Slacktory

Hobbit-fashion

The Hobbit has broken box office records and, as with every hit movie, those in the know have already begun reflecting the trends from the big screen in the way they dress.

Rings

hobbit-fashion-rings
Photo by/CC Flavio on Flickr

Rings have always been a fun accessory, but with the advent of Hobbit Fashion, they’re a must have for any outfit. Gold rings, platinum rings, plastic rings, rings made of string, rings that make you invisible and turn you evil, are all good options. Essentially, just put as many rings on your fingers as possible. Put so many rings on that you can’t bend your fingers. You won’t be able to open doors or point at things, but fashion wasn’t made for utility. For an extra touch of class carry around a phone that’s ringing, and never answer. Who’s calling? Fashion.

 

Heavy Tunics

hobbit-fashion-tunics
Photo by/CC Novita Estiti on Flickr

Finally, an occasion to wear all those tunics you bought when Rome was on! If you don’t own at least three tunics in various earth tones, you can find some at your local Crate or Barrel (not Crate AND Barrel) or even better, make it yourself. Some people will say you need to imbue it with magical powers to defend against orcs, but do whatever you’re comfortable with! This is about YOUR creativity!

 

Being Three Feet Six Inches Tall

hobbit-fashion-be-short
Photo by/CC Luca Fazzolari on Flickr

This one is a little harder to achieve, but it’s totally worth the effort. If you choose to shrink yourself down to the size of a hobbit, your Bilbosity (get used to it, people will be saying it all the time soon) will have strangers doing double takes. The easy way to shrink is to walk around in a slight crouch with your knees bent, but if you truly want to commit to FASHION and STYLE and GLAMOUR you will walk around on your knees. Throw out those high heels ladies, the days of long sexy legs are over. The future is short, stubby, and maybe even a little hairy.

 

Dirt

hobbit-fashion-dirt
Photo by/CC Lenny Montana on Flickr

How have we not thought of this before? Designer dirt is the way of the future! Dab some on your face, and you have instant lowlights that will compliment any skin tone. Throw some on pulse points for a natural musky perfume. Try to really rub it into your face and skin as much as possible, so it doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard to jump on the trend. But if you really want to jump in, spread some dirt on your clothes, and everything you own!

 

Bare Feet

hobbit-fashion-bare-feet
Photo by/CC Pedro Ribeiro Simões on Flickr

Sandals, heels, flats, espadrilles, flip-flops, boots, sneakers, and those weird running shoes that are like gloves for your feet are all definitely “pre-Baggins.” No more spending hundreds on a single pair of shoes! Walking around barefoot is not only economical, but also good for your back, or something probably. Maybe you’ll step in dog shit, maybe you’ll step in broken glass, but beauty is pain (and animal feces). To really bring it to the next level, and I’m not officially recommending this because it’s technically illegal, you could wear actual bear feet on your bare feet so you can have bear feet while still having bare feet. Don’t ask me how to get bear feet, but if you see them at Paris Fashion Week don’t be surprised.

 

Swords

hobbit-fashion-sword
Photo by/CC Ric Lantz on Flickr

Talk about fashion and function! A sword is an easy way to fend off muggers/goblins, and buckle it to a belt for a simple way to cinch the waist. A small bejeweled dagger is a great way to draw the eye down and away from the face, so if you have an unsightly blemish, or even an unsightly face, this is the accessory for you.

 

Potatoes

Hobbit-fashion-potatoes
Photo by/CC Dag Endresen on Flickr

As any hobbit will tell you, potatoes are the new water, meaning that 70% of your body should be composed of potatoes. Forget those no-carb diets, and start eating potatoes like hand fruits. If eating potatoes for every meal makes you chunk up a bit, who cares? You’re wearing a giant tunic, no one can even see your stomach. Boil them, mash them, stick them in a stew! Be sure to always keep a raw potato on hand for a quick midday snack, and when you get thirsty, always choose vodka.

 

These are just a couple fun and easy tips to get you started on your way to becoming Americas Next Top Hobbit. The Hobbit-Chic revolution is coming, don’t think it’s not. Anna Wintour has already built an exact replica of Mordor (actual size) and is living in the center of Mount Doom, and Kate Moss has begun to speak completely in Elvish. Are you ready for the fashion revolution?

  • Joelle Davis

    WHY has no one commented on this?! This is hilarious!!

Copyright © 2014 My Damn Channel, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Designed in collaboration with Wondersauce.

Google+