Slacktory

Home Alone torture porn - Harry and Marv see Kevin

Below are real quotes from the Home Alone novelizations. We’re not kidding, you can fact-check. — Ed.

So we’re all on the same page here, right? We’ve all been in this situation? You’re on a stroll, you see a moldy box of books on the side of the road, and you have yourself a rummage, yeah? Usually the box is full of pre-highlighted textbooks about torts and those supermarket paperbacks where the cover artwork sinisterly depicts, like, a single stiletto heel, dangling over a silver platter serving up a wedding ring with a side of recently-shot handgun. But sometimes one can find a real piece of literature in this urine-soaked excuse for a Barnes and Noble.

Sometimes maybe two.

And, in my case, sometimes even 2: Lost in New York.

That’s right, my latest side-of-the-road finds were the junior novelizations of both Home Alone and its sequel Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

I was eager to see how the authors handled reinterpreting such weighty source material. I soon found that the written-out descriptions of everyone’s favorite booby-trap scenes, rendered so cartoonish and light hearted in the family holiday films, feature more harrowing grisly violence and pitch black malevolence than an uncatered prison race riot.

The following, in no particular order, are direct excerpts from both of these books. Please read them as though they’re from the first draft of a continuation of the Saw franchise, or from the point of view of someone live-tweeting a snuff film.

“In a moment, Harry and Marv had their bodies wrapped around a torch. ‘Aaaaaahhhhh!’ Their screams rang up and down the street as they let go and fell downward.”

“The wire connected to the blowtorch pulled tight. Whoosh! A blue and orange flame shot out and Harry’s hair burst into flames. A second later a fireball shot through the living room and out the front door.”

“Marv finished prying the nails from his foot just about the same time Harry lifted his singed head from the icy porch.”

“The crooks were standing there. They were so banged-up they looked like escapees from a refugee camp.”

“He gave it a desperate pull. Rrrip! ‘Yeeow!’ Reeling with pain Marv looked down at the cloth. His eyebrows, mustache and goatee were there, completely removed by the glue from Kevin’s hot glue gun.”

“A few moments later Harry bumped into Marv in the living room. Harry was still pulling feathers out of his eyeballs. Marv was pulling glass shards from the bottom of his shredded feet.”

“They froze, their eyes bugged open. ‘Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!’ they shrieked in unison. The pipe clipped them both across the chest. It lifted them off their feet and sent them downward through the foyer floor…and into the basement.”

“Harry opened his eyes. He was lying at the bottom of the steps. Every part of his body throbbed with pain and his mouth felt different.”

“Paint glopped over Marv’s hair. It coated his face and splashed his clothes. ‘Auuuggghhhhh!’ The worst part was the stinging in his eyes.”

“He didn’t see it pull the trigger of the blowtorch on the wall. But he felt the result. With a roar of flame the torch blasted Harry’s head.”

“In the basement, Marv shook himself into consciousness. Every muscle in his body ached – not to mention the cuts. ‘AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH’ In the bathroom mirror, Harry saw the back his head engulfed in fire.”

“They gasped in horror. The birds converged on them, covering both men in a blanket of feathers, beaks, and claws. Harry and Marv fell to the ground, flailing helplessly.”

“They were so enraged they hardly felt the BBs. But Kevin had something they would feel. Old paint cans. Full of paint.”

“BOTH crooks dashed into the foyer, where Kevin had left his Micromachines neatly lined up. ‘Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh’”

“Marv lifted his head. His eyes were full of panic. ‘Harry…’ he pleaded. ‘No…’ Kevin let loose another brick. Marv collapsed to the ground, unconscious.”

“Marv heard Harry’s cry and started to the kitchen. In his path were a dozen little Christmas ornaments made of the thinnest glass imaginable. And Marv WASN’T wearing shoes. ‘Yaaaaaaaahhhhh!’”

“As his scorched hand cooled, leaving a five fingered imprint on the ice, Harry stared at the front door. What was going on?”

“Yeow! Harry grabbed his knee and jumped away. Marv bent down and stuck his face in the doggie door. Pop! Kevin shot him in the forehead”

“‘Ca-Chunk’ Marv’s eyes bulged. All the pain in his head was forgotten. Now there was a new pain. Sharp. Sudden. And excruciating. His mouth dropped open in silent agony. He was beyond screaming. The string was stapled to him.”

Needless to say, if anyone wants to read anymore from these volumes, you can find them somewhere near the bottom of the wet cardboard box outside my apartment, under some coloring books (too difficult) and a MAD Magazine (already had a copy).

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