Slacktory

Image CC Michael Bentley

I one day wondered why all packages of Fun Dip candy say “Lik-M-Aid” on top of it, as if it’s just one of the many Lik-M-Aid brands of products. The true story is boring and sad, so I invented a more interesting one.

1942 - Discussed formation of corporation, responsibilities of board members.

1943 - Discussed introduction of Lik-M-Aid’s initial product line, to be called “Fun Dip”.

1944 - Fun Dip has been a runaway success.

1945 - Fun Dip continues to sell well. Discussion of adding new flavors to the portfolio tabled until next meeting.

1946 - Fun Dip continues to sell well. Cherry and Orange flavors to be rolled out in Q3.

1947 - Fun Dip continues to sell well.

1948 - Fun Dip continues to sell well.

1949 - Lik-M-Aid “Core Values Pyramid” debuts. Most values centered around Fun Dip, promotion thereof.

1950 - “Keeping Fun Dip affordable, yet delicious” added to Core Values Pyramid.

1951 - Board Member McClusky retires after nine years of service, receives gold watch. Maroney approved for replacement. Fun Dip continues to sell well.

1952 - After ten years on the marketplace, Fun Dip remains Lik-M-Aid’s best selling, albeit only product. Raises for all board members approved by the board.

1953 - Board Member Maroney suggests expanding Lik-M-Aid product line. Angrily shouted down.

1954 - Board Member Maroney once again raises issue of expansion of Lik-M-Aid product line. Meeting ends early after melee ensues.

1955 - Board Member Maroney cautiously presents prototype of proposed new Lik-M-Aid product: a high-efficiency vacuum that never loses suction and sells at half the price of any competing brand. Board Member Phillips snaps it over his knee. Melee, meeting ends early.

1956 - Board Member Maroney arrives late. Claims someone poured Fun Dip into his gas tank and car burst into flames. Other board members stifle laughter.

1957 - Fun Dip continues to sell well.

Image CC Karin Dalziel

1958 - New slogan proposed: “Lik-M-Aid: The Fun Dip company”. Eight votes in favor, one (Maroney) against. In his dissenting opinion, Board Member Maroney wonders why Lik-M-Aid corporation does not just change its name to “The Fun Dip Company” or just “Fun Dip.” Melee.

1959 - Chairman of the Board Fishback steps down after seventeen years of service. Receives diamond encrusted gold watch. Nominated to replace him are Board Members Phillips (Nom. by Ferguson) and Maroney (Nom. by Maroney). Phillips wins, eight votes to one. Maroney requests recount, request denied.

1960 - Lik-M-Aid receives first international contracts. Shipments of Fun Dip to roll out to Mexico.

1961 - Fun Dip wildly popular south of the border. Several board members indicate frustration with lack of international name recognition for Lik-M-Aid. Chalked up to language barrier. Board Member Maroney protests this explanation vehemently.

1962 - “Twenty Years of Lik-M-Aid” gala planned. Gala theme/menu mainly centered around Fun Dip.

1963 - Care package sent on behalf of Lik-M-Aid board to grieving Kennedy family. Care package consists of packets of Fun Dip.

1964 - Fun Dip continues to sell well

1965 - Board Member Roberts passes away, replaced by Board Member Phillips’ son, Phillips Jr.

1966 - Board Member Maroney suggests rolling out Lik-M-Aid’s second ever product in honor of next year’s 25th anniversary. Icy silence. Board Member Maroney produces “portable audio cassette player” he claims will revolutionize consumer electronics. Remaining board members stare at it for several minutes without saying a word until he puts it away.

1967 - Fun Dip’s 25th anniversary. New “Lime” flavor introduced.

1968 - Lime Flavor second best selling flavor of Fun Dip after Cherry.

1969 - Lik-M-Aid corporation offered contract to supply astronauts with food for their moonwalk expedition. Board decides to supply them with Fun Dip.

1970 - Plans to introduce Fun Dips into Canada scrapped after Prime Minister Trudeau mistakenly refers to Chairman Phillips as “Chairman of the Board at Fun Dip” instead of “Chairman of the Board at Lik-M-Aid”.

1971 - Board approves holding strong on Canadian Embargo.

Image CC Timothy Tolle

1972 - Lik-M-Aid recognized as Corporate Citizen of the Year by Delaware for their thirty years of contribution to the powdered candy industry. Board Members all receive commemorative plaques.

1973 - Board Member Ferguson introduces Fun Dip Lik-A-Stix. Assures board that this is not a new product, simply will be included with all Fun Dips. Unanimous approval. Board Member Maroney states for the record that he assumed Fun Dips came with the stick all along.

1974 - Board Member Maroney makes heartfelt plea for Lik-M-Aid to invest in emerging “personal computer” market. Other eight board members walk out of conference room.

1975 - Board Member Maroney, recently stricken with strange and sudden paralysis in 90% of his body, attends meeting only to lift an accusing finger and point it in the general direction of Phillips Sr and Phillips Jr as their names are read during  roll call. Dies in his wheelchair immediately after. Phillips III nominated to take his place, unanimous approval.

