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This is not a joke piece. The story below is real. — Ed.

Is the following a quote from Left Behind or blog of a reality star from the mid 2000s?

This is a message to all the people of Jerusalem. I am the reincarnation of Melchizedek. Have been a lie to your own people and used a great many masquerading as a human led humanity to the world very dark and ugly. If you really believe that then you must believe me a message to all of you. I roll the real bodies of Melchizedek.

If you guessed a blog, you win! And bonus points if you guessed it was translated from Hebrew (I had to use Google Translate) from a post by Tila Tequila. This October, the former reality star has refocused her brand online as a “Freedom Fighter” against the Illuminati, Moon People, mind controlling frequencies, and a possible upcoming apocalypse.

Lolwut? While conspiracy theorists are nothing new, the road that has led this particular personality here is as weird as the stories featured in Hollywood Babylon.

If you already know all about Tila Tequila, skip to here.

For the uninitiated, very young, or very old, Tila Tequila is a celebrity who initially rose to fame via modeling for various men’s magazines such as Maxim and Penthouse. She used Myspace to attract attention and gain her own following. This internet popularity made her celebrity a novelty in the early 2000s and soon led to small television appearances, including a job hosting FUSE network’s Pants-Off Dance-Off (full disclosure: I appeared on this show and won $500), while the primary host Jodi Sweetin was on hiatus recovering from meth addiction.

By 2006 she had become the most popular “artist” on MySpace (judging by pageviews), and landed her own dating reality series on VH1 in 2007, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, where she performed as a bisexual nympho courting both men and women for a chance to be her serious lover. While she was unable to portray a character range far outside of “robotic sex-crazed mogwai begging to be fed after midnight,” she had achieved something magical as someone who built an empire on glitter graphics and “thanks for the add” wall messages propelled to the ranks of legitimate television celebrity. In 2007, a time before the practice of plucking attention-seeking weirdos from obscurity became VH1′s modus operandi, that was enough to capture decent ratings for at least one season.

Somewhere in here, Tila Tequila had a music career, but I don’t think a single person has ever paid attention to that or even knows what her music sounds like.

Here’s where things start to get weird and #dark.

After a failed second season, A Shot at Love is cancelled and Tila fades into obscurity. But because she lives in LA, this means her personal life gets really weird. In 2009 she claims her boyfriend choked her, but the DA decides not to press charges after reviewing the reports. A couple months later, she announces an engagement to a millionaire heiress, a type 1 diabetic who is soon found dead from natural causes related to her condition, a result most likely, from a failure to take her medication. In 2011 a sex tape is released depicting Tila in a threesome, a video she claims was made for personal use and distributed without her consent.

These dark years culminate this last year in 2012. Last spring Tila is hospitalized after her roommate finds her at 1:30 AM, after what appeared to be a suicide attempt with sleeping pills. In the hospital, she is treated for a brain aneurysm, which may or may not have been the result of substance abuse. She then enters rehab where she detoxes from medication and unnamed “substances.” Upon exiting gives an exclusive to Us Weekly and spouts all sorts of post-12-step-program jargon about God and staying sober.

With new press exposure putting her back in the public eye, she relaunches her web site as a blog this last fall, misstilaomg.com, and creates her first post on October 15, a post about chemtrails, crystalline mind controlling pollutants in the air and embeds a video by a YouTube user whose profile describes a devout belief in the existence of Archons, electromagnetic mind-controlling crystalline parasites.

Her posts continue today, looking more and more like something from Robert Anton Wilson’s satirical Illuminatus! Trilogy, with claims of people that live on the moon, actual Illuminati agents seeking to silence her voice in the media, and reincarnated biblical figures, with apocalyptic overtones throughout. All she’s missing is a cracked-out analysis of the number 23 and its demonic numerological significance throughout history.

Of course this is hilarious because “wut?”. But I am not a sociopath, and the guilt does kick in, with her whole situation ranking about a 7 out of 10 for me on the you-should-feel-bad-for-laughing-at-this scale. The moon-people narrative sounds like it’s from someone abusing amphetamines to try and complete all of Final Fantasy 4 in one sitting, not to mention that it’s medically documented that aneurisms can cause brain damage. However, plenty of celebrities entangle themselves in conspiracy theories, which they use to justify their fall from the public eye (see Corey Feldman’s Truth Movement for reference).

Decide for yourself if the woman is legitimately mentally ill or a basketcase out of her own free will. Buzzfeed has Tila’s entire rant interspersed with GIFs from her career, and you can watch a video of her explaining her ideas on the origins of mankind below (if you can actually sit through the entirety, I am impressed, skip to around 2:30 to get the core of it):

If the world truly does end after 2012, I nominate Tila Tequila as the my first suspected Horseman of the Apocalypse.

Previously by Colin: Nancy Grace, queen of violent hashtags

  • Mari

    It’s hard to follow with all of the “Um’s” thrown in randomly. I vote for Option C) Performance Artist. Please let her new career choice be performance art, because otherwise she’s finally lost it (again).

