The massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary has pundits on both sides talking about gun laws. Kang screams about limiting availability of guns because they lead to horrible, awful tragedies like this one; Kodos rages about how owning more guns is the only way to stop tragic, awful horrors like this one. And no law gets passed in either direction.
So I—like the feeble arts-college kid I am—thought, instead of having to draft something that gets picked apart by legal experts, why not write a script for potential gun buyers and sellers to follow? You know, just like in telemarketing.
Shop Owner: Hey, good afternoon!
Consumer: Hi there. I’d like to buy a gun please.
Shop Owner: What were you interested in? Handgun? Rifle? Shotgun?
Shop Owner: Maybe something a bit more, er, exotic?
Consumer: No no, I think a simple handgun will do.
Shop Owner: Do you have an idea of what you’d be using it for?
Consumer: Oh, “home defense”, of course.
Shop Owner: *while loading 9mm Glock* Well this is the one they give to most police officers. It’s small but has enough stopping power to get the point across, if you know what I mean.
Consumer: Haha, yeah I think I catch your drift.
Shop Owner: So you’re decided?
Consumer: Yup! Looks good!
Shop Owner: *fires gun into consumers leg*
Consumer: Ow! Oh my goodness that really stings.
Shop Owner: Sorry about that, I’m bound by law to let you know exactly what you would be capable of inflicting on other people.
Consumer: Wow. Yeah, this doesn’t feel very good at all, let me tell you.
Shop Owner: So will you be taking this one, or would you like to keep shopping?
Consumer: No on both accounts, sir. I think I’ll just spend some quality time with my family.
Shop Owner: Maybe get that wound dressed?
Consumer: Oh yeah, I figured that went without say.
Shop Owner: Well, that’s a real pity. Have a nice day now.
Consumer: You too, and thanks for all your help!
Even though we at Slacktory are in the business of making jokes, our hearts go out to the victims of this tragedy and we wish them comfort and a return to normalcy.