The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.
When I heard they were making a real NHL team based on The Mighty Ducks, I got really excited. I totally thought this was going to change everything, like how Happy Gilmore changed the sport of golf — only in real life and with hockey instead. I thought the NHL would become more fun and sarcastic and like, I don’t know, demographically diverse I guess.
But the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim are just like any other boring NHL team. They don’t ever quack to get themselves pumped up, there seems to be little to no focus on the patented triple deke technique, and they have yet to ever skate in a flying V formation.
You know, I don’t ask for much — I just think that if I’m watching a hockey team called the Mighty Ducks then somebody better be using a lasso at some point.
Did you know there’s not a single figure skater on the team? I know right? That’s messed up! If I was a season ticket holder and I found that out, I’d probably scalp the rest of the tickets. They should tell people that.
And apparently the team is just a bunch of white guys. How does that work? Where’re all the tough but feminine girls? The wisecracking, knuckle-pucking black guys? The bash-brothering Asian dudes?
Oh yeah, and speaking of which, it turns out that checking is just some common thing in the NHL. I was all excited when I thought the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim had their own Bash Brothers but it turned out to just be two guys who were playing hockey the right way.
At one point in the game Ducks were losing kind of badly so I was really hoping for some sort of last minute miracle, but it’s like this team had no tricks up its sleeve. There was no fake-out jersey switcharoo, they never used fancy puck handling tricks to stun their foes and when people shot the puck at the net, there was never any danger of it shattering glass.
It’s like they just played the game the way a professional sports team is expected to, without any of the flair that would befit a team named after the greatest sports movie of all time.
And there was a severe lack of Queen music too.