Slacktory

fifth graders on stage

Joe Rumrill asks the fifth-graders of Mrs. Tenley’s class at John F. Kennedy Elementary, “What are the things you just HATE!”

Being in a class with all boys. (Theresa Concord, age 10)

Prowlers at NIGHT. (Benjamin Lindz, age 9)

Store-brand Earl Grey. (Darnell Ricketts-Atkins, age 9)

When the ballet gets cancelled with little-to-no notice to advance ticket-holders. (Treyshawn Pinion, age 10)

Guilty suspects of a committed crime. (Roderick Vincenzi, age 10)

Mumps. (“Mumpy” Jeremiah Westerneck, age 10)

What? How about prowlers ANYTIME, Benjamin… (Devin Dierkes, age 11)

When your quiver’s empty ’cause you shot all the arrows. (Francis McMustin, age 9)

When you need basmati desperately, but the maid bought only a bag of jasmine on her last trip to market. (Heitor Ignacia, age 10)

When your all-time rushing record gets beaten and you no longer hold that particular honor. (Timmy Whispers, age 10)

Being (eek!) tangled in wires! (Adam Brayre, age 10)

Most mobiles. Actually, what the hell, ALL mobiles. Fuck mobiles. (Raymond Pettigrude, age 10)

Cringe-worthy faux-pas re: table setting. (Latrell Hopkins, age 10)

Colonial Williamsburg employees fuckin’ breaking character. (Devin “Devin S.” Suska, age 10)

When you find yourself in that classic “Old Yeller” situation. (Cameron Collier, age 10)

Being credited for a limerick that you didn’t even write! (F. Scott Sackski, age 10)

When you find yourself in that classic “Mrs. Doubtfire” situation. (Thom D’ellapardo, age 10)

Arguing over who gets to pick the next song to be sung around the campfire. It’s like, isn’t this supposed to be a fun getaway from the rat race? C’mon, ya’ll!) (Will Lyle Maynard, age 10)

When your improv troupe breaks up (we’re talking breaks the fuck UP.) (Isaiah Huxley, age 9)

When the what’s being cooked in the stew… is YOU! (Gordy Applequist, age 9)

When bridge mix was promised, but, sadly, not provided…(Harold V. Peeder, age 10)

When everyone literally forgets who you are on your birthday… (Name misplaced, age probably, like 9 or 10…was wearing a party hat and frowning)

When you’re late to the candlelight vigil. (Simon LeCarre-LeGrew, age 10)

When it turns out the candlelight vigil is for you. (Joel Gallahan, 2002-2011)

When only your most feared enemies and rivals show up to your candlelight vigil just for irony’s sake (Gary Gallahan, 2002-2012)

Going to some gay-ass candlelight vigil. (Biffley “Biff” Burnes, age 11)

When you misplace your penpal’s address. (Nandhari Kushal, age 9)

When there’s a shortcut, but it’s through “Old Man Trombley’s yard” (I mean, are you crazy?! No WAY am I risking it!) (Walter Lookwood, age 10)

When your little sister grows up too fast and kinda does her own thing now and she has her OWN friends who are her OWN age and she doesn’t really have time for her older brother anymore and, y’know, you go to her cheerleading competition but it turns out she invited you BEFORE all this came to light and you go up afterward to congratulate her on her fantastic victory y’know, because, face it, she did, like, a REALLY great job and she’s like “…what are you doing here?” and it’s like, well you INVITED me, right? And then it turns out it was one of those mass invite things? You know like a Facebook “everybody gets invited, but the people who I expect at this function know who they are” type of deals? So no one felt left out (yeah, THAT worked…) So now you have to drive home by yourself listening to the “Now Cheer This!” mix you made her to get her head in the game (that you never even remembered to GIVE her, Duncan, you MORON… you… you know what you are? You’re… pathetic. Why do you have to be so pathetic…) Also, cilantro! (Am I the only one who thinks it tastes like soap? Yuck!) (Duncan Breen, age 10)

My ex-wife! (“Weird, friendless, derby-hat-wearing Desmond”, age 9)

When “ooh…actually I asked for SOY chai…this is skim, I can definitely taste it…” (Al Pittz, age 10)

Photo by/CC Jim Capaldi on Flickr

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