Remember when Glenn Beck had a TV show? He was crying all the time, and telling old people to put gold in mattresses, and just being a big ol’ right-wing goofball. Golly, I wonder what that fear monger’s been up to lately!

I mean, he’s still on the radio, right? I can only assume. Scared people LOVE the radio. And then beyond that, what could he be doing? Writing fan fiction about American presidents? Crying into flags? Participating in a lot of hot dog eating contests? Isn’t that how you’d imagine rich fat guys to spend their time? Kickin’ back with hot dogs?

Turns out, his next project is none of those things.

Glenn Beck is now selling the most American jeans that have ever existed.

Sounds crazy, right? And yet, check out this commercial:

That is the most American thing I have ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of pickup truck commercials.

Did you see that commercial, though? This guy’s building a rocket ship on a frozen lake, and the rocket ship is a metaphor for America, and that guy’s wearing a bunch of flag stuff, and he’s a metaphor for America, too. And then at the very end the guy runs away from his rocket, and that’s a metaphor for America running away from America, and now that you’re confused maybe you’ll buy some pants.

Apparently this whole thing is a passive-aggressive jab at Levi Strauss. Beck stated that Levi’s used “global revolutions and progressivism” to sell jeans, which is a sentiment few other people seem to remember or care about. So in what appears to be a very petty insult to Levi’s (the company that first patented American blue jeans in 1873), Beck’s insisting his 1791 jeans were invented before jeans were invented.

This whole thing is like naming your bike after a dinosaur that never saw a bike, and then saying that bike is the first ever bike, and that it’s dinosaur-approved. Sure it is. Nice dinosaur bike, you fucking liar.

1791′s gone so far as to say that Glenn Beck helped pick out everything about the jeans, including the rivets. Which is great, because wasn’t his TV show about how he’s a rivet expert? I’m pretty sure every show started with him emerging from inside a big kiddie pool filled with rivets, with him shouting “It’s rivet time, with me, Rivetmaster Glenn Beck!” and then he’d spit out a couple rivets that were in his mouth.

So, great. It’s reassuring that this man who is clearly a jeans material expert was so involved with the creation of these pants.

Can we go back to that rocket in the video for a second? Why is this guy building a rocket in the first place? Did he at least put a cat in there or something, or did we just watch some lone nutjob build a rocket on an ice lake just for it to take off for no goddamn reason?

And then the video ends with him fleeing from his own rocket. Where is he going? He just spent all day building this rocket that is probably just going to crash down into the ice lake and kill a bunch of fish. Is this guy taking his stuff with him or is he just running straight home through the night like some sort of be-denimed Forrest Gump? Is that sawhorse stuck on the ice lake forever or what?

But perhaps the most messed up part of Glenn Beck selling jeans is that they’re currently sold out. When you’re selling internet jeans for $130, and people can’t even try them on first, that’s no small feat. (Side note: I find it strangely funny that his “sold out” message is hosted at “”, an address that seems to have nothing to do with jeans at all. Like maybe Glenn Beck got his nephew to make the website for him.)

I guess if I’ve learned anything from all this, it’s America. A bald eagle wearing blue jeans over its little eagle legs. George Washington in a snazzy denim jacket. A running man on a rocket lake wearing red, white, and blue jeans.

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