Slacktory

Snacks

What’s the ultimate in luxury assistance these days? The starlets of Hollywood have made it clear that chauffeurs are unnecessary (just get a driver, Amanda), the Personal Umbrella Handler is passe, the Human Footstool is a human rights violation. These days, I’m the hottest thing going: I’m Wilma Arrington, Snack Sommelier.

Now, you might be munching on a bag of sour cream and onion chips and thinking to yourself, “I can do that job.” Sure, it sounds so simple, designing the perfect snack for every occasion, but I’ve dedicated my career to the subtleties of the form. Most celebrities won’t even settle down for a football game or a Real Housewives marathon without consulting me. I studied at Le Cordon Bleu Petite. I spent a decade in the Trader Joe’s test kitchen working under Joe himself — combining chocolate with pita chips, peanut butter with cinnamon cookies, pretzels with Nutella and strawberries. I’ve worked in Vegas Luxury Suites and NBA Skyboxes, creating snacksations for everyone from Matthew McConaughey to Woody Harrelson to Willie Nelson to Rush Limbaugh. Now, there is a man who loves his snacks (he favors savory!).

And now, I am recognized among the top in my field, and the opportunities have been endless: I pioneered a trail mix that featured a devastating combination of foie gras and Doritos — it won twelve Jim Mustache awards. I coordinated with the La-Z-Boy people to create a variety of ergonomically-correct chips and dip to prevent scoop strain. I’m working on a new, miniature incarnation of the Black and White cookie that some chefs think might be the actual solution to world peace. In the fall, I will be a judge on Bravo’s newest series, Top Snax but don’t worry — I’m a perfection, but I will be tough but fair. It’s Famous Amos the snacktestants will really have to look out for — that guy is a dick.

So, no, I don’t just go to the corner bodega and buy Pringles. I don’t just pour everything from the vending machine into a bowl. I don’t just crack open a beer and throw some Doritos on a table.

Although actually, sometimes I do. That shit is perfect together.

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