Slacktory

Attention fashionistas

Let’s face it, fashionistas. We are in an “ever-changing” world of clothing and style (pun not intended, but pointed out by the Library of Congress, and, admittedly, VERY clever). A world where one finds out something is passé even before they knew it was totally safe and sé to begin with.

In order to navigate these seas of pleats and petticoats, meadows of barrettes and blush, and these jails of ball-and-chains and striped coveralls, guidance must be given. Why not take that guidance from me? After all, I am most qualified. As you recall, I am considered by most to be the “Boston Market” of fashion (i.e “the best, exhibiting the most consistence in quality and standard of excellence” in fashion).

  • First off, clogs are very “in” this year. However, ATTN: my fashionistas, NOT the shoes.
  • Girdles are NOT just for the waist anymore! Some of the leaders of the field are beginning to use them as accessories to the thighs, head, and car. (Most notably, those leaders with big, fat thighs, heads and cars.)
  • Please remember, with this rhyme, to wear a watch to tell the time!
  • A tip for the corporate fashionista: Lay out your clothes for the workweek, attached to the names of those you wish to impress with each respective outfit. To get you rolling, I suggest “the boss”, “payroll” and “the big boss”.
  • Attn: Fashionistos: Tuxedos = Succeed-os. Please be wearing one at all times, to avoid insults, complaints (both verbal and e-mailed), and mandatory community-service sentences.

  • Invest—in vests! Sleeves are SO 2011.
  • It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing filthy rags or the latest from the top designers: if you’re striking the classic “Heisman trophy” pose, you’ll look more in vogue than anyone in the room.
  • Please, remember, with this rhyme, to wear a big bib when e’er you dine!
  • Want that special someone to notice you? Try echoing their sentiments!
  • Please never forget the old adage “DEAD MEN BRAID NO HAIR” (I know, it spooked me too, the first time I heard). Every living person should learn the following hair braids: the french, the wench, the stench from that bench, the “wrong bun”, Helvetica, gel-vetica, the Bad Moon Rising, the coo of a dove, the transient, the man’s transient, the go-to guy, and the “prop 29.”
  • “Remix” that outfit with a meaningful locket. (Or, what the hell, a meaningful kerchief!)
  • ATTN: Fashionistos: Tuxedos = Sucks-edos, my bad. Throw ’em out or give them to one of those fancier hobos.
  • Please remember, with this rhyme, to wear cool clothing all the time!
  • The Maximalist movement is on its way. To be ahead of the curve, please start wearing as many necklaces simultaneously as you possibly can until you cannot physically put anymore necklaces on. Feel free to do this process with eyeshadow, spray-tan, band-aids, etc. Before you know it, you will have lots of like items on your person, and thus be the hit of the party.
  • There is no longer need to say “Roald Dahl halter top.” These halter-tops, festooned with the classic characters and quotes of the British children’s author, are now so popular that you may now shorten it to simply “Roald Dahl-ter top” with little to no confusion.
  • HOT: CHIGGERS / NOT: BURRS
  • “Weird up” that chic ensemble by having a fashionable gun or dagger.
  • Please, if you’re going to wear swaddling clothes, wear the LATEST in swaddling clothes. And I hate to say it, as much as I loves me a vintage bonnet but—this goes for bonnets as well.

Finally, the fashionista may be faced with the inevitable issue of space. “Where am I gonna put all these clothes,” one might say (perhaps even out loud, and with a funny “dumb guy” accent.) Well, I would suggest simply switching what you consider your “the rest of the house” with what you consider “your closets”, creating more space for sexy outfits and consolidating pesky clutter like ovens and spouses. Special cases may want to even transpose what they consider “the outside world” and “your closets”. Also, one cannot go wrong with a perfectly good chest of drawers. I have over fifty, and can provide pictures of them if necessary. Very quickly, I might add, as most of those photos I carry around with me in my wallet at all times.

See you on the Wrunwai™!

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