Comedian, blogger, and graphic artist. Creator of hundreds of viral images that have been seen on Reddit, Digg, Boing Boing, The Daily What, Laughing Squid, and many other super fancy popular sites. Wrestles sharks on the weekends. Kung Fu master. Ladies man. Totally didn't write this himself.
With the release of iOS 5 I’m sure everyone will be challenging the capacity Apple servers trying to download this latest update. There are many great new features that all of you will love. To see those… go somewhere else. You’ve got Google. Use it.
However, if you would like to see all of the hidden easter eggs covertly nestled away within iOS 5 then you have come to the right place.
In 1947, a young Fred Pepper graduated from medical school. His only desire was to use his medical knowledge to create a soft drink that tasted like gargoyle saliva with bubbles in it. Soon Dr. Pepper found the 23 perfect ingredients, and with a little carbonation his bubble soda pop concoction was complete.
Skip ahead to present time and we find a struggling soda company desperate to attract more people to drink their beverage. Other companies had created knock-off drinks and did it without a medical degree. The good doctor knew two things. Woman aren’t stupid enough to drink bubbly gargoyle saliva, and men are trying to cut down on unnecessary calories so they can eat more meat without consequence.
Dr. Pepper went back to his lab and created a low calorie, low sugar drink strong enough for a woman, but pH balanced for a man. He calls it Dr. Pepper TEN… and women aren’t allowed to drink it.
It is my belief that every family has a serial email forwarder. A person that doesn’t realize that we groan every time we see the “FWD:FWD:FWD:” in the subject line. A person that wants us to know the truth about Obama’s upbringing in the slums of Terrorism-stan. A person who has cute pictures of a co-worker’s kittens that you just have to see. Yes, we all have this relative.
My editor asked me if I could find examples of planking in video games. He figured there would be MILLIONS of examples. Since he is my boss, I am going to say that his estimation was verrrrry close.
In reality, after scouring several internets, I have discovered that there are 12 examples. Also, they aren’t very interesting or funny. But the thing is, when life hands me lemons, I take them to a nursing home and throw them at the elderly… because it brings me joy.
When a man and a woman are in love and get married, they decide to show their love by participating in the most heinous of acts. Sexual intercourse. They turn off all the lights and the man inserts his rod of evil into the woman’s hole of Satan. They must use the missionary position, as it is improper for the male to face the Lord when humping about and making sex faces.
Salutations, internet ne’erdowells. Since I was a lad, I have enjoyed fine cinema. In those days, films were written and performed properly. With a dignified vocabulary and diligent diction.
Alas, those days have gone the way of the dodo. Class and manners have been usurped by poorly constructed idioms and distasteful vulgarity. I cannot view a picture film without my ears being molested by the horrendous mangling of the English language.
Therefore I have put my quill to parchment and rewritten some of the most famed movie quotations as a proper Englishman would have uttered them. I think you’ll see that they are much improved upon.