If there’s one thing we all know about spam emails, it’s this: Spam robots want to talk about your wiener. They want to sell pills for your wiener, or they want to touch your wiener and you should really click through to their profile; they’re just so lonely and a good wiener touch is all they want.
For over a decade, spam emails have focused on sex and hookups and porn and V 1 A G R A, all in an attempt to speak to your most basic carnal desires. That’s all I thought they ever did.
At least I thought that up until yesterday, when I finally got a mature spam email.
Here’s that email:
Subject: Would you like to be friends?
Body: “I like to dance, read, communicate, go in for sport, listen to music. I would like to meet a man, who is kind and clever. Who has strong family values, who can be a reliable friend for me, and can be a good father. He must be able to sympathize and support me whatever life brings us. My photo – here:”
(And then a big, bold web address I was told to copy and paste into my browser, because it knew my spam filter would disable the hyperlink for me.)
That is the most sensitive spam email I have ever read.
It’s almost disarming to read a junk email that doesn’t say “hey baby i relly like sex please go to my profile for sex”. Why is this fake woman saying she’s looking for a man who “can be a good father”? Is this just the type of spam you get as you get older? Less “hay babby lets have a sex” and more “I want to settle down with a man who can make me laugh”?
I didn’t click through to the website it wanted me to go to, but what if that site isn’t even a porn site? What if it’s a website for adoption or something? “Hey stud, I’m looking for a loving adult to raise my kids with me.” And there’s this banner of a sexy mother wearing a cardigan and she’s winking at you, and she’s holding a baby, and maybe the baby’s winking at you too.