Alyssa Kramer

— 11 posts

Former high school valedictorian, beauty queen and Olympic athlete. I'M KIDDING NONE OF THIS IS TRUE! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE!

  1. Marla on productivity

    1315 views, 2 comments

    Hey guys I’m back with some advice. Sorry I’ve been MIA…I’ve been out lookin’ for love in all the wrong places again. I tried online dating for the eleventh time and let’s just say I’m still singlin and minglin. I met some really crazy dudes who were only lookin for one thing if you know what I mean and what I mean is they were lookin’ for my vagina.

    Well last time I talked about food and this time I’m talkin about productivity. I answered some new questions and hope that you leave a question about travel for me in the comments section below for next time or else Slacktory will fire me and I won’t be able to pay my cable bill which won’t even matter cuz I steal cable from my neighbors so take that Slacktory lol jk.

    Dear Marla,

    Why can’t I ever pay attention when I watch movies?

    That Person That Always Asks Questions During Movies

    See Marla’s answer, and four more questions. »

  2. Anderson Cooper watches Glee

    1682 views, No comments

    Anderson Cooper coming out of the closet ruined a lot of fantasies and left a lot of women distraught. But here’s how you can incorporate AC’s news into your thoughts to have the ultimate fantasy!

    See 14 more straight sexual fantasies about a gay Anderson Cooper. »

  3. Marla OkCupid banner

    54496 views, 18 comments

    Thank you for the universal praise for “20 Guys Trying to Bang a Total Psycho on OkCupid“! We’re proud of every commenter ever for recognizing comedy, irony and hyperbole! Everyone saw clearly how the butt of the joke is Marla herself, because we explained it super-clearly because we’re very professional and perfect. As a reward, here are 12 more conversations with Marla, a crazy person made up for a fake OkCupid account.

    Because OkCupid decided this joke was too good to let slowly devolve into a tired gag, they’ve closed Marla’s account. This will be the last-ever collection of Marla’s OkCupid conversations until she makes another account.

    See the rest of Marla’s little chats! »

  4. Marla OkCupid banner

    326748 views, 201 comments

    The world is fucked. If you are single, you’re fucked. If you’re married, you’re probably going to get divorced, so you’re fucked too. Online dating is taking over, and it’s as bad as everyone says it is. The general population is morphing into lazy, fake, desperate, and creepy weirdoes on the internet, and I did a little experiment to prove it.

    I made a fake profile on OkCupid based on a character I created, named Marla. Here’s what Marla’s profile looked like. Please note that in my profile picture, you can’t see my face, boobs, butt, or anything that would indicate that I’m physically attractive whatsoever. Oh come on, that’s a hot shoulder. — Ed.

    The goal was to be as incredibly weird, rude, and unattractive as possible to see if guys would still talk to me. Seriously, who would waste more than 0.05 seconds on this white trash bitch? A LOT OF PEOPLE, APPARENTLY.

    See how 20 guys responded to my fake profile. »

  5. Titanic without Leo's face

    795 views, 1 comment

    People are constantly complaining about movie prices. Everyone’s always like “Back in my day movies were 3 cents” or some shit, but you guys! Our $9 isn’t just paying for 90 minutes of Katherine Heigl making cutesy faces and poorly delivering her lines! Our money is going much further than we think.

    Allow me to break it down for you. »

  6. Hey Diddle Diddle banner

    3207 views, 1 comment

    I fixed classic nursery rhymes to be more realistic. But that made them all hella tragic.

    Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men were like, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING.”

    See 13 more realistic nursery rhymes. »

  7. Marla #5 Title

    1664 views, 6 comments

    We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but Marla was all we could afford. Also see her advice about datingfamilyhousehold hints and neighbors.

    Thanks for all your questions from last time about cooking and food! After you read the answers, please ask Marla your questions about productivity.

    Dear Marla,

    Since the holidays are here, can you please suggest a good pair of pants with an elastic waist band? This problem happens every year…I can’t clear my plate, because I always pop my jeans.


    Marla: ‘Ur gonna want to shop in the preggo section at walmart.’ »

  8. Title Pic Marla #4

    1553 views, 11 comments

    We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but Marla was all we could afford. Also see her advice about datingfamily and household hints.

    Thanks for all your questions from last time about neighbors! After you read the answers, please ask Marla your questions about cooking and food.

    Dear Marla,

    I have a problem with my neighbor’s dog. The damn thing barks all day long. It even wakes up my baby and baby mama. What can I do? I’m afraid if I kill it my neighbors will burn my house down. Help!


    Dear Sleepless: I dont approve of hurtin animals but try chocolate. »

  9. Title Pic Marla #3

    1716 views, 13 comments

    We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but Marla was all we could afford. Also see her advice about dating and family. Thanks for all your questions about household hints! We apologize in advance for Marla’s answers.

    Dear Marla,

    I am having a centipede problem in my house. Can you tell me how to get rid of them?

    I hope ur not talkin about human centipedes. »

  10. Title Pic

    1845 views, 18 comments

    We tried to hire a dating columnist for Slacktory, but we’re working on a budget so Marla is all we could afford. Also see her previous advice.

    Dear Marla,

    My friend’s dad cheated on his mom and he’s so depressed. How can I help?


    First of all define ‘cheatin’ cuz it has several meanings. »

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