Slacktory

Superbowl-party

I’m no stranger to attending a party or two when Super Bowl Sunday rolls around, sometimes even when specifically invited. I’d like to share some essential pointers for pigskin party-goers that I use each year. Allow me to allow YOU to have the best time possible at the party no matter what team you’re rooting for (I usually say the Wisconsin Wieners, but then again, I’m the office cut-up, so…)

First: note where the host’s belfry is. It is most likely the room with the highest population of bats, and you’d be very wise to steer clear of it.

If there are women at the party, be kind and courteous and ask them if they’d care to “have the next waltz.” Don’t be a sucker and miss your chance for a smooch after the big Charleston contest they’re sure to hold during half-time!

Make sure not to, under any circumstances, sit in the dips. OR, as a cool and hilarious Super Bowl party prank: wait until the time is right, and definitely sit in ALL the dips.

Do not grow cranky and wonder aloud when the piñata will be brought out. It is sadly not that type of party.

Furthermore, avoid phrases like “Fumble! Ha! SUCH a Taurus…” and “Boy, the coach may as well have consulted the I Ching on THAT one, right!” and “Eh, I stopped watching football after the first season…”

Impress the other party-goers with facts about the indigenous species of raven local to your area, and actual statistics and mining methods from the prospectin’ days the turn of the century 49ers lived through during the gold rush. It’s game day, people! Do your research!

It should be noted that all of this information should be disregarded if the party hosts own a dog. In this instance, you should be furiously petting that good boy as much as you can before the party ends.

Hosting

Some of you might take it upon yourself to even hide that ol’ teddy bear collection and HOST a party to celebrate the big game this year. I haven’t hosted a party that wasn’t Tupperware related in who knows how long. But I’d still like to offer some tips and secrets to make your hosting duties such a “total touchdown in the game” that your guests will be calling you “the coach of the team this year” for years to come. (Pardon the sports talk.)

Make sure to have lots of acceptable seating, which, in my experience, typically means finding more couch space, making more room for folding chairs and way, way, wayyyy less room for all my rocking horses.

Make it an open environment for folks with a gambling bent to place fun bets on the game. Gamblers can easily be identified by their ever-present green plastic visors, endless flipping of a dirty nickel, and ability to shuffle cards in a seamless blur while holding their hands a yard apart.

The invite list is very important. You only want the guys at the office to meet the CHOICEST dudes from your swimming lessons and old-time brass quintet, so use discretion. If this means not inviting your foster parents, so be it.

Make sure to invite the mayor, too, if only to discreetly ask why your plot in the community garden is getting suspiciously smaller and smaller, while Mrs. MacGregory’s gourds and squashes ALL OF A SUDDEN take up, like, a plot and a HALF. Yeah, like her smelly ol’ squashes need all that room. What for? RUNNING AROUND?! Bullshit, mayor. It’s all a bunch of bullshit.

Definitely do NOT invite Mrs. MacGregory.

There’s nothing that ruins a Super Bowl party quicker than an electronics malfunction right in the middle of the game. This is why you should make certain that the radio you’ll all be listening to the game over has FRESH tubes and capacitors.

Actually on second thought, there is something that ruins a Super Bowl party quicker than malfunctioning electronics and that is Mrs. MacGregory’s dumb ass showing up.

Make sure to provide EVERYONE with lyrics sheets and vocal arrangements if have your own cheers prepared for the big game. My face was red when I was the only one who knew the words to “Which Team’s Da Green Team? (Dat Team’s Da Green Team!)”, “After This Who Wants To Watch Casper?” and “T-O-U-C-H-D-O-W-M (Spells Touchdowm!)” back in 2003. Seriously, learn from my mistake!

Bring the wings! Everybody loves when I make my famous wings! With the a few coat hangers and a couple pounds of white feathers (which can be found in any craft store or local stork’s nest) my angel’s wings let my party guests know that I am a GOOD host, and not a BAD host that would wear a devil’s costume.

Beer! It wouldn’t be a Super Bowl party without it! So make sure to buy a can to kick back with after all the hoopla is over!

Follow my instructions and people will have such a spectacular time that they’ll be begging you to throw a party for EVERY month’s Super Bowl. Just trust me and “go long”! With my kooky plans!

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