    • http://twitter.com/sandchigger sandchigger

      I thought that too, then I realized that I don’t believe Tila Tequila is a deep enough human being to have this level of performance in her.

  • Not Surprised

    Sounds like paranoid schizophrenia.

    Probably triggered by all the chemicals she’s exposed herself to over the years.

    • The MaTrIx

      No, she’s just attention whoring as she’s always done.

  • http://www.facebook.com/doctorcath Cath Murphy

    Didn’t Tequila get into a twitter fight with Kelly Osbourne? Probably what pushed her over the edge

  • Sam Gilley

    There is no such thing as free will… your mind=blown!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Pete-E-Peterson/806899991 Pete E Peterson

    GO HOME TILA, YOU’RE DUNK!

  • Hugh

    Very similar to what my ex used to end up sounding.. and she had psychosis. She knew of it and was fine while taking meds, but after she stopped, this is roughly what she talked about and sounded like. She should get help!

  • JD511

    This bitch is retarded!

  • SMHatFools

    If you listen to her radio shows and google random sentences you’ll find the articles that she is stealing from and of course, not crediting. Here “message from God” was actually posted on someone else’s website over a year ago. I guess God doesn’t know how to properly use the internet.

    She’s a liar searching for fame while selling her body on the side. Look it up, “hunny” she even burns johns who pre-pay. Suckers.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Pablo-Schwartz/100000482256741 Pablo Schwartz

    (touring can make you crazy ..)

  • flassh81

    Fry! Look what you’ve done! She won’t shut up now!

  • Patrick Canning

    I wonder if she got the same brain injury that gorilla199 has? http://youtu.be/pU5bcBATD40

  • chipper

    It definitely is not schizophrenia, as you develope symptoms very early in
    Life, usually late teens. Her statements are more in line with someone seeking attention.

  • Jim Stryker

    My Brain cells are dying!

  • Spelt Wong

    She shows several hallmarks of schizophrenia including delusions and formal thought disorder, flight of thought, circumstantial speech, grandiosity, first rank symptoms and mild psychosis. Not to mention the prevalence of drug abuse… Bitch be crazy… But she’s hot so I guess it don’t matter. And chipper is dumb. Less than a third of people develop symptoms before 20, and little over half before 25. Might not be schizophrenia, maybe she’s a sociopath demanding attention or on drugs, I doubt she’s a good actor or shed be there already, but the only thing for sure is.. The speech has absolutely no basis in reality or logic, except maybe post hoc ergo propter hoc

    • Center of Thought

      THAT’s “hot” to you? Fuuuuuuck Lmao

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Aye-Karlsson/100001838518215 Aye Karlsson

    to paraphrase B2: Listening to her I feel my braincells die one by one.

  • mc

    Watch her eyes, she’s making things up. Looking up to the left to remember and to the right to be creative. If she truely believed all the things she was saying there would be a lot less ums and a lot more eye contact.

    • em

      my thoughts exactly. i don’t want to hate on her. it’s just that she’s making real conspiracy theorist feel embarrassed for her and her movement. i believe that we are being manipulated by subliminal messages and then some. but even skeptics know more that her on the subject and she has no focus whatsoever; which makes her look less genuine.

  • Jake

    Janis Joplin wasn’t shot

    • http://toomuchnick.com Nick

      That’s what they want you to think.

  • dafuq

    Narcissism to the extreme, she thinks shes basically like some genius who has all these amazing insights and an amazing destiny to lead the world out of darkness.

  • Pathetic

    You guys are all just spam droids getting paid to talk about her. You’re pathetic.

  • Dee

    Pychoisis. Could be any number of mental conditions. Delusions of grandeur, paranoia,racing thoughts, this woman is not well.

  • Mary

    Hollyweird is probably a treacherous place.

    Randy Quaid thought he was being followed by “Starwackers”. LaToya Jackson said Micheal was murdered by “them”. Dave Chappelle left Hollyweird because “the cost was too high”. Stephen Shellenberger said he was gangstalked and left Hollywood.

    Stars are gooned by the papparazzi. Who’s to say that some of their followers might have covert or sinister motives?

  • em

    she would seem more credible if she can speak more articulately, or even in focus. but she’s all over the place and never has direction in the topic she speaks about. how can you be a “freedom fighter” and not have a intellectual argument. I am a conspiracy theorist, i do real research, i constantly read and comprehend what sounds feasible. conspiracy theory has been around for a long time and what she is talking about is nothing new. it sounds like she’s barely learning about this information (like a high school student), and cannot even explain it properly. it’s quite irritating how un-educated she sounds. tila, you should listen to some great woman and men who are liberal political activist, some that are very young and sound so eloquent in their speeches about the same topics you are talking about. they will definitely illuminate you on the truth/topic your are starting to discover. there is an abundant amount of men and women who can school you if you go out and discover them.
    One

  • Hellre Stillhet

    Poor human, she´s very very sick and need medical attention right away. I hope someone will eventually find his way through and get her some help. It´s also a shame that she´s been ridiculoused when she´s in fact sick and there´s help she can get to get better. I truly hope she´ll make it.

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