The 90s Guy is a column by a man living in the 1990s.
Holy shit! I turned around for like five minutes and Cher has become some kind of cybernetic angel-being from the future.
Like, I know she hasn’t really done much lately (other than that weird duet with Beavis and Butthead) but I didn’t know she was taking a break so she could undergo an experimental procedure to bring her that much closer to a state of pure electronic omniscience.
I mean, you’ve heard that Believe song, right?
If you haven’t heard it yet, you should check your TV Guide to see when VH1 is going to be playing a block of music videos, then set your VCR to record it so you can fast-forward through all the videos that don’t feature a cybernetic Cher.
Anyway, Cher does this crazy robot thing with her voice where she sounds both organic and cybernetic. Like she’s singing, but also she’s a computer? It’s her voice, but also, it’s like a modem or something?
Cyber-Cher has all sorts of wires and gizmos coming out of her head, probably going into her hard drive or whatever. They keep her in some sort of inescapable glass cage, which is probably for the best. I mean, we don’t want her running amok causing destruction and mayhem. God only knows what kind of abilities she possesses.
Like, for instance, she keeps blinking in and out of reality whenever she uses her future-voice. It’s like she’s not even part of this world anymore, she’s transcended onto some sort of new plane of existence. She’s neither human nor machine, she’s some sort of techno-goddess come to spread the word of her gospel, promising life after love to all us mortal beings.
It’s only a matter of time until other pop stars follow Cher’s example and undergo the metamorphosis themselves. Imagine a world where a cybernetic Taylor Hanson can not only regress to his high pitched pre-pubescent voice, but enhance it so that it’s somehow even more feminine than before.
And also, he can teleport.