Slacktory

Daniel-Stern-Spin-Doctors-documentary-script

Daniel Nadolny wants to shoot a biopic about the Spin Doctors. And he wants that film to star City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold‘s Daniel Stern as lead singer Chris Barron. So he’s started a Kickstarter project, Daniel Stern Plays the Spin Doctors Guy.

With ten days to go, the project has raised $2,150 of its $5 million goal. So to help it with that final push, Nadolny is sharing the script for a pivotal scene. This is the first peek at Spin It to Win It, the Spin Doctors Story.

INT. MEETING ROOM — DAY

A bright and minimalist meeting room at the record label’s corporate office, Midtown Manhattan. Singer CHRIS BARRON (played by Daniel Stern) and guitarist ERIC SCHENKMAN sit on one side of the table, opposite label exec DAVID FEINBERG and A&R coordinator AXL MATTHEWS.

The discussion takes place in early 1994, when the overplaying of “Two Princes” has caused the Spin Doctors’ record sales and media requests to drop off markedly. The band is recording a follow-up album and meeting to discuss progress with the label.

DAVID FEINBERG:
There’s no simple way to put it. This is unacceptable.

CHRIS BARRON:
(puzzled, looking for clarification)
Hmm?

FEINBERG:
(matter-of-factly and slightly irritated)
This material. It’s a dead end.

AXL MATTHEWS:
(extremely weasel-y)
It COULD be better, guys…

BARRON:
They’re harshin’ it. I knew it. I knew it.

ERIC SCHENKMAN:
Whoa whoa whoa, what’s your gripe? The jams?

FEINBERG:
The jams. The songs. The lyrics. The extended percussion breaks. The lack of hooks. Front-to-back, this is garbage. This is not what we’re paying you to produce.

MATTHEWS:
It’s not what we’re paying you to produce, guys…

BARRON:
Knew this would happen. Fuckin’ knew it.

SCHENKMAN:
Let’s not be hasty, here. Did you, did you guys get the right mix?

FEINBERG:
The right mix?

SCHENKMAN:
The mix we all did, last week. Are you sure it’s the right one? Chris, they got the wrong mix.

BARRON:
(relieved)
Oh thank christ.

FEINBERG:
The mix? THE MIX? Fuck the mix! The mix didn’t write lyrics about “Cleopatra’s favorite cat.” The mix didn’t book 4 days of the most expensive drum corps in the tri-state area. The mix didn’t waste 10 rolls of tape on a song called “Big Fat Funky Booty”!

BARRON:
(looking at Eric, hanging head in defeat)
He’s harshin’ it again, Eric.

SCHENKMAN:
“Big Fat Funky Booty”…that’s us. That’s our SOUL. That poured right out of me.

FEINBERG:
It poured out of you, all right.

MATTHEWS:
It poured out of you, guys…

SCHENKMAN:
“Cleopatra” is our next “Two Princes”. You have to trust us, here. This has “unit shifter” all over it.

FEINBERG:
It’s five HORRIBLE minutes of aimless scatting about Roman history! Centurions? Mark Antony? Regicide? Hello!?

Feinberg throws a crumpled-up piece of paper at Chris, who has his head down on the desk.

FEINBERG (CONT’D):
This is the 1990s! People want fun, relatable music on their airwaves! Have you heard The Proclaimers doing “500 Miles”?

BARRON:
500…pardon me?

FEINBERG:
500 MILES! HAVE YOU HEARD IT?

SCHENKMAN
We, uhh… don’t really dig on the radio.

FEINBERG:
NO SHIT, YOU DON’T!

MATTHEWS:
No shit, guys…

SCHENKMAN:
It’s cool, I mean, we can film a video, right? We can make it work?

BARRON:
OH yeahhh… we’ll film another video. People love cats. Cats are relatable. Let’s get a cat crawling around that causes all kinds of mischief while we jam on the roof of a building. I have a cat.

SCHENKMAN:
Just a real tight, killer video for the new single.

BARRON:
Cats would steal baby’s breath in ancient times and become reincarnated as deities. Can we film that? While we jam on the roof?

FEINBERG:
(to Axl)
Are you hearing this shit?

SCHENKMAN:
It doesn’t have to be on the roof, David. I know there are insurance considerations at play.

Feinberg SLAMS his hands on the table, seething.

FEINBERG:
I’m not pussyfooting anymore with you two clowns. We have over a million dollars invested in this album and I intend to recoup our money. I want HOOKS. I want SINGLES. I don’t care if you rewrite “Little Miss Who Gives a Fuck” 15 times. I want danceable, unit-shifting, radio-friendly FLUFF and I want it by the end of next month, or I will litigate your sorry hippie asses into the next millenium for breach of contract.

Dead silence fills the room.

BARRON:
(to Eric, whispering, dead serious)
…he means the year 2000!

FEINBERG:
Good day to you both.

Feinberg exits.

MATTHEWS: Have a good one, guys.

Matthews follows.

SCHENKMAN:
(exasperated)
Can you COOL IT with the cat talk, dude?

BARRON:
Aw, now you’re harshin’ it?

SCHENKMAN:
They’re shafting us. The Spin Doctors. I can’t believe this. The label’s prunin’ us right when we’re about to blossom. What do they know about creation?

BARRON:
Creative control, man.

SCHENKMAN:
All they do is crunch numbers and count beans.

BARRON:
Bean counters.

SCHENKMAN:
We’re trying to make a uplifting cultural statement, and these guys are worried about “hooks”.

BARRON:
Hooks and ladders, man.

SCHENKMAN:
WE’RE the ones with staying power. We’re the next Rolling Stones. It’s time to turn the tables. I mean REALLY turn ‘em around!

BARRON:
Turn it all upside down.

SCHENKMAN:
(coming to a realization)
Turn it upside down…

BARRON:
Must be an echo in here.

SCHENKMAN:
Turn it upside down. The Spin Doctors “Turn It Upside Down”. That’s it. That’s the title of the record.

BARRON:
(excited)
It is?

Remember to go pledge to Daniel’s Kickstarter project!

Copyright © 2014 My Damn Channel, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Designed in collaboration with Wondersauce.

Google+