This is not a joke piece. The story below is real. — Ed.
Is the following a quote from Left Behind or blog of a reality star from the mid 2000s?
This is a message to all the people of Jerusalem. I am the reincarnation of Melchizedek. Have been a lie to your own people and used a great many masquerading as a human led humanity to the world very dark and ugly. If you really believe that then you must believe me a message to all of you. I roll the real bodies of Melchizedek.
If you guessed a blog, you win! And bonus points if you guessed it was translated from Hebrew (I had to use Google Translate) from a post by Tila Tequila. This October, the former reality star has refocused her brand online as a “Freedom Fighter” against the Illuminati, Moon People, mind controlling frequencies, and a possible upcoming apocalypse.
Lolwut? While conspiracy theorists are nothing new, the road that has led this particular personality here is as weird as the stories featured in Hollywood Babylon.
If you already know all about Tila Tequila, skip to here.
For the uninitiated, very young, or very old, Tila Tequila is a celebrity who initially rose to fame via modeling for various men’s magazines such as Maxim and Penthouse. She used Myspace to attract attention and gain her own following. This internet popularity made her celebrity a novelty in the early 2000s and soon led to small television appearances, including a job hosting FUSE network’s Pants-Off Dance-Off (full disclosure: I appeared on this show and won $500), while the primary host Jodi Sweetin was on hiatus recovering from meth addiction.
By 2006 she had become the most popular “artist” on MySpace (judging by pageviews), and landed her own dating reality series on VH1 in 2007, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, where she performed as a bisexual nympho courting both men and women for a chance to be her serious lover. While she was unable to portray a character range far outside of “robotic sex-crazed mogwai begging to be fed after midnight,” she had achieved something magical as someone who built an empire on glitter graphics and “thanks for the add” wall messages propelled to the ranks of legitimate television celebrity. In 2007, a time before the practice of plucking attention-seeking weirdos from obscurity became VH1′s modus operandi, that was enough to capture decent ratings for at least one season.
Somewhere in here, Tila Tequila had a music career, but I don’t think a single person has ever paid attention to that or even knows what her music sounds like.
Here’s where things start to get weird and #dark.
After a failed second season, A Shot at Love is cancelled and Tila fades into obscurity. But because she lives in LA, this means her personal life gets really weird. In 2009 she claims her boyfriend choked her, but the DA decides not to press charges after reviewing the reports. A couple months later, she announces an engagement to a millionaire heiress, a type 1 diabetic who is soon found dead from natural causes related to her condition, a result most likely, from a failure to take her medication. In 2011 a sex tape is released depicting Tila in a threesome, a video she claims was made for personal use and distributed without her consent.
These dark years culminate this last year in 2012. Last spring Tila is hospitalized after her roommate finds her at 1:30 AM, after what appeared to be a suicide attempt with sleeping pills. In the hospital, she is treated for a brain aneurysm, which may or may not have been the result of substance abuse. She then enters rehab where she detoxes from medication and unnamed “substances.” Upon exiting gives an exclusive to Us Weekly and spouts all sorts of post-12-step-program jargon about God and staying sober.
With new press exposure putting her back in the public eye, she relaunches her web site as a blog this last fall, misstilaomg.com, and creates her first post on October 15, a post about chemtrails, crystalline mind controlling pollutants in the air and embeds a video by a YouTube user whose profile describes a devout belief in the existence of Archons, electromagnetic mind-controlling crystalline parasites.
Her posts continue today, looking more and more like something from Robert Anton Wilson’s satirical Illuminatus! Trilogy, with claims of people that live on the moon, actual Illuminati agents seeking to silence her voice in the media, and reincarnated biblical figures, with apocalyptic overtones throughout. All she’s missing is a cracked-out analysis of the number 23 and its demonic numerological significance throughout history.
Of course this is hilarious because “wut?”. But I am not a sociopath, and the guilt does kick in, with her whole situation ranking about a 7 out of 10 for me on the you-should-feel-bad-for-laughing-at-this scale. The moon-people narrative sounds like it’s from someone abusing amphetamines to try and complete all of Final Fantasy 4 in one sitting, not to mention that it’s medically documented that aneurisms can cause brain damage. However, plenty of celebrities entangle themselves in conspiracy theories, which they use to justify their fall from the public eye (see Corey Feldman’s Truth Movement for reference).
Decide for yourself if the woman is legitimately mentally ill or a basketcase out of her own free will. Buzzfeed has Tila’s entire rant interspersed with GIFs from her career, and you can watch a video of her explaining her ideas on the origins of mankind below (if you can actually sit through the entirety, I am impressed, skip to around 2:30 to get the core of it):
If the world truly does end after 2012, I nominate Tila Tequila as the my first suspected Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Previously by Colin: Nancy Grace, queen of violent hashtags