jails of ball-and-chains and striped coveralls, guidance must be given. Why not take that guidance from me? After all, I am most qualified. As you recall, I am considered by most to be the “Boston Market” of fashion (i.e “the best, exhibiting the most consistence in quality and standard of excellence” in fashion).
First off, clogs are very “in” this year. However, ATTN: my fashionistas, NOT the shoes.
Girdles are NOT just for the waist anymore! Some of the leaders of the field are beginning to use them as accessories to the thighs, head, and car. (Most notably, those leaders with big, fat thighs, heads and cars.)
Please remember, with this rhyme, to wear a watch to tell the time!
A tip for the corporate fashionista: Lay out your clothes for the workweek, attached to the names of those you wish to impress with each respective outfit. To get you rolling, I suggest “the boss”, “payroll” and “the big boss”.
Attn: Fashionistos: Tuxedos = Succeed-os. Please be wearing one at all times, to avoid insults, complaints (both verbal and e-mailed), and mandatory community-service sentences.
Below are real quotes from the Home Alone novelizations. We’re not kidding, you can fact-check. — Ed.
So we’re all on the same page here, right? We’ve all been in this situation? You’re on a stroll, you see a moldy box of books on the side of the road, and you have yourself a rummage, yeah? Usually the box is full of pre-highlighted textbooks about torts and those supermarket paperbacks where the cover artwork sinisterly depicts, like, a single stiletto heel, dangling over a silver platter serving up a wedding ring with a side of recently-shot handgun. But sometimes one can find a real piece of literature in this urine-soaked excuse for a Barnes and Noble.
Sometimes maybe two.
And, in my case, sometimes even 2: Lost in New York.
That’s right, my latest side-of-the-road finds were the junior novelizations of both Home Alone and its sequel Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
I was eager to see how the authors handled reinterpreting such weighty source material. I soon found that the written-out descriptions of everyone’s favorite booby-trap scenes, rendered so cartoonish and light hearted in the family holiday films, feature more harrowing grisly violence and pitch black malevolence than an uncatered prison race riot.
The following, in no particular order, are direct excerpts from both of these books. Please read them as though they’re from the first draft of a continuation of the Saw franchise, or from the point of view of someone live-tweeting a snuff film.
Residents of New York, please be advised to be on the lookout for any suspicious criminal activity involving:
The Frowny Downers,
The Hitched Villians,
Their newborn son: Dylan Villain,
to a lesser extent, Benedict Ronald,
Duck Pond Draymond (IT IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE THAT YOU DO NOT ACCOMPANY THIS MAN TO THE DUCK POND), See what other gangs to avoid. »
4/11: The Precious Little Mysteries, Head Full Of Music, and Slaughterhouse Knives at Beanie’s Bar on 28th:
“DIDN’T GO, WAS FIGHTING CRUCIAL BATTLE AT SEA. EMERGED VICTORIOUS, DUE TO MY ATTENDANCE TO THE BATTLE, RATHER THAN THE SHOW AT ‘BEANIE’S BAR’”
4/12: Glow Dome Fights the Blue Cube, Treat-Seekers, and iWinslow at Glitterman & Glitterman’s Wee Pub (the OTHER Glitterman and Glitterman’s Wee Pub, the one with live music)
“NEARLY MISSED FIRST BAND AS PARKING WAS CLOSE TO IMPOSSIBLE (HAD TO DOCK IN NEARBY BONGWATER PUDDLE) WAS STILL IN UNCLEAR HEADSPACE AFTER EMERGENCY NAVAL MEETING RE: OWNERSHIP OF EARTH’S OCEANS. CAN’T DESCRIBE IT. SO MANY HEROS IN ONE ROOM! NETWORKING OPPORTUNITIES WERE ABOUND, AND THE TASK WE SET FORTH TO ACCOMPLISH WAS COMPLETED WITH RELATIVE EASE IN A PROFESSIONAL ENVIRONMENT. COMPARED SWORDS AND SWAPPED SCAR STORIES AFTERWARD. ALSO, THAT MEETING I MENTIONED WENT WELL, TOO!”