Slacktory

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Did you know that women have joined the workplace? Many studies in recent years have confirmed this to be true. But can you even imagine your wife or mother with a budget report in one hand and that week’s laundry in the other?

Modern women in our fast paced world face a unique quandary: Can they have it all? That is, a husband, babies, plus a high-powered career involving some sort of briefcase? Is it reasonable for females—roughly 50% of American workers at the time of this writing— to participate in professional settings alongside males despite not having a penis and probably having kids? With the skeptical shrug of news magazines during slow news cycles, this article would like to cast a spotlight on these contemporary challenges.

Since the first wave of women entered the workforce during WWII, America has been struggling with these questions. A woman—carrying unchecked ambition and ovaries—could find herself in front of copiers, behind spreadsheets, quite possibly computing large sums. She may eventually learn to not be intimidated by life outside the home. But how to make time for her husband and children, the people whose very care is divinely ordained upon her fair sex?

In order to meet this challenge there has been an increase in time-saving tips from beauty blogs and the Food Network (the primary sources of information for women). These ensure women don’t look like human-shaped garbage and remind them to continue performing their familial duties with the regularity of the moon’s orbit. However, Rachel Ray and Sandra Lee’s thawed encouragement can only go so far. There are still women fiddling away in cubicles at the expense of their responsibilities to the hearth and home. How can they balance these various commitments with their utter incompetence at managing their lives?

In neighborhoods with working moms, societal disintegration is readily apparent. Children roam the streets unsupervised, surviving on expired Lunchables, drinking beer and developing early onset diabetes, while menfolk slink off to sex.com. I spoke with one family whose experience is universal in every way, and their situation was grim.

“Nowadays most households require two incomes to make ends meet,” Greg Drier told me, his blank face bravely hiding the emasculated manboy he had been reduced to by his wife’s “career.”

“All my friend’s moms work. We have a carpool schedule. Tomorrow is my mom’s turn,” – Greg’s 9-year-old son confided, his naïve faith in his mother not yet destroyed.

Greg’s wife, Sarah Drier (who I’ll call “B” to protect her identity), unfortunately declined comment as I pulled my car alongside hers one morning and gestured for her to roll down her window. B, with the hallmark confusion and haggard look of a working woman, continued on her commute.

Families languish at home while wives and mothers are busy realizing their dream of wearing pencil skirts. Women must ask themselves, on behalf of each other, is it really worth it?

As so many strive ever higher on corporate ladders it is our duty as bystanders to apprehensively clear our throats at the unlikelihood of their success. Working women cannot understand their situation without concerned commentary describing exactly what their situation is. It is important to assume that working women not yet wives and/or mothers are weighing the same potential sacrifices outlined here, after all they too have vulvas. If all women didn’t want the same things in life it would give a pass to the barren spinsters mistakenly feeling okay about themselves. The startling combination of women and the workforce is multifaceted and demands a studied response, which is why it is so important for journalists to point out the issue every few weeks with all the thick-fisted incredulity of Hitler at the 1936 Olympics.

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