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The 90s Guy is a column by a man from the 1990s.

Dude, I just got done reading the freakiest Goosebumps book and now I can’t sleep.

I don’t want to relive the experience so I’ll save you the goriest of details, but like it all started out when some kids had to like go to this new place that they were unfamiliar with. At first it all seemed okay and like there were all these new people to meet and they seemed cool.

But then — I shit you not — all sorts of fucked things started to happen.

Stuff that seemed normal ended up being not normal at all! Then a bunch of crazy unexplained things began to occur. At first the kids were like “No way dude, this is just normal stuff” but then they found out it wasn’t normal stuff. It was spooky stuff!

Dude! I just peed a little bit thinking about it!

There was like this one part where you think things are really getting way out of control and that there’s no way the kids can get out of it. Then you find out that it was all just a nightmare or a school play or something. But then some scary shit happens later and it’s like the same spooky stuff from the nightmare or school play and you’re just like “AAHH! FUCK! THAT SHIT WAS REAL ALL ALLOOONNNGGGG!!!!!”

So then I like couldn’t stop reading because the kids were like on the verge of death or being turned into a pie forever or something. But then, everything turned out okay. Like they got control of the situation or something convenient happened and it was just like over. I was finally able to breathe again.

But then they pulled out a surprise ending and it just blew my fucking mind.

Like all that stuff that the kids were going through? That was just some stuff. THERE’S DIFFERENT STUFF and it’s WAY scarier!

So now I can’t sleep because like, I thought I was in the clear. I thought those kids were gonna have a normal life from now on. I thought the evil was defeated. But now I can’t trust anything.  Sure there’s no monsters in my closet, but what if that’s because the closet is the monster?  What if I’m the monster?

Dude. I’m so freaked out right now.

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