The historic birth of Jesus of Nazareth is nowhere near December 25th and the celebration of Christmas was just an attempt to pander to pagans who were accustomed to having Saturnalia around that time of year. Christmas might as well be a secular holiday. And there’s no shame in that. People like getting stuff, giving stuff, and enjoying each other’s company.
Chanukah isn’t a major Jewish event, but the psychotic consumer turbine of Christmas managed to suck up this oil-miracle non-event and spit it out as an opportunity for gift-giving one-upmanship (eight days, motherfucker!). And that’s ok too! Generosity should be a secular event.
So giving someone a religious Christmas card is antagonistic and sucks a lot of the fun out of an otherwise joyful event. There’s no need to loudly proclaim your religiosity on Christmas. If you’re that type of person, chances are everyone already knows your feelings about god-stuff and they’d like one day’s reprieve.
The massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary has pundits on both sides talking about gun laws. Kang screams about limiting availability of guns because they lead to horrible, awful tragedies like this one; Kodos rages about how owning more guns is the only way to stop tragic, awful horrors like this one. And no law gets passed in either direction.
So I—like the feeble arts-college kid I am—thought, instead of having to draft something that gets picked apart by legal experts, why not write a script for potential gun buyers and sellers to follow? You know, just like in telemarketing.
Shop Owner: Hey, good afternoon! Consumer: Hi there. I’d like to buy a gun please. Shop Owner: What were you interested in? Handgun? Rifle? Shotgun? Consumer: Hmm….. Shop Owner: Maybe something a bit more, er, exotic? Consumer: No no, I think a simple handgun will do. Shop Owner: Do you have an idea of what you’d be using it for? Consumer: Oh, “home defense”, of course. Shop Owner: *while loading 9mm Glock* Well this is the one they give to most police officers. It’s small but has enough stopping power to get the point across, if you know what I mean. Consumer: Haha, yeah I think I catch your drift. Shop Owner: So you’re decided? Consumer: Yup! Looks good! Shop Owner:*fires gun into consumers leg* Read the rest of the exchange. »
Finn the Human, Adventure Time co-hero with Jake the Dog, has an intense “Bill and Ted”-style exclamatory vocabulary. It’s not “LOL random” — it follows certain rules of portmanteau, euphemisms, and droll self-awareness of self-actualization. Our video editor Bryan Menegus collected all his best shouts in this original Slacktory supercut.
Until a few weeks ago I thought SpongeBog SquarePants was this vapid kids-only show with no “alt” value, and completely missed its subversive and legitimately hilarious aspects. I could see someone making the same mistake here, if they weren’t aware of Adventure Time‘s long-term satire of children’s shows and development into a mystical art piece. But anyway, let’s watch Finn shout some stuff.
Here’s a weird but totally factual statement: Because of the weather, I didn’t have a job last week. As someone who A) relies entirely on the internet for income and b) was among those who lost electricity because of Tropical Post-Rock Hurricane Sandy, I had a whole lot of time to be alone with my thoughts — a pastime everyone pretty much hates.
In the interest of beating back any nagging memories of embarrassment and wrongdoing, I resorted to the only form of entertainment that works when everything fun is broken: board games. This is how they’ve held up since my childhood.
Pros: It’s a war game that doesn’t require almost any tactical strategy whatsoever.
Cons: I lost a bunch of the pieces (see: tried melting them, then threw them out) since the last time I wanted to play Battleship, putting me at a disadvantage that simulated actual warfare. Chalk it up to variant defense spending between sovereign nations.
Someone should probably give him an angry lecture and threaten to take his badge.
Includes footage from Die Hard, Die Harder, Die Hard With a Vengeance, Live Free or Die Hard, the trailer for A Good Day to Die Hard, Armageddon, Bandits, The Color of Night, Cop Out, Death Becomes Her, Hostage, Hudson Hawk, Last Man Standing, Lucky Number Slevin, Mercury Rising, Pulp Fiction, RED, Sin City, Striking Distance, Surrogates, Tears of the Sun, The Fifth Element, The Jackal, The Last Boy Scout, The Expendables 2, & The Whole Nine Yards with Matthew “The Human Saltine” Perry.
Every episode of Bob’s Burgers starts with its own small version of the Simpsons couch gag: each time the opening theme plays, a different store opens up next to Bob’s. And in each episode are one to four pun-based “daily special” burgers. In honor of last night’s season premiere of Bob’s Burgers, here’s every one of them from the first two seasons.