Slacktory

four-armed man also cocks

Who hasn’t wanted to change something about their bodies? Be taller, thinner, more flight-capable? Redditor AreYouGoingToTapThat was considering the possibilities, and posed the following question to /r/AskReddit:

What is one modification to the human body that would make us better? What do you think the human body could work better/ more efficiently with? Is it moving the placements of your intestines? Is it an extra heart? What do you think?

Things got a little weird, to say the least, with a lot of thought on how these modifications would affect fapping. Overall, though, the conversation was incredibly on-point and hilarious, and some of my favorite exchanges are featured below. If you have the time, I’d highly encourage you to check out the whole thing.

The top voted request was from dexter277, who had a simple request:

No asshole hair

What Dropbear81 wants is rather practical:

The entire female reproductive system is a piece of shit. If I could only change one part of it, I’d like to be more like a marsupial where I give birth to a peanut-sized baby who then lives in my pouch for the next few months, meaning I can check on it whenever I want and let it out to play as necessary. None of this excruciating childbirth rubbish, thanks all the same!

SubsidedSanity sees another potential upside:

That would be so badass, handbags would become obsolete also.

Emohipster sees another:

Also, weird porn.

Jqrd4n is just looking out for his boys:

Testicles on the inside please.

But he’s managed to confuse caeloequos:

So…ovaries?

I’m gonna go ahead and bet that Leo-D probably isn’t too coordinated:

A separate hole for eating and breathing. I hate choking.

Failed_novelty sees a different reason to want the same thing:

Totally. Plus, we’d have blowhole porn.

SheoldonKoopa is a Whovian after my own heart(s):

Two hearts. Now we can all regenerate!

G67ishere‘s craving is both practical and fun:

A monkey tail we could use as a third arm.

Binogre is a fan of clean sex:

Separating sexual functions from waste removal. I think a high majority of the reason people are so fucked up sexually is because you grow up using genitals for two things and two things only. Genitals wouldn’t be dirty words or topics if we didn’t do filthy deeds (urination/defecation) with them.

HarkonnenThug shows concern:

You defecate with your genitals? Might want to get that checked out…

AgewithRage wants something I think we can all get on board with:

A larger capacity to love puppies.

Tryer1234 is all about functionality:

A USB port on the back of our neck.

The-Pwnage-Man puts out a puzzling response:

Imagine how pussy it would get…

And later clarifies:

Puss-ey not pussy.

SomeRandomRedditor doesn’t want any new features for himself:

Give women an extra hole.

OP wants clarification:

Where at?

After thinking it out, SomeRandomRedditor replies:

Hm… In between the breasts.

Liar_tuck shows their prescience:

Somewhere in Japan a hentai artist has read this and is dancing in pure joy.

Blackrabite focuses on the little things:

I wouldn’t mind a sphincter on my pee-hole. Just something that relaxed open when I peed/ejaculated then clamped shut when I was done to prevent the sprinkle-shake. Bonus points if you could control the opening and closing so it looked like your junk was talking.

What IndependentVoice wants is pretty basic:

Bigger brains.

Binogre steps in with a valid point:

Or at least the capacity to upgrade, who the fuck designed our brains anyways? People gave Steve Jobs shit for popularizing disposable tech, but at least you could buy a new iPod.

Liar_tuck‘s request is one you’ve probably heard someone joke about before:

A third arm. One handed typing is really hard.

However SubsidedSanity‘s response points out how wanting that is an embodiment of forever alone-ness:

But then you’d have two awkward arms to deal with when spooning ):

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