Wreck-It Ralph looks so good. It looks like it’s the first good mainstream video-game-referencing thing ever created. When I first heard about it, I was optimistic based on early art but skeptical based on every “movie about video games” ever made. But man. This one looks GREAT. There’s so many great things in this trailer, I’m going to have to go through it shot by shot.
Here’s the real reason The Avengers is breaking every box office record: It’s a single sequel to five movies, Iron Man, Iron Man 2, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, and Captain America. The Avengers are built like the Wu-Tang Clan: Everyone collaborates, then releases solo albums. But beyond that, Marvel keeps overarching story lines threaded through each film.
Marvel’s comic books have been doing this for years. Each Marvel character has their own linear comic book franchise, and occasionally those franchises will all crossover into one epic “event”, similar to what we saw in The Avengers. So by looking into the comic book analogs, we can guess the future of the Avengers films.
(This article contains spoilers for both The Avengers and some Marvel comics.)
The Multiverse: Where are Spider-Man and the X-Men?
The Marvel comics and the Marvel movies are not set in the same world. But they are set in the same multiverse — a series of distinctive universes that rarely interact. The Marvel comics actually feature more than one universe; there’s the Marvel Universe (Earth-616) and the Marvel Ultimate Universe (Earth-1610), which contain different versions of the same characters. For example, Peter Parker is Spider-Man on Earth-616, but in Earth-1610, Parker is dead and the new Spider-Man is blatino teenager Miles Morales.
The specifics of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (Earth-199999) are defined only by the details given in each movie. And so far there’s been no indication of the mutant phenomenon integral to the X-Men storyline. Marvel sold the film rights to X-Men and Spider-Man to Fox and Sony respectively, so it’s possible they’ve written them out completely. But there are other lesser-known characters who may still appear in upcoming Marvel Studios films.
A film based on the blacksploitation superhero Luke Cage is in development with John Singleton directing. No one has been cast to play the titular character yet, but Old Spice guy Isaiah Mustafa has expressed interest in the role — so fingers crossed for that. Edgar Wright is also currently working on a film based on Ant Man / Giant Man, a size-shifting biochemist and founding member of the comic-book Avengers.
ABC recently announced that they’re developing a TV show based on The Hulk due to the box office success of The Avengers. Now that Disney owns Marvel, they can pretty much make any Marvel TV show they want.
Earlier this month ABC announced that they passed on AKA Jessica Jones by Twilight screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg. Jessica Jones was supposed to be about a former superheroine that became a private investigator, based on a Marvel comic from 2001-2004 called Alias. That… certainly sounds like a TV show! Lets see if we can come up with something better!
Tony & Bruce’s MythBusters
This would be exactly like MythBusters but set in the Marvel universe. Tony Stark and Bruce Banner would smile knowingly at each other with some ham-fisted gay tension while solving some of the Marvel universe’s greatest conundrums: Can the Hulk break adamantium? What would happen to Daredevil at a rave? How does the Thing take a shit?
OH NO, THE JIG IS UP, EVERYONE SCRAM!
*Entire internet replaced with millions of spinning chairs*
Apparently, I was the first person to post this to a static location online. It was sent to me over IM by someone who got it off of 4chan, where it was leaked a few hours before going up in a Sun article about the “I can count to potato” meme.
Within a few hours it got over 2,000 notes, and suddenly people who knew the girl in real life started sending me messages about how I was a monster.
Ken Marino nervously recites the Party Down catering company’s motto to Countess McGonagall and then reassures her, “This will be the best party Downton Abbey has ever seen!” Countess McGonagall tilts her large black hat down and glares at him through her square glasses. “It had better be, or you’ll soon find yourself expelled from Downton Abbey forever.”
Meanwhile Adam Scott and Girl Adam Scott set up a bar in the sitting room. Adam Scott mutters, “What century are we even IN right now?” and Girl Adam Scott replies, “Like, you know, whatever.” Adam Scott and Girl Adam Scott share an awkward moment, then he bluntly states, “So how are things between you and Roy from the warehouse — is that thing like totally over or what?” and Girl Adam Scott says, “Yeah dude, totally, totally, yeah yeah yeah.”
Suddenly a sinister gay footman runs up to Adam Scott and yanks a wine bottle out of his hand then he runs over to Countess McGonagall and blurts out, “My lady! I caught Mr Bates trying to steal THIS WINE BOTTLE from the catering company!” Countess McGonagall sighs, “Can’t you see I’m speaking to Mr Marino? And what does it matter whether or not Mr Bates stole the bottle? We have an open bar tonight, anyone may drink as much as they like.” The sinister gay footman sulks and walks away, then soliloquies “Blast! My poorly motivated and executed plan to DESTROY Mr Bates has been foiled yet again. I swear to god I will get you Mr Bates. If I have to kill every unborn child in Downton Abbey I swear to GOD I will get you!!!” The sinister gay footman shakes his fist like Dr Claw while leering at Mr Bates, who is chatting up a mannish woman on the other side of the room.
“Whitney, your twin sister, Outsourced Cummings, represented a significant investment to NBC,” the NASA Business Commission executive mutters, “We’d like to talk to you about taking over her contract and enlisting in the Avatar program.”
Whitney Cummings mouthfarts, “psshhh, what’s with the serious pants attitude!?” The NBC exec looks confused. “Whitney, you understand that your twin sister is dead, right?” Whitney rolls her eyes and slinks back in her chair, “it’s all cool dude!” Then she burps.
The flustered NBC executive strokes his devil beard and says, “Listen, we’ve got a pilot ready to launch on Thursday night. We need you to take over your sister’s mission – you have the exact same genetic make up as Outsourced, you’re the only one who can do it. Please! Whitney! Our planet is desperately low on Ratium and we think you may be our only hope of survival. We need to send you to the planet Avatar so you can convince the Avatar tribe to move their Avatars so that we can mine for the Ratium. Please! PLEASE WHITNEY PLEASE!” Whitney’s all like “Yeah whatever dude I’ll do it, I’m always down for a par-tayyy!”
“I give you a five minute window. I don’t sit in while you’re running it down, I don’t help you kidnap the dogs, I don’t carry a gun… I drive. ” Ryan Gosling explains to the dognappers while maintaining a meaningful facial expression. Ryan Gosling’s modified super car idles outside of a luxurious Beverly Hills mansion. The dognappers don Sarah Jessica Parker masks and exit the car.
Ryan Gosling waits intensely.
One of the thugs returns to the car, tossing a pink handbag in the back seat. “Come on, come on!” Inside the house we hear crashing and yipping. “Come on… I’m going back in for him!” to which Ryan Gosling replies, “You got two minutes.” The thug jumps out of the car and runs back into the house.
Ryan Gosling hears more yipping and distant sounds of police sirens. The time limit is almost up, and the police are rounding the corner. The dognappers are nowhere in sight. Ryan Gosling floors it! Cool 80s music starts to play!!
Ryan Gosling calmly weaves in and out of the LA traffic while remaining virtually invisible to the police helicopter’s search lights. He’s able to pull it off because of his enchanted fingerless driving gloves and magic scorpion jacket.
Suddenly the voice of Drew Barrymore speaks from the back seat, “Hello? What’s going on? Are you my chauffeur? Ew, why am I in a Chevy Impala? I am a chihuahua!” Ryan Gosling swerves the car, exclaiming, “Holy shit a talking dog!”