Slacktory

Batman and Robin

The 90s Guy is a column by a guy in the 1990s.

If you haven’t seen “Batman and Robin” yet, you should because it’s the best superhero movie ever made.

It’s got action, it’s got heart, it’s got guys frequently ice skating around — they really spared no expense to make this the most colorful, zany, trippy comic movie of all time.

First of all Gotham City has never looked better — there’s like giant behemoth statues holding up all the buildings and everything has been cast in neon-colored spotlights.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a crazy ice robot looking for diamonds to cure his sick wife. He’s just brutal in this movie. He’s all giant and imposing, but he’s also got like a likeable side. He says a lot of puns to let you know that he’s not like a totally evil guy. He’s just a blue dude trying to save his wife.

Could you cast a better Batman than George Clooney? The man is just a national treasure. When you see him flash that trademark Batman smile, you’re just like “Yeah, this dude gets it.” Who else could play this role, besides maybe Matt LeBlanc from Friends?

I think Chris O’Donnell as Robin is perfect. It’s just more realistic for Batman’s sidekick to be a full grown 35-year-old man instead of a teenager. And like, they added Batgirl to the Bat-Team, played by Alicia Silverstone — a bona fide superstar making her meteoric rise to the top of Hollywood’s A-list.

The movie also had plenty for the ladies to enjoy too. Like one of the villains was a sexually liberated Spice Girl, played by Uma Thurman, who poisons men with her kisses. Talk about “Girl Power!” Plus there are male nipples literally everywhere in this movie, so like, that’s a bonus for ladies who are into male nipples.

But now the question remains — how are they gonna top this cinematic masterpiece?

Three words: Batman in Space.

With all the crime in Gotham taken care of, Batman and his best friends go out into space on the Batrocket. They fight aliens on some like twisty, turny, Dr. Seuss-esque planet where every single building is balancing precariously on the tip of an obelisk being held by a giant statue.

And all the aliens wear clothing that shows off their three sets of male nipples.

Previously: Surf Ninjas was disappointing.

  • Meh

    Meh.

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