1976 - Fun Dip continues to sell well.

1977 - Forced resignation of board members Williams, Grey, Potter, Echols and Swinton. Remaining board members Phillips Sr, Phillips Jr, Phillips III and Ferguson move to table nominations for additional board members indefinitely

1978 - Fun Dip Lime flavor introduced in Mexico.

1979 - Fun Dip Lime second best-selling flavor in Mexico.

Image CC hildgrim

1980 - Lik-M-Aid named Official Fun Dip Provider for Lake Placid Winter Olympics

1981 - Lik-M-Aid board subject of federal probe for sexist hiring practices. Appoint first female board member, Board Member Garrett.

1982 - Lik-M-Aid fortieth anniversary. Joe Piscopo performs for board. Stand-up material heavily focused on Fun Dip. Phillips Sr appears unamused.

1983 - Board Member Garrett moves that Lik-M-Aid branch out into so-called “mobile phone” industry. Calls flavored-powdered-sugar-you-eat-with-a-stick-that-you-also-eat industry “stagnant.” Voted down by board.

1984 - Fun Dip introduced into nine additional countries including the United Kingdom, France, Nigeria and Israel. Canadian embargo still stands.

1985 - Tension filled board meeting. Not one word said, only suspicious glances exchanged.

1986 - Fun Dip continues to sell well.

1987 - Board decides to take Lik-M-Aid public.

1988 - Lik-M-Aid stock plunges. Analysts across the board blame stock hit on public’s confusion over what exactly Lik-M-Aid does besides make Fun Dip.

1989 - Phillips family sells off majority of their assets to buy back Lik-M-Aid, Board Members Ferguson and Garrett buy in as co-owners, each with  ⅓ stake

1990 - Board Member Phillips Jr produces photos of Board Member Garrett appearing to enjoy a Pixy Stix. Board Member Garrett claims they are “clearly doctored.” Melee.

1991 - “Making Sure the Ice Cream Man always has plenty of Fun Dip in stock” added to Core Values Pyramid

1992 - Lik-M-Aid’s golden fiftieth anniversary. Each board member receives Wendy’s Gift Certificate, Fun Dips.

Image CC Jason Walker

1993 - Board Member Garrett moves to introduce Blue Rasperry flavor of Fun Dip. Debate ensues over whether you spell Raspberry with two Z’s or not.

1994 - Blue Razzberry Fun Dip top selling flavor in Mexico & Nigeria.

1995 - Board Member Garrett moves to introduce Fun Dips that fizz like Pop Rocks when you lick them. Board Member Phillips Jr silently walks over to her and slaps her across the face.

1996 - Lawyers seated next to each Board Member. Tensions high.

1997 - Fun Dip continues to sell well.

1998 - Board Member Ferguson announces he is resigning immediately. Tearfully leaves his stake in Lik-M-Aid to Chairman of the Board Phillips, saying he “Is like the father I never had.” Chairman Phillips appears disgusted, refuses to make eye contact.

1999 - Board Member Ferguson’s portrait removed from the Lik-M-Aid Wall of Excellence. No comment is made by remaining board members.

2000 - Chairman of the Board Phillips receives word during meeting that former Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau was pronounced dead minutes earlier. He emits a wheezy chuckle and says “I beat you, you bastard” as he draws his last breath.

2001 - Fun Dips introduced into Canada. New Chairman of the Board Phillips Jr says “We here at Lik-M-Aid believe that time heals all wounds.”

2002 - Blue Razzberry number one selling flavor in Canada.

2003 - Board Member Phillips III proposes Fun Dip Three Flavor Pack. Cautions that this is not a new Lik-M-Aid product, merely a packaging variant. Passes 2-1.

2004 - Lik-M-Aid.com domain hacked, rerouted to pornography site.

2005 - Board Member Garrett proposes new “Sour” line of Fun Dips. Voted Down. Board Member Phillips III makes identical proposal. Passes 2-1.

2006 - Domain name remains hacked. Sales of Fun Dips seems unaffected. Board Member Garrett points out that traffic to FunDip.com has always been much, much higher than traffic to Lik-M-Aid.com

2007 - Melee.

2008 - By vote of 2-1, board approves sale of Lik-M-Aid to shadowy investment group with condition that it does not introduce any new product lines for fifty years.

2009 - Investment group reveals itself to be headed by the grandson of former Board Member Maroney.

2010 - Chairman Maroney III orders portraits of Phillips Sr, Phillips Jr and Philips III removed from Lik-M-Aid Wall of Excellence.

2011 - Chairman Maroney III proposes new Super Sour Blue Razzberry line of Fun Dips to tie in with Smurfs movie. Passes unanimously.

2012 - Fun Dips continue to sell well.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mcdev Scott McDaniel

    “so-called “mobile phone” industry.”

    I see what you did there. Nice.
    :-)

  • borneo function

    I laughed while laughing.

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