Slacktory

Star Wars Jabba the Hut and Han Solo

The 90s Guy is a column by a guy from the 1990s.

So I just watched the “Special Edition” of the first Star Wars movie and I think it was really cool, but it could have used more CGI.

I mean, come on George Lucas! Don’t skimp out on the good stuff! When I saw Jabba the Hutt all slithering around instead of being an immovable fat blob, I was like THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!

But then like, the rest of the movie was just old Star Wars.

Like when you saw R2-D2, it was still just some midget crammed inside a costume and it’s like, ugh, that’s gross that you did that to someone. Can’t you CGI in a better character? One that can like fly around with rockets and shoot lasers and not be limited by the antiquated movie technology of the 1970s?

It’s like, I’m paying to see this movie AGAIN, the least you could do is change 90% of it through CGI to give me a completely new experience.

I want to see the Jawas pull back their hood to find out they’re the same race as Yoda.

I want to see the Milennium Falcon transform into the Falconzord and fire missiles from its wings at the Death Star, which is actually a giant Darth Vadar robot that shoots force lightning out of its eyes.

I want to see Boba Fett hanging around in the background of pretty much every scene.

I want Porkins to be a talking pig.

I want Chewbacca to have a sassy younger nephew named Chibby who always says funny catchphrases.

And most importantly of all — Not only do I want to see Greedo shoot first, but I want to see Han use his words to sensibly talk Greedo out of his anger and then Greedo to show up later at a crucial moment to save Han in the nick of time because he gained his respect.

Previously: Where can I get that computer from the movie “Hackers”?

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