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Why do we still have music reviews? Just tell me if the album is good, right?

Do I like songs that “find magnificence in destruction and build an aesthetic out of decay and loss”? I don’t know! I don’t know if that’s a thing I like. If a song is “as blustery, blunt, and obvious as the emotions described therein” then that could be super fun, or it could be annoying. I have no idea until I play the song. Those quotes are from actual Pitchfork reviews, by the way.

Just gimme ten words, and a five-star scale.

Music reviews should be like:

“Is good song. Is sad. You listen song when sad. It make cries.”

“Harsh. Loud. Scary. Headbang.”

“Album no good as single. You like single? You listen this other album instead.”

“Song very happy, very jumpy. You like it for three days repeat, then you tired. Maybe it embarrass you though in sex playlist.”

I do find Pitchfork useful, though. I love everything they rate from 5.4 to 8.1, and loathe nearly everything lower or higher.

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