Slacktory

Posts Published February 2013

  1. IKEA-bedroom

    I have the best room ever

    A man’s home is his castle. My current home is a teeny-tiny apartment in Brooklyn that I share with two jazz musician roommates, an army of millipedes, a few families of mice and I think once I saw a seagull. Disgusting, I know, but they refuse to try rock and roll.

    This makes my castle kinda the sucky kind of a castle, like those dumb ones made of sand (what are they called again? Dirt-turrets? Mud dungeons? It’ll come to me). Nevertheless it contains my room, where I do most, if not all, of my late-night carousing with loose women. Yeah, late-night carousing sure is great, though I would carouse 24/7 if it were up to me. Wouldn’t we all? Carousing is dope.

    Speaking of carousing, as an open-mic comedian who specializes in non-sequitur one-liners and long drawn-out conceptual bits, I’m sure you’ve assumed that I meet my fair share of groupies. Usually the groupies coyly make their intentions known to me by making the first move. Like the the adorable way they trip me from being passed out right there on the sidewalk, although sometimes these groupies are asleep on the floor of the subway when we meet-cute. Oftentimes it takes a little memory jog to find out where they know me from (Is it from my longtime patronage of the Build-A-Bear workshop? Are you one of those hardcore fans who know my earlier work with the Rainforest Cafe?) but they almost always refer to me by my name: Mister.

    Girls are always quite taken with how my room is decorated (messy, to the point of squalor)… »

  2. It's-a-no-brainer

    It’s a no-brainer

    You never hear this in real life, right?

  3. Not-TV-real-life-Ren-and-Stimpy
  4. Inane responses to celebrity tweets

    Celebrities: they’re just like us, but with SO many more Twitter followers. Maybe that’s why regular people feel comfortable tweeting starstruck nonsense at the world’s most influential social media users. I assume—or I hope—they figure it’s just going to fly under the radar of the rich and famous, and no one will ever notice that they communicated some embarrassingly dopey sputterings to their favorite famous person.

    Nothing flies under our bottom-feeding radar, though, so here’s some tweets that answered celebrity blather with even less impressive online repartee:

    Screen shot 2013-02-18 at 10.17.38 PM

    See 11 more mouth-breathing celeb shoutouts. »

  5. Okc_ebooks: Pick-up artists trying to chat up a robot horse

    Okc_ebooks creator Sam Kriss made a fake female profile on the dating site OkCupid, through which he responds to unsolicited messages from men with quotes from @horse_ebooks, the surreal Twitter bot that streams nonsensical snippets of text. The result: dozens of conversations from horny men desperately vying to have sex with a robot.

    fat-cock-up-your-ass

    That men on dating websites are desperate enough to forge conversations with aleatory internet patter is not in itself surprising. For women who receive an abundance of unsolicited messages from men, it is effortless to reject a would-be suitor. There is no need to give an “I have a boyfriend” or even a “no.” Thus, to some men, any response at all from a woman is encouragement enough to try to keep the conversation going, even if that response is “Almost immediately Together Turned immediately Immediately Immediately Immediately Immediately Immediately Immediately Immediately.”

    What’s surprising is how perfectly Okc_ebooks illustrates how pickup artists degrade communication. »

  6. Maximus-Thor-in-the-mirror

    Weird Youtube: Maximus Thor

    The black hole of Youtube can be the worst way to ruin an afternoon, or the best way to find some of the strangest things on the internet. For example, Maximus Thor.

    The first video is unassuming enough–a young, blonde, permanently shirtless child (apparently named Maximus) hops along a jungle gym, then turns to the camera and, in the voice of a large black man, proclaims, “Hi, beeyatch!” But wait.

    In his next video, he discusses Darth Vader’s anatomy. »

  7. Leslie-Knope-drinks

    Parks and Recreation: Drunk Pawnee

    Ever notice how everyone in Pawnee has a drinking problem?

  8. Slacktory Classic: Nailed It: How to fix your relationship on Valentine’s Day

    Here’s my guide to putting off a breakup on Valentine’s Day, first published last year.

  9. Nick-Douglas-backseat-gamer

    Backseat gamer

    I see video games as a spectator sport.

    Starring Nick Douglas and Tom Leveritt. Written by Nick, directed by Tom.

  10. George-Senior-in-Arrested-Development-dream

    “Arrested Development” is George Sr.’s death row fantasy

    Let’s assume the following about Arrested Development:

    Everything from the beginning of the pilot episode till the main act break, when the SEC raids the Bluths’ boat party and arrests George Sr., actually happened.

    georgeboat

    From there, George Sr. is rightly convicted of treason (for aiding Saddam Hussein, as revealed in later episodes of the show) and receives a death sentence.

    George Sr. is held prisoner in the awful conditions afforded to an enemy of the United States who is awaiting execution.

    George Sr. is psychologically unprepared for this kind of horror, and suffers a mental breakdown.

    From there the rest of Arrested Development is a fantasy George Sr. plays out in his mind fulltime, to avoid facing his own guilt and his own mortality.

    georgeprison

    See ten ways the whole series makes a lot more sense in this scenario. »

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