So Zack Snyder was, and then wasn’t, making a Seven Samurai ripoff within the Star Wars universe for Disney. He’s got a very distinctive style, so everyone had the potential movie appear fully formed in their mind’s eye as soon as they heard the news.
And since Disney’s planning to do a bunch of Star Wars universe movies beyond the new trilogy, we’ve got a lot more auteur Jedi epics to imagine. So here’s what will come to mind if any critically acclaimed directors get a rumored chance to build on George Lucas’s legacy.
From the cantinas to the moisture farms to the spaceport droid repair shops, every Tatooinean has a story to tell and a knack for jokey dialogue. Tying their plotlines together: a young lovelorn Jedi who speaks in the comedic voice of Woody Allen, and his faithful droid companion (voiced by Woody Allen).
The city Mr. Allen most wishes to visit in the European country offering the best tax break will stand in for Tatooine.
An Imperial tax collector (Sean Penn) leaves Coruscant behind to work the galaxy’s most hauntingly beautiful remote planets. He’s also the only character.
Running time: 300 minutes.
It seemed like a simple gig: watch your prisoners, transport your prisoners, feed your prisoners to the Sarlacc. But after Boba Fett (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) escapes alive, the fellas on “The Carkoon Detail” (young unknown guy, Jeremy Renner, Chris Pratt) find themselves grasping for answers and questioning why they work their amoral desert planet contractor jobs at all.
It’s SUPER political.
A visually stunning tale of stylized swordplay, galactic wonder, and life lessons, Ang Lee’s Star Wars biopic centers on a young boy fulfilling his all-important destiny.
It’s The Phantom Menace.
Harrison Ford returns to the role of Han Solo, who’s now a little older and not much wiser. Luke Skywalker’s funeral is a week away, so Han and his neglected grown-up son travel there together, doing the Kessel Run in way more than 12 parsecs. It’s a rambling road movie in space, and along the way Han comes to terms with Chewie’s death, Leia’s death, and the fact that he’s now too old to do any of the cool action stuff that appeals to Star Wars fans.
Harrison Ford is a 70-year-old, so he’ll need to be “aged up” a little for the movie. Mr. Payne wants his Han to be pushing 85.
Michael Fassbender plays a Rebel who gets frozen in carbonite. It’s an extremely painful process to watch. Ninety minutes of movie later he gets unfrozen, and then the credits roll.
Cameo by Fassbender’s Dick? You bet.
You may think you know what happens in the original Star Wars trilogy, just like you know how World War II and the Civil War went down. But wait till you see Star Wars get turned into a multi-part blood-soaked revenge tale with a badass soundtrack. It’ll star Christoph Waltz as Obi-Wan Kenobi, Zoë Bell as Leia Organa, and Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu, Deathless Vengeful Ghost.
Star Wars is also racist now.
Tagline: “No. He’s not sorry about the mess